AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

[Chele72]

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

Hang on so he claims he had two ons with the same woman who just happened to get pregnant both times? She's his regular fwb at the very least I bet. Have you met her op? Do you know her at all?

My estranged father died 2 years ago (unbeknown to me ). After his funeral I had various people contact me to tell me they didn't even know he had children.

It's beyond me how these people are able to compartmentalise their feelings and keep something so fundamental a secret. I don't know if your DH has any sort of relationship with his DCs so may be different circumstances to mine, but not telling you about them is unforgivable in my opinion.

He sounds awful, this wasn't a one night stand situation. He got this woman pregnant then went back for more and got her pregnant AGAIN. Not bad enough he abandons his biological children and then lies about them to the woman he was with for 4 years!

I wouldn't be surprised if there were other secrets lurking. This man sounds deranged

Can you. Not get the marriage annulled this is clearly fraud

My dad do this to him wife neglected to tell her he has 12 children they stayed together but there marriage is toxic they row all the time and sleep in separate bedrooms she had four children with my dad before she found out it was also news to me I had all these siblings we no longer talk

They don't tell anyone because they know there fuckwits for not supporting the kids

Quite Cats

Spineless sorry excuses for men who don't know or care about the damage they cause

The CSA seem to be writing to everyone they've ever had dealings with, however small, before they cease to exist. DP got a letter from them, and he's paid directly to his ex wife for over ten years. I raised an eyebrow as it was written in a way that made it out worse than it was. DP definitely only has one child that I know very well though!

OP, if he'd told you he had two children he never saw but paid for from the beginning, that's one thing. But to not tell you at all, and specifically lie when you asked if he had children, is deceitful and definitely grounds for unreasonable behaviour.

It must of been awful to find out, I can't imagine how I'd feel if my DH had kept something from me for so long. I'm not sure any marriage could be ok after that tbh.

However I do genuinely believe that some men aren't ever ready to be fathers. If he never wanted children and then he finds himself a dad I can understand why he says he doesn't feel anything. It was a baby he didn't want, people post on here all the time about wanting babies when there dp doesn't and people always say you can't force somebody to be a Dad and they are right.
Yes the fact he got the same woman pregnant on 2 one night things is a bit far fetched but not impossible. Although I don't understand why him and the woman when they had sex the second time didn't make sure there was contraception as she already had 1 child by him that he didn't want.

I hope you get some advice from a solictor OP and that you'll be ok

What did he trip and land in her vagina TWICE?

like others have said we dont know the other side of the story the lie is bigger to op because why he doent want to be a father is not her concern

i assume youre done having children yourself

not being a father is more common than people think how can u force someone to have feelings i dont know

but once again the fact he lied when asked is the main concern

I am going to go out on a limb here. You said he had two one night stands which resulted in conception- he should have used a condom. But it is very common for women to used one night stands as sperm donors. and best was for the children she wants to have the same father than do it again and hope for the best. It is possible that the mother of the children did this for herself and he has to pay for it. He's should have worn a condom yes. he could have, People are always devious to get their own way.

Don't slate the bloke if this is the case. OP find this out and talk. if this is the case don't throw away for years. Just because a woman wants a strangers children doesn't mean the man wants them or should have to have a relationship with them. AT least he pay toward them.

Just saying, Things are not always clear cut.

YANBU.

Whatever is going on with this guy, the OP has made it perfectly clear that what he has done goes against her principles. Is she supposed to stay with someone she can't respect, and who did something she fundamentally disapproves of?

I imagine they've spoken about it over the three months and if he was the poor innocent victim of some evil sperm-stealing woman, or he has the 'incapable of loving children' gene some of you think is a thing, he had every chance to tell her that. This sounds - however much some of you are dancing around trying to make it more nuanced - like a typical deadbeat. (And no, paying for his children doesn't earn him a medal, it's the absolute bare minimum of what he's supposed to do.)

Salene, your views are almost as offensive as your grammar.

YOU'RE

THEIR

Yep, even if he was the poor innocent victim of some evil sperm-stealing woman as a couple of posters have decided is the case (based on errmm no evidence), isn't the mother of these children still a much better person than he is?

What with raising her own children and all?

Salene you are talking bollocks IMO. It makes zero difference whether his children now have a lovely step dad or not. Either his children know that they have a birth father somewhere who wanted fuck all to do with them or they have been lied to themselves and think someone else is their dad. In the first circumstance they have to deal with one of the most fundamental and distressing rejections it is possible to have in life, that of a parent, and in the second they will almost certainly either 'feel' that something is not quite right and find out later in life by accident (health issues which show up discrepancies in blood type, inherited conditions etc), and have to deal with a double shock.

It just IS shitty behaviour on his part and he needs to man up and deal with the situation properly.

like someone said how do u now he wasnt tricked into it

why is it ok for the woman to do this-why does a man have to have a realtionship with children he didnt consent to

he said he tried and he couldnt bond

im not saying what hes done to the op is wrong but we dont know the other side of the story

so nancy why would that be his fault if theyre lied to about their father?

Empresso get a life please

There is no place for spelling police on forums, you just look a twat.

Actually my 24 year old nephew was father by a 19 year old lad to my sister who was 20 at the time, he didn't want to be a father she wanted to keep baby. They agreed h would take zero part in his life including not paying for him

She brought him as a single mum he was told the truth when he was 16 and asked did he have any interest in finding out about his dad

His answer was nope , even now at 24 when I spoke to him about it not long ago as his father is on Facebook he said he not remotely bothered and neve has been about the issue

His dad wasn't interested in him and he has no interest in finding out about him

My sister is married to another man and he has filled the boots of dad

My best friend also has been brought up by another man since 18 months old she is now 36 again she was told the truth when around 16 years old and didn't really care, she had a dad and was happy with that

So who says all kids feel rejected blah blah blah because that's simply not the case. I have two people close to me who do not remotely feel rejected and in fact it's no issue for them.

So the assumptions made here simply aren't true

Also Everyone is entitled to their own views, and I'm sorry but I don't agree and if it was my husband I wouldn't automatically be going to divorce courts. I would spend time trying to work through it and try and see if I could get the truth, speak to the mother before I made my mind up.

But each to their own

One common theme I notice about MN is that a lot of people are quick to always say get divorced, leave him etc....

No wonder divorce rates are on the increase

Salene - if a man doesn't want a baby he needs to not have sex or use a condom or have a vasectomy. It's not hard. Some men are too stupid though and some think the snip will affect their manliness.

Oh come on really..?? How do you know he didn't use a bloody condom and the same thing broke , how do you know she didn't tell him she was on the pill and they had been regular FWB so he trusted her.

I can't understand why people are so quick to jump to conclusions when you have no idea of the full story, my point is that these two adults came to what appears to be a mutal agreement on what would happen with these children. If both parties are happy with the outcome who are we to critise and condem this man. Just because it's not something you would agree too don't make it wrong

MN is not responsible for the increase in divorce rates.

And while you may know young people who don't want to find parents, there are many who do.

I would not stay with someone who lied about an issue as big as children. You'd have no idea what else they'd have lied about. I would not want to be constantly worrying if I was being told the truth. This may sound harsh to you, but I've reached the stage of refusing to compromise my own values, or to minimise/excuse a bloke's behaviour in the way that society like's women to do.

Salene, you'd carry on a relationship with someone who had fathered two children, abandoned them and then lied to his wife for 4 years about it?

If so, you have really low standards. The 'any man is better than no man' sort of low standards.

Apologies for the misplaced apostrophe.

For me, it's not the fact that he has children, even if there's no contact, but the lying, including by omission.