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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my SIL?

165 replies

user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 19:11

Hello!

Just looking some points of view......

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, my husband works away from home a lot so can be away for up to a month at a time, when he's home he's home for a week or two before he has to go again, my kids go to a fab school which I love and gets a great rep! The question is aibu.....

My Sil has asked me that if she sends her kids to my kids school will I bring them and collect them two/three days a week and she will pick them up when she finishes work at 5? This means I have mine and hers to bring and look after on a regular basis. The prob is because my husband works away a lot when he's home we like to spend quality time together and reconnect as a family, if I'm child sitting I don't know how this will be possible, how do I say no without hurting feelings.

She can send her kids to the school beside her work which has breakfast and after school clubs which would mean she could do pick ups herself but doesn't want to send them there because although it's a good school it doesn't have the rep my local one has!

TIA for your advice!

OP posts:
Original poster
user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 23:58

Yes I don't want to cause a rift as its family, I was surprised when she asked me, tbh I didn't know what to say!! Got to chat to DH tonight & well he was like is 'she taking the piss?' Which just confirmed my answer! He said he would talk to her, but tbh he's very matter of a fact and straight so I think I'm better to solve it without hurting feelings/starting an argument! Confused

OP posts:
Itsaplayonwords · 01/06/2016 00:01

Good to know that OH is on the same page as you. You never know when it comes to family as he could have immediately jumped to her defence and tried to convince you she's being reasonable.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 01/06/2016 00:22

Just say no.

It's horribly unfair on your own children too, who need to be able to get home after school and unwind, not have to deal with their cousins in the house for hours before they can start to let go of the stresses of their day. It's not the same having someone else in your house. And what if they fell out, at school or at home, would they still have to have them in their space at home multiple times a week?

You don't need to give an explanation, just say no. If you give a reason that gives her an objection she can try to find a solution for, whereas if you just say no she can't force you too.

I agree with pp that after a shirt while the childminder would fall away and you'd be expected to do it everyday too.

SpaceUnicorn · 01/06/2016 00:37

Haven't RTT (so shoot me), but would she expect you to have them full time every day during school holidays as well? Confused

Bogeyface · 01/06/2016 00:37

When Penfold said he should be the one to say yes/no I think she meant he should be the one to talk to his sister and tell her what the OP has decided, not that he should be the one to make the decision. At least thats how I read it.

It certainly does sound like she is trying to avoid childcare costs and as you dont have a paid job, why cant you do it for her? It seems to confirm her view that you dont do much as a SAHM doesnt it?

SpaceUnicorn · 01/06/2016 00:40

Oh, ignore me, just saw that SIL only works term time. That'll teach me not to RTFT

Iknownuffink · 01/06/2016 00:42

No, no, no. Do not agree to this request.

Without a doubt you will be taken advantage of.
Your children will be resentful.
Your family dynamics wil be damaged.

Agree that you will consider being an emergency contact.

Do you want to have SIL's kids during inset days/ school holidays?

mimishimmi · 01/06/2016 00:45

Sounds like your DH has picked up on your sister's slights about you not working. Good on him for supporting you. It's funny but it's nearly always that sort who make those comments about having it easy, aren't u bored, gosh u must have loads of time on your hands etc who ask for regular care too. They don't respect those who do it but it's good enough when they don't want to actually pay others for it Confused They honestly think those caring for kids should be doing it for s}%ts and giggles.

Iknownuffink · 01/06/2016 00:46

Op the argument that may ensue is between brother and sister.

Butt out and let him deal with it, he knows you were being put between a rock and a hard place.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/06/2016 00:48

He said he would talk to her, but tbh he's very matter of a fact and straight so I think I'm better to solve it without hurting feelings/starting an argument!

This is a situation that needs nipping in the bud properly and that'll take straight talking, so if you're too nice for straight talking, leave it to your OH!

From your posts about your relationship with your SIL it sounds like you may be the type of person to dance around the issue which could lead to further confusion:
e.g. "I can't because the kids have afterschool stuff on tuesdays" her: okay well I'll sort something else for tuesdays and just drop them at yours on Wednesdays instead"

If you make excuses to dumb down the "no" to "avoid arguements" she might not realise it's a no and might come back with ways around your excuses IYKWIM and it'll cause bigger problems

See? It needs straight talking, it needs "we won't be providing permanant free childcare" not "we can't because _ " or "we won't be able to in this instance I'm afraid". It needs a "no". its not viable in any form. The end. Then you can get on with being friends again.

Cagliostro · 01/06/2016 00:54

hell no, don't do it

hippiedays · 01/06/2016 01:22

I wouldn't do it but......you could soften the blow and say you would do it in an emergency if the regular childminder was ill etc.

Though that would depend on what her version of emergency is I suppose. Maybe best just to say no.

flumpybear · 01/06/2016 01:54

I couldn't bear this as it affects the dynamics with your children - make excuses like extra curricular stuff and thus wouldn't be possible

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/06/2016 02:28

I'd say no too - but surely your children's school has an after school club too? could her children not go there, or is she trying to save the money and use you as free childcare?

I think I'd maybe consider a compromise and say I'd take them to school, so long as they were dropped off at my house in time every day (if she is habitually late, then no, she could fuck off and sort it out some other way) - but after school isn't an option except occasionally for play dates with their cousins.

I'd watch it too, because the minute you start to get into these regular situations, she'll expect more and more of you - "oh the CM's sick, can you do these days too?" or "Oh DC1 is feeling sick today, can you have him at home with you, I have to go to work" etc.

Family or not, you can't let people take the piss.

toastyarmadillo · 01/06/2016 04:28

Definitely say no!

Penfold007 · 01/06/2016 05:10

Thank you Bogeyface

treaclesoda · 01/06/2016 05:31

I looked after my niece, free of charge, for several years whilst I was a sahm. I'm not even sure how it happened tbh, I can't remember how we had the conversation where I agreed to it. It caused serious resentment because my family lived on one income whilst facilitating another family having two incomes and no childcare costs. But once I had slipped into doing it, it felt impossible to go back on the agreement.

In fairness, I now work and there is a reciprocal arrangement in place, so it wasn't one sided in the long term. But at the time it felt that way.

Baconyum · 01/06/2016 05:31

Glad you're gonna say no, agree let dh handle it as sounds like he's got her number but sounds like she thinks you're a soft touch.

I'm an ex childminder, even when it's a professional arrangement with pay, contracts even late penalties there's certain types of people that take the piss. In addition I've taken on kids at short notice BECAUSE these type of arrangements have fallen through.

To strengthen your resolve

1 she didn't actually ask she assumed and framed it as a question she thought you couldn't say no to 'oh but you'll take them and pick them up yes?' after all, as a sahm all you do is sit on your backside watching telly

2 she offered NOTHING in return

3 her attitude to your being a sahm (actually it sounds like you're also a part time pa to your husband)

4 it removes any possible spontaneity for your own family

5 i suspect she'd be an utter pain re

Time keeping (and yes I bet the cm would 'disappear' too)
You disciplining her kids
You feeding her kids
If her kids got hurt in any way
If her kids damaged anything
If your kids and her kids fell out
If her kids were sick (she'd expect you to have em all day)

Also she's anti mn! That alone is a good reason! Grin

Baconyum · 01/06/2016 05:34

Treaclesoda.

Yes

6 cost! Extra electric, gas, water, petrol, food

Plus if you do any treats for your kids you couldn't leave their cousins out

HoggleHoggle · 01/06/2016 06:45

I think she's massively taking the piss. BUT given that you say you genuinely like her and the cousins get on well, I would offer to do one day a week and maybe look at it as a nice time each week for the cousins to spend together, without it becoming the norm or too overwhelming? You might also find it easier to say 'no' this way, as you're offering something rather than nothing. That being said, I do think you're well within your rights to offer nothing! Good luck with sorting it.

dustarr73 · 01/06/2016 06:52

I would get your dh to tell his sister no.He knows how to handle her and if his no means no,shes more likely to listen to him.

Plus make sure your not down as the emergency number.I wouldnt put it past her.

HoldTheDoorHodor · 01/06/2016 07:41

Id say no and be honest. It's too much of a commitment to be responsible for other people's pick up and drop off over half the week. It's perfectly reasonable. I wouldn't even say anything else. That's a sufficient reason!

Lunar1 · 01/06/2016 08:05

No way, she's basing a decision about schooling on asking you to commit to free childcare for the next 7 years!

Originalfoogirl · 01/06/2016 08:27

I'm surprised people think she is in the wrong to ask. Surely it's fair enough to ask a question. She would only be unreasonable if she gets uppity if refused.

mimishimmi. Not always the case, my neighbour requested full time for two children well before the cut off date but only got part time places. Out club doesn't have big numbers and it's mainly younger children who use it, meaning there's a good chance that places for new children are limited for the new year.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 01/06/2016 08:39

I wouldn't do this.
A friend of mine has got caught out recently. Her son has a close friend in year R and she offered to take him to a once a week evening activity they liked. This escalated quickly to the other Mum assuming she'd pick them up from school and look after her son for a couple of hours beforehand. My friend found this out one day when the school phoned her to ask why she'd not picked up little X as his Mum had left instructions saying she would. Then she got a snotty call from the Mum....
This was after months of extra long play dates and visits that were mostly one sided. A month ago the Mum asked her to look after her son 3 afternoons a week. My friend then asked if anyone had a polite way of saying no....
I've also read too many threads on here about people making these informal arrangements and it all going south.
You're not a childminder. I get a little fed up of the (thankfully small) number of people who assume that a SAHP is doing nothing and would just LOVE to have other peoples children filling their house.

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