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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my SIL?

165 replies

user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 19:11

Hello!

Just looking some points of view......

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, my husband works away from home a lot so can be away for up to a month at a time, when he's home he's home for a week or two before he has to go again, my kids go to a fab school which I love and gets a great rep! The question is aibu.....

My Sil has asked me that if she sends her kids to my kids school will I bring them and collect them two/three days a week and she will pick them up when she finishes work at 5? This means I have mine and hers to bring and look after on a regular basis. The prob is because my husband works away a lot when he's home we like to spend quality time together and reconnect as a family, if I'm child sitting I don't know how this will be possible, how do I say no without hurting feelings.

She can send her kids to the school beside her work which has breakfast and after school clubs which would mean she could do pick ups herself but doesn't want to send them there because although it's a good school it doesn't have the rep my local one has!

TIA for your advice!

OP posts:
Shosha1 · 31/05/2016 19:33

What would happen in the school holidays ? Would she expect you to have them all day ?

I wouldn't.

pictish · 31/05/2016 19:35

The fallout from you saying no now is nothing compared with the fallout a year down the line.

Absolutely.

lalalalyra · 31/05/2016 19:35

Who'll pick them up the other two days if you collect them three days? How far away does she work - if she finishes at 5 and has to get to yours in rush hour traffic will it be 6/6.30pm rather than 5? How amicable would she be if you can't take them?

I used to collect my friend's child every day, by the time we got to my house she'd be just pulling in the street (she works in a special school nearby). However she knew that it was a short term thing so when one of mine had the dentist she happily arranged something else (I couldn't fit a extra child in the car) and as soon as my DS started walking home from school himself she knew that I was stopping. Now her DS still walks to my house each day, just in case his Mum gets held up (and keeps her out of school traffic), but in four years she's been late twice. I know she would never think 'oh, it's ok I can be another 5/10/20/30 minutes as he's with lala' - would your SIL be the same?

Are you on the same page discipline wise? What about school holidays? If yours are there and hers are just starting then what about when yours move onto secondary? Or if you feel yours can walk home from school themselves, but she feels hers are too young?

I'd avoid if you have any doubts at all. Too much potential for bad feeling.

eightbluebirds · 31/05/2016 19:35

So no. As pp say it will be 3 days, and after 5 until she gets them. And what about the days she needs to stay late for X/y/z or needs to pop to the doctors/chemists/shops/hairdresser etc no no no

AppleMagic · 31/05/2016 19:37

No. It's too big a favour. You could earn a lot of money if you wanted to offer after school care three days a week.

MustStopAndThinkBeforePosting · 31/05/2016 19:38

I agree with everyone else. You need the flexibility for after school activities and special times with dh when he's around. It's really not a good idea. You can of course ask around for childminders who would help out - much better for her to use a professional for this kind of service.

JemimaPuddly · 31/05/2016 19:40

She's a glass half empty person

Don't let her guilt trip you into doing this! So she moans about you being a SAHM and says you have it easy? That's very presumptuous of her. You are not responsible for her life choices or circumstances so nip that train of thought in the bud right now.

Please say no, you'd be a doormat to agree to this for all the reasons on this thread. TBH it would annoy me she had even asked because it does put you in an awkward position as you don't want to seem unhelpful or unkind. However I think the mass opinion on this thread shows you this is not a casual favour that most people would do it is a huge commitment and imposition. Huge.

"I'm so sorry but I can't commit to that kind of arrangement it would have too much of an impact on my downtime with the kids post school."

If she continues just stick to your guns. She had an alternative remember, a good school near where she lives so it's not like she's going to be screwed she's just chancing her arm.

RaspberryOverload · 31/05/2016 19:40

OP, you're a SAHM for the sake of your own kids, not to provide childcare for everyone else.

SquinkiesRule · 31/05/2016 19:40

Say No, but do not make up an excuse, if you say, it's because when Dh is here we do such and such, she'll make some plan for when Dh is there that then falls through, or if you say we're doing ballet, or scouts, she'll want her child to join too.
So just say NO and that it won't work for you, you have enough with just your own children and don't want to look after anymore.
Don't waver, big up the school next to her work and how convenient it will be.

MatildaTheCat · 31/05/2016 19:40

Regretfully no. It wouldn't work. The points about restricting your choices about after school activities and possible employment of your own are both enough on their own.

I wouldn't mention the reconnecting with dh bit.

If the school is so great and not her local one would she even get places there anyway? Or does she want to move in with you, too? Grin

DoreenLethal · 31/05/2016 19:40

We have a great relationship and feel it will affect it if I say no.

Well say yes and say goodbye to your family time then.

Or say no and put boundaries in whilst you still can.

Or say 'what a good idea, I could earn myself a pretty penny. I think I shall charge £25 per hour. Nice one SIL.'

monkeywithacowface · 31/05/2016 19:41

But if you say yes and become resentful then it will still affect your relationship.

ChicRock · 31/05/2016 19:42

Oh she already has a childminder?! Well in that case it'd be a flat out no. Cheeky cow.

JemimaPuddly · 31/05/2016 19:42

Don't say yes just to keep someone happy. As a one off for a week or something then fine but not ad infinitum.

NapQueen · 31/05/2016 19:44

If she is off in the school holidays then would she have yours one day a week every school holiday as returning the favour?

Are her kids the same age? What happens when yours have left?

If she is on that low an income that she can't afford wrap around care term time only then could she be low enough income to get assistance with the cost? Dh and I earn 34k between us, and 50%of our childcare bill is repaid to us in the form of child tax credits.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 31/05/2016 19:45

how about "it would be lovely if our kids were at the same school, that would be great. I'm afraid I can't commit to a long term childminding arrangement, because if it was tomorrow, I'ld say "yes of course", but I don't know what I might be doing a year from now. I might retrain or get a part time job, so if I said yes now I might end up letting you down if you are counting on me for the duration of their time at the school. Obviously, it goes without saying, any ad hoc minding I'ld be delighted to do, but I'ld feel awful if you planned the next few years around me staying at home when I don't know what I'll be doing a year or two down the line from now"

so. You're doing her a favour by saying no.

Original poster
user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 19:50

Thanks for advice! When she asked me i was a bit shocked tbh! But I wasn't sure if I was being unreasonable about saying no. I'm just going to have a frank convo with her about it, I know she really wants to send her kids there but I need to do what's best for us. Kids are same ages and atm get on great. Thanks for advice!

OP posts:
SandunesAndRainclouds · 31/05/2016 19:50

Tell her you've checked it out and unless you're a registered childminder you're not allowed to care for children for this amount of time on a regular basis.

This may not be true

Lilaclily · 31/05/2016 19:51

I'd tell a white lie

No, sil unfortunately I've got work set up for September and my two are going to a cm
Then when she gets them into her school nearby yiu can say it all fell through

ajandjjmum · 31/05/2016 19:51

Offer one night? It's not what she asked for, but you'd be encouraging (maybe) a good relationship between the cousins. But I would make a point of saying that you will see how it goes, and if it does impact on family time, you may have to withdraw that one night.

Good luck!

ohtheholidays · 31/05/2016 19:58

No don't do it,I've done the same in the past and my Mother did before me each time it's gone wrong and it was always because of the other parent.

You have to think OP what would you do if your DC weren't going to school because of being ill,or you were ill,or you decided to take a holiday or day off in term time or your DC were on a school trip,you'd still be responsible for picking your SILs DC up.

YouTheCat · 31/05/2016 19:59

What if, somewhere down the line, your kids want to do some after school activities? You'll end up having to drag hers there too. What if you were ill or your kids were? Would she still expect her kids to be picked up?

If there is a perfectly reasonable option for school nearer to her then she should go for that one.

JustHappy3 · 31/05/2016 20:08

She's not bu to ask - but YANBU to say no. You just tell her you'll be there for her in emergencies and one offs - but don't want to commit to a regular thing.
Surely the whole point of being a SAHM is that you give up a wage for total flexibility and to be available to your kids. It defeats the point if you are looking after someone else's kids.

BarkGruffalo · 31/05/2016 20:10

Hell no.

Massive commitment on your part and she gets free childcare?

Hell. No.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 20:11

Oh I see, she wants to use you to save money on childcare.

And what would she do if her DC were unwell? Probably expect you to have them all day if it was one of "your" three days.

So pleased you're going to say no. You are going to say no, aren't you, OP?