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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my SIL?

165 replies

user1464715887 · 31/05/2016 19:11

Hello!

Just looking some points of view......

I'm a SAHM with 2 kids, my husband works away from home a lot so can be away for up to a month at a time, when he's home he's home for a week or two before he has to go again, my kids go to a fab school which I love and gets a great rep! The question is aibu.....

My Sil has asked me that if she sends her kids to my kids school will I bring them and collect them two/three days a week and she will pick them up when she finishes work at 5? This means I have mine and hers to bring and look after on a regular basis. The prob is because my husband works away a lot when he's home we like to spend quality time together and reconnect as a family, if I'm child sitting I don't know how this will be possible, how do I say no without hurting feelings.

She can send her kids to the school beside her work which has breakfast and after school clubs which would mean she could do pick ups herself but doesn't want to send them there because although it's a good school it doesn't have the rep my local one has!

TIA for your advice!

OP posts:
hilbertspace · 31/05/2016 20:13

Would her kids definitely get in to this school?

ImperialBlether · 31/05/2016 20:13

I think I would say that my kids want some time alone with their dad when he's home. Surely she can understand that?

beeny · 31/05/2016 20:14

Agree with everyone saying no !

whois · 31/05/2016 20:15

Say no.
Suggest a child minder!

BerylStreep · 31/05/2016 20:19

Definitely no.

I agree with everyone else, you'll end up resenting it.

I like JustHappy's suggestion of saying you are happy to do one off or emergencies but not commit to a regular arrangement.

I collected a friend's child one day a week for a term and I resented every minute. It didn't help that the child was a horror and I felt hoodwinked and manipulated into the position.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 20:21

I wouldn't even say I'd do a day as an emergency.

Anyone who has the brass neck to ask someone to give up so much time without pay would not stick to one day. Don't give her an inch, OP, family or not.

BackforGood · 31/05/2016 20:22

Will she even get a place, if it's not her local school?
I agree with everyone else - saying no now will be a lot easier than in a year or two once her dc have started attending a different scnool on the basis of this relationship.
If you need a reason, tell her you are thinking of going back to work yourself next year.

Itsaplayonwords · 31/05/2016 20:23

What's in it for you? I know that sounds mean because it would be helping her out but there are only cons to this, there is nothing at all to make this appealing. Is she was maybe asking one day a week or suggesting that you look after each other's kids for two days each a week then fair enough but that's not the case. You're a SAHM for your children, not to babysit hers. She's put you in an awkward position by asking.

AddToBasket · 31/05/2016 20:24

'I love the idea of the cousins being at school together. I'm going to have to say no to looking after them in the afternoons though. I think it would be too much when DH comes home, and I'm looking at afterschool activities for my DC anyway. Good luck with it all, though.'

Penfold007 · 31/05/2016 20:24

Is SIL DH's sister? Either way I'd ask him what he thinks but if she is his sister let him say yes or no.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 20:27

I wouldn't even give her a reason - she may try to find ways around it.

Stick with the truth - it's not convenient - and repeat as necessary.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 20:29

Is SIL DH's sister? Either way I'd ask him what he thinks but if she is his sister let him say yes or no.

WTF? You think the OP's DH should decide whether she looks after someone else's children unpaid? It won't be him doing the looking after!

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 31/05/2016 20:32

She'll work late because she knows you have her DC.
The cm will 'go' at some point, so you'll have them all week 'just until she's sorted'
And a hundred other things that will go wrong.

Your DC will have after school groups/activities/playdates to get involved with so sadly, it's not going to work out.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 31/05/2016 20:33

She can send her kids there, you're not stopping her, she'll just have to pay the childminder or change her hours or whatever.

You might feel bad saying no now, but that's not a patch on how bad you'd feel if you started doing it then told her you couldn't keep it up.

AllThePrettySeahorses · 31/05/2016 20:34

Going against the responses on here, I'd do it tbh. Your SIL and the children are family after all, she's probably desperate (not cheeky) if she's felt the need to ask you, and if her job isn't well paid then no wonder she says she can't afford a childminder.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 31/05/2016 20:36

WTAF Penfold. It's not him doing the childcare and it's not him the SIL asked.

EweAreHere · 31/05/2016 20:36

Just say no. And you can tell her that you think you would come to resent it and feel stressed out by it, and you don't want that to come between your families, so better to say no.

ToucheShay · 31/05/2016 20:37

We have a great relationship and feel it will affect it if I say no. She has already affected it by asking.

As BarkGruffalo said

Hell no.

evileyes · 31/05/2016 20:38

I wouldn't do it. It would definitely intrude too much on my life. If it was a day here and there then fair enough, but 2/3 days per week, every week? No way. Your kids will be restricted from doing activities, having other kids over etc etc because you're doing SiL a favour. YANBU.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 31/05/2016 20:39

Desperate?

She's not desperate, she can send them to the school next to her work. It's a perfectly fine school, not an awful one.

She thinks that because the OP 'has it easy' as a SAHM that she might as well take advantage of the situation.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 31/05/2016 20:41

You wrote "because my husband works away a lot when he's home we like to spend quality time together and reconnect as a family, if I'm child sitting I don't know how this will be possible."

That's very clear and eminently reasonable and completely inoffensive. So just say that to her. Easy!

FabFiveFreddie · 31/05/2016 20:41

I may be a lone voice here, but the kids are cousins. Depending on their age, it may all be ok AS LONG AS you are very firm about which days, the arrangement ends when you say it does (eg if one of yours has after school activities), you set strict boundaries about pick up time (very firmly "I want everyone out of the house by 5.15 latest as we have our routine to follow") and if she transgresses more than once you terminate it. Set this out up front and she will get the message that she may well end up having to pay for childcare. If she doesn't want to do that she will be free to make her own decision: send the kids to the other school or toe your line.

It's about being firm - I have no problem with this but I know that's not the case for everyone.

AllThePrettySeahorses · 31/05/2016 20:42

Would her children get into the school by her work? Doesn't catchment area goes by home address rather than work?

Itsaplayonwords · 31/05/2016 20:44

She does have an alternative arrangement though - the other school - it's just not her preferred option. You shouldn't have to go against your preferred option to satisfy hers.

MrsTerryPratchett · 31/05/2016 20:44

Is SIL DH's sister? Either way I'd ask him what he thinks but if she is his sister let him say yes or no. I am not an appliance that my DH chooses to use or not use.