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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my SIL?

165 replies

user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 19:11

Hello!

Just looking some points of view......

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, my husband works away from home a lot so can be away for up to a month at a time, when he's home he's home for a week or two before he has to go again, my kids go to a fab school which I love and gets a great rep! The question is aibu.....

My Sil has asked me that if she sends her kids to my kids school will I bring them and collect them two/three days a week and she will pick them up when she finishes work at 5? This means I have mine and hers to bring and look after on a regular basis. The prob is because my husband works away a lot when he's home we like to spend quality time together and reconnect as a family, if I'm child sitting I don't know how this will be possible, how do I say no without hurting feelings.

She can send her kids to the school beside her work which has breakfast and after school clubs which would mean she could do pick ups herself but doesn't want to send them there because although it's a good school it doesn't have the rep my local one has!

TIA for your advice!

OP posts:
HermioneWeasley · 31/05/2016 20:47

She hasn't thought about how putting you in this difficult situation will affect your relationship.

Please say no!

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 20:49

OP, don't listen to the latecomers saying you should do it because she's desperate or the children are cousins. They won't be doing the child-minding for free, you will if you listen to them.

EweAreHere · 31/05/2016 20:53

Imagine your children wanting to have friends round after school for playdates, and their cousins are always there. Or your children wanting to go to other friends' houses for playdates after school, and the cousins not being invited, too, so you're still responsible for children (that aren't even yours!) Or the cousins wanting to go to friends' houses, and you having to sort out their invitations, too. And what happens when your children and the cousins aren't getting along? Or their mum is late? Regularly? Or you won't mind having them when they're sick, too, since you've the 'luxury' of being a SAHM for her convenience, too. (Ha!)

All unpaid, of course,

And she won't thank you.

And any problems between the children will be your fault or your children's fault. Even when it isn't.

Do not go down this road. You are not a childminder. You're not being paid. And your family has you home for your family's convenience, not to save someone else's family huge amounts of money.

Liiinooo · 31/05/2016 20:54

As others have said, tell her 'no. It's too much of a commitment long term but will be happy to help out in emergencies.'

AlwaysTimeForWine · 31/05/2016 20:54

I personally wouldn't do it. I know we all want to be able to help out family but it is a massive imposition. Essentially she wants you to provide free childcare for 6 hours a week. I would find that hell - it restricts what you and your children can do after school. What if yours are invited to a party and hers aren't? Or a play date and yet you still have to pick her kids up. I couldn't think of anything worse.

I think it would be different if it was 1 day a week for an hour. But 3 days for 2 hours. No way. She's pushing her luck by asking.

Original poster
user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 21:07

She lives close to our school so will be in catchment no problem and travels to work hence she needs morning drop off done too, she works at an adjoining school to the primary school so she would get instant allocation for her kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 21:12

I've decided to tell her no when I see her this week, it's too long term and I feel I would be digging a whole. Better to have upset now than an eruption later. I just feel bad because I know she wants to send her kids to our school but practically it'll only work for her if I do her childcare. Confused

OP posts:
leelu66 · 31/05/2016 21:13

The collective will for OP to say no is so strong you could cut it with a knife Grin

Please say no, OP, for all the reasons above.

Do come back and tell us how it goes.

Original poster
user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 21:13

Yes it is DH sis

OP posts:
Itsaplayonwords · 31/05/2016 21:13

And that's absolutely not your responsibility OP so I wouldn't feel bad. I understand why you do but I really think she shouldn't have asked you in the first place.

leelu66 · 31/05/2016 21:15

So she is asking you to do morning drop offs as well? Shock

SocksRock · 31/05/2016 21:16

I have a couple of arrangements like this - I have my friends twins after work one day a week until 4.30, and a friend has mine before school for an hour 3 mornings a week. But not after, I finish at 2pm every day (and have sacrificed career and pay options to ensure this). Money changes hands for all of this, and we are all very clear that the minute it doesn't work, it stops. What your SIL is proposing sounds way more than this, and I would definitley resent having other peoples children around 3 afternoons as week. Can you get all of the children in the car if you did need to go anywhere?

Original poster
user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 21:19

Unfortunately she asked **will I bring them and collect them two/three days a week

OP posts:
Original poster
user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 21:20

Yes with a squeeze I can fit them in - 4 kids in total

OP posts:
NoMoreGrimble · 31/05/2016 21:22

I going to be the lone voice but I would do it. It's your DH sister. I think it would damage the relationship between you. I know it won't be easy but it's not forever.

Itsaplayonwords · 31/05/2016 21:23

SocksRock yours sounds like a mutually beneficial arrangement with firm guidelines in place. It also seems like it's a reasonable amount of time without imposing on the other one. Which is in stark contrast to what the OP is being asked. I think it's much more difficult with family because there almost seems to be an implied obligation.

Original poster
user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 21:24

Will talk to her at end of week, she has ages before she needs to decide her choice so I'm sure she can get something sorted! Confused feel it would place too many strains upon my family when DH is home and than would filter down to my feeling for Sil and don't want that as I genuinely like her.

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 31/05/2016 21:25

NMG - the OP wouldn't be the one damaging the relationship, that's the SIL asking for something so 'big'. 2/3 mornings & nights a week. It might not be forever, but it could be for YEARS.

Why should the OP do it? Really, why?

I'm gettng the feeling that the SIL thinks the OP should be happy to do it because the OP is a SAHM on her brothers coin.

Hairyspiderinyourunderwear · 31/05/2016 21:28

I think you have made the right decision. If you wanted to look after extra children two to three days a week you'd do it as a job and earn money doing it.

What if your kids decide they want to do a class after school, does that mean you have to take their cousins? What if they lose their coat and you need to take a shopping trip... now you have a parade of kids going with you.

What if you want to take your kids for an ice-cream or give them an after school snack or early supper, does that mean you have to provide for your nephews/nieces.. as an occasional thing not a big deal, as a half the week thing for the school year, not insignificant.

What if your kids want someone to come play after school, how would you get them all home? Does that mean they can only ever play with someone now on Tu/Th or whatever days you don't have the cousins? What if Tu/Th is when bestest friend isn't available?

What if DH wants you all to go do something at short notice?

What if you/DNs/your kids feel cranky/under the weather/tired? You'd have to deal with them anyway.

I'm not sure how this benefits you one iota except your kids spending time with their cousins which goes both ways. It inconveniences you plenty.

3luckystars · 31/05/2016 21:34

No way, do not do it!! Say one of yours is doing an activity after school or make something up, just don't do it.

defineme · 31/05/2016 21:42

Absolutely your perogative, but I would do it and have done similar things. If she works at the school next door she would be back by 5 and it's hardly a large amount of time. However, I would want a back up of an afterschool club/alternative person such as a Grandma or something in case i had other plans. Would limit it to 2 days a week too, then the majority aren't impinged on. Could you ask for something reciprocal like babysitting so you can go to evening stuff whilst your dh is away?

Alpies · 31/05/2016 21:42

Don't do it! It will take over your life! Forget when ur husband is here. It's going to be a nightmare when he isn't here too! You have enough on ur plate especially as ur husband works away. Looking after ur own kids with all that entails and having the responsibility of other people kids (without being paid for it!) is frankly not worth the hassle! 2-3days will become 5 and for years to come. Then she'll ask that u keep the kids for the night so she can have a date night then u would have sleepovers and drop offs!

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 21:50

Could you ask for something reciprocal like babysitting so you can go to evening stuff whilst your dh is away?

No amount of babysitting could compensate for having two extra children to look after for 4-6 hours a week, 39 weeks a year Hmm

228agreenend · 31/05/2016 21:54

Morning and evening too much. Getting your own kids up, dressed, breakfast-ed is bad enough without having other kids around. I guess if she works in a school, she would be dropping them of an hour before hand (to allow journey time and getting into school early). That's a long topi me to gave them hanging around, keeping them occupied hilts you get your kids ready.

As others have said, 5pm will roll into six etc.i must admit, I do feel a bit mean by advising no, as I think family should support each other. However, she has other good options, and shouldn't guilt trip you.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 21:57

She doesn't need support, though. She wants free childcare so her DC can go to a better school.

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