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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or is my SIL?

165 replies

user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 19:11

Hello!

Just looking some points of view......

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, my husband works away from home a lot so can be away for up to a month at a time, when he's home he's home for a week or two before he has to go again, my kids go to a fab school which I love and gets a great rep! The question is aibu.....

My Sil has asked me that if she sends her kids to my kids school will I bring them and collect them two/three days a week and she will pick them up when she finishes work at 5? This means I have mine and hers to bring and look after on a regular basis. The prob is because my husband works away a lot when he's home we like to spend quality time together and reconnect as a family, if I'm child sitting I don't know how this will be possible, how do I say no without hurting feelings.

She can send her kids to the school beside her work which has breakfast and after school clubs which would mean she could do pick ups herself but doesn't want to send them there because although it's a good school it doesn't have the rep my local one has!

TIA for your advice!

OP posts:

Puzzledandpissedoff · 31/05/2016 22:15

She's a lovely person but can be a bit glass half empty and would quite often make remarks about me being a SAHM having it easy etc

And that, right there, is why your decision to say no is wise; I've no doubt you work very hard for your family and I'd have thoroughly resented a remark like that, especially when she just wants to save money

I'm sure you realise the childminder would conveniently "disappear" so it would become every day ... and her job would require her to work late "but only this month" ... and she'd suddenly have something else she'd got to do in the holidays ... but that would be okay, wouldn't it, because you have it easy?

All in all your decision should avoid bad feeling rather than cause it, because you'll have sidestepped a lot of resentment in the future

sepa · 31/05/2016 22:18

Can you say ok but only as long as your OH isn't home from work (so pick them up for the month he is away and not the 2 he is back)

AppleMagic · 31/05/2016 22:20

If you said fine but I'd like you to take my kids 8-1pm every weekend day as a trade do you think she'd realise that she's taking the piss.

Itsaplayonwords · 31/05/2016 22:27

I would LOVE to see her reaction if OP said that AppleMagic

hanban89 · 31/05/2016 22:36

I know I couldn't do it.
I think the best way to word it would be that you like the flexibility you have, and not sure you can commit to it. And say that as an occasional thing would be fine if you have no plans, but not something every week.
Hope your conversation goes well.
I'm sure it will as she was maybe just chancing it anyway.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 31/05/2016 22:37

I know it won't be easy but it's not forever.

it would last YEARS
The SIL is saying "I can only send them to that school if you commit to being my free childcare for the whole duration of their time there"

How many people would accept a job if it meant commiting to YEARS of service before you could hand your notice in if something else came up?

mimishimmi · 31/05/2016 22:42

No way! She is just looking for a cheap alternative to afterschool care and knows you will feel too bad to ask her to pay. She will most likely get later and later with pickup time too - they nearly always do. It's too much of a binding commitment and means you are limited with what you can do with your kids afterschool.

rollonthesummer · 31/05/2016 22:46

She has kids plural? Two at least? That she wants to move to your kids' school?

Are they at a different school currently then and she wants to move them?

I would run a mile. What's in it for you?!

lem73 · 31/05/2016 22:47

I've offered to help friends out in this way and it does wear you down. I do know sisters and SILs who help each other with childcare but it's a reciprocal arrangement not someone trying to wangle free childcare.
I'm interested that the Op's concernis for when her dh is at home. My dh travels a lot and I find it hard doing everything alone. I would be pissed off if my sil decided to add to that to save herself money.

MrsGW · 31/05/2016 22:49

YANBU

mimishimmi · 31/05/2016 22:52

"I'm gettng the feeling that the SIL thinks the OP should be happy to do it because the OP is a SAHM on her brothers coin."

My SIL is a SAHM on my 'brother's coin' with three little ones 4 and under. I'd never assume she's available to look after mine because she's not 'working' whatever that means. She's a great mum and works very hard with the kids.

thebestfurchinchilla · 31/05/2016 22:55

She has 'asked' you so you can say no. Hard I know but far better to be upfront than do it and resent it. It will never work if you feel that way. Are you sure she's not a mums netter?

lovemyway · 31/05/2016 22:59

Try saying: I understand that you want the best school for your children but it would involve a lot of extra work and commitment from me and as you know, often I am a single handed. I really don't think that's fair on me .

lem73 · 31/05/2016 22:59

But mimi you are clearly a nice person. I think my mil thinks like that.She hates the fact dh is the breadwinner in our house. I actually overheard her telling a friend who had meetings in the city where we live to bring her kids and leave them with me. I was gobsmacked. Luckily the friend didn't take her up on it.

Originalfoogirl · 31/05/2016 23:00

She's not being unreasonable to ask, just as you wouldn't be unreasonable to say no.

She's looking for a solution for her kids not to be at school from 8 til 5.30, if I were in her shoes I'd ask too. But if the answer was no, I'd say it was fair enough and see what else was available.

Just a point though, just because there are clubs, doesn't mean there are spaces. Some parents I know, couldn't get all the space they wanted at our ASC. Could you offer to do a day or two a week as a compromise?

mimishimmi · 31/05/2016 23:09

Originalfoo: Usually they are the parents who have not bothered looking for a space until last minute because they've assumed someone will kindly do it for free for them. Then they get the rude shock of a refusal and moan about no care being available. My son is in ASC and there were loads of places available until first week of the school year (so, yes, applied during holidays), then naturally they filled up . Cue the kind of parents who were hoping another school mum would take theirs getting all frantic when that doesn't work out after a week or two of asking.

Original poster

user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 23:11

No not a mumsnetter thank goodness, doesn't like parenting websites/forums/books etc we had a convo about it a while ago!

Unfortunately couldn't do it month on month off as no rhyme or reason to his travel sometimes he's away a week back for two away a month back for a week. I do his accounts/bookkeeping/hotels/flights etc as he is self employed his irregular work pattern is main reason I'm SAHM as too difficult to arrange childcare around his erratic schedule and if I had outside home job too it would be too much doing everything for him and trying to fit in family time too we tried it for a while and it was a disaster!

OP posts:

Itsaplayonwords · 31/05/2016 23:13

If you were to agree to do it in any capacity she would end up reliant on your goodwill. Once the children have a place at the school it's not like that can be undone. It's not your issue to sort out and you don't need to justify that to her. Hopefully she'll be understanding when you speak to her.

serin · 31/05/2016 23:16

I got caught up in this sort of arrangement with a friend. Never ever again.

FetchezLaVache · 31/05/2016 23:19

So many reasons to say no! Homework, your children's activities/playdates, your time with them, the changed priorities when your DH is at home... I'd probably soften the blow by saying I'd be happy to help in an emergency, but from what you've said she couldn't put her kids in your DCs' school unless you committed to a lot more than that upfront, so it probably won't come up anyway.

TendonQueen · 31/05/2016 23:23

It doesn't make her look good that she offered nothing in return. If money would be difficult, she could have offered to at least pay back some of it in kind, by taking yours during school holidays or at weekends sometimes. Making no offer of anything in return does present it as something she feels somehow entitled to.

Given what you've said about your husband's job, I would refuse saying it's all just too volatile for you to commit to something - you might have to find a job yourself, you all might have to move overseas, gosh, anything could happen (rueful laugh) and it wouldn't be fair to get the kids into a school and then find it wouldn't be workable.

I think offering to do emergency cover is a good counter. This is invaluable if you work. I have an SAHM friend who does this for me and it has saved my bacon on a couple of occasions when I've been seriously ill/stuck in horrendous, unforeseeably bad traffic etc. But I would never ask her to do it regularly as she has given up a monthly wage for her own family's benefit - that's not for me to take advantage of.

mimishimmi · 31/05/2016 23:40

Did she offer anything in return OP? To take yours all Sauirday in return for the 9 hours (3 bsc, 6asc) or so she's asking you to do each week?

2catsnowaiting · 31/05/2016 23:41

Being available in case of emergencies/problems/occasional unusual circumstances, totally reasonable, regular commitment, totally unreasonable, even with family unless it was a reciprocal thing where she was having your kids two or three evenings and you were having hers two or three evenings. And even then you'd have to be very sure the kids would continue to get on, and that you had similar views on parenting/food/TV etc etc.

Doinmummy · 31/05/2016 23:51

Another 'don't do it' from me. I wouldn't make up any excuses/fibs as to why as she might try and find a way round them.

The potential for a family fall out over this is huge.

Original poster

user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 23:51

No nothing offered in return but in past has taken them if DH & I go out for dinner and the favour is returned I've had hers equally if she needs an hour or a night out or whatever. I'm willing to help but not really to this extent, happy to do adhoc if she's stuck but don't really want anything regular! Feel much better that I'm not being unreasonable and will talk to her when I see her at the end of week, I just felt terrible that I didn't want to do it because I know she wants her LO to go to my DCs school.

OP posts:

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