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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU that I can't forgive my husband for not telling me he has two kids?!

337 replies

Chele72 · 31/05/2016 17:53

Ok so I got married on 01.08.15. Beautiful wedding day. We had been together for 4 years so I thought I knew him inside and out!
How wrong was I!
6 months into the marriage, I found a letter from the CSA addressed to him with the names and date of births of his 12 year old son and 10 year old daughter that he had kept a secret from me!
His whole family know but none of them including my husband have any contact with them, he just pays the mother £500 directly from his wages every month!
I found this out at the end of February and still can't talk to him!
I've told him I hate him and his family for not telling me!
I asked him whEn we first met if he had kids as I have a 20 year old son, 25 year old daughter and a 1 year old granddaughter so more children would not have been a problem as I am stepmum to 3 children from my children's father!
The fact that he lied and that he has nothing to do with them and doesn't ever want contact has really annoyed me and he is not the same pErson I fell in love with!
I really hate him now and am on the verge of a divorce! I have to wait until we have been married for a year first though!

OP posts:
Baconyum · 01/06/2016 04:30

Just to get out out the way - "men think differently' bullshit! Men think and feel the same as women just SOME men are arses (just as some women are).

Op I'm sorry you're going through this you absolutely are not being unreasonable.

1 are you certain he wasn't married to her? Because if so your marriage may not be legal anyway. The chances in 2 ons resulting in pregnancy both times is lottery chances.

2 definitely get legal advice so he doesn't get any of the house etc. a quick google suggests insufficient ability to consent is grounds for annulment I'm thinking it could possibly be argued his lying to you about something that would have meant you wouldn't have married him might be covered there.

3 he seems to have a lax attitude to safe sex, you may need to consider getting screened

4 the Csa thing - I wonder if he stopped paying because he got married and didn't want op finding out?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 01/06/2016 05:01

YANBU. That is just too massive a secret to be kept hidden, regardless of his feelings about the children.

Different if he hadn't known about either of them, but he did. And he chose not to tell you. Also appalling that none of his family want anything to do with them either, never mind him - cold lot!

And yes, I'd be divorcing him too - if he's lied about that, he could lie about anything! And yes, not mentioning it IS lying, but he did directly lie anyway, didn't he, because you asked him if he had children.

He's not the man you thought he was when you married him - you thought you were marrying a decent honest bloke, now you find out he's actually a lying scumbag who doesn't have any feelings for his children, although at least he does pay towards their upkeep, which is something I suppose

Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 06:03

Thank you everyone. I know what I should do x

OP posts:
Phalenopsisgirl · 01/06/2016 06:22

You haven't just married my son's father have you?

H0LDTHED00R · 01/06/2016 06:45

YANBU because he deceived you. It seems obvious that he knew you wouldn't accept the truth about him and his absenteeism so he lied about it like a little weasel.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/06/2016 06:57

Posters saying he was very unlucky, or implying not possible, to get her pregnant after one shag are being very naive at best or very thick at worse. It's a proven fact it only takes one shag, plus quite often a woman is more likely to get pregnant by a new one night stand than a regular partner if it hasn't happened immediately.

Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 06:58

Little weasel? Hahah that's tame!Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 07:09

Im the unlucky one here because I married a liar and a deadbeat dad!
Makes me sick!
I just hope those two children have a nice life and never bother trying to find him!
He should be a lonely old man!

OP posts:
Baconyum · 01/06/2016 07:13

Goingtobeawesome

Pretty unlikely for it to happen twice - 2 drunken ons with the SAME virtual stranger and both times she got pregnant. ??

sashh · 01/06/2016 07:14

Could you go for an annulment?

Might be worth seeing a solicitor, I'd have thought this would be covered by consent, you would not have consented to the marriage had you known.

Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 07:37

I'm contacting solicitors today. I can't carry on like this. It's been 3 months now and there's been no progress. This is something I just can't get past!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 07:48

I can't go for an annulment. Just been on the gov website.
This is so hard because it just doesn't seem real!

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 01/06/2016 07:55

I disagree Baconyum but it's irrelevant. Everyone has different opinions.

user1464519881 · 01/06/2016 08:02

It sounds like he would leave if you asked him to so that's good and unlikely after such a small marriage he could claim your house. Make sure he doesn't register at the Land Registry a spouse's right to live in the matrimonial home - plenty of spouses do that when the house is not in their name. Also it is essential you dobn't get decree absolute (once the year is up) unless you have a court sealed consent order on the finances otherwise in 10 years time he might come back and try to take half your assets including any private or work pension you have.

BrianCoxReborn · 01/06/2016 08:08

This seems so familiar to me.

DD is 12. Her "dad" and I split when I refused to be bullied into having an abortion.

I claimed no maintenance and had no contact with him for a long time. I wanted nothing from him.

Then I fell on hard times and DD was suffering, financially. So time for "dad" to step up. Claimed through CMS and he was made to pay £340 pm (although he only actually pays £300, I've no idea why and cant be arsed communicating with him to find out why)

What really fucks me off, on behalf of DD who is desperate to know him, is that on his FB (our line of communication is via FB messenger) he has his wife and....teen daughter. She can't be older than 14.

What's worse.....I think he's taken her on as his own, I don't believe she is his blood relative. DD is going to be crushed when she finds out (which she will because she tells me she will meet him one day! :( )

BrianCoxReborn · 01/06/2016 08:10

Sorry, my reason for posting is that my ex makes the monthly payments in person, there's no Direct Debit or SO.

Leading me to believe that his poor wife (who he married after we split) has no idea about DD. His parents know, so they also be complicit in his lies.

Goingtobeawesome · 01/06/2016 08:18

BCR - maybe he leaves off the £40 as a way of trying to assert his manly control Hmm.

Salene · 01/06/2016 08:41

So those beating him up about no contact because he didn't want to be a father

Why is it acceptable a woman can have a abortion because she don't want to be a mother and there is nothing the father can do and people would say it's her choice but a man can't walk away

At least this man pays for these kids, and didn't just leave her high and dry

OP for all you know the mother might be perfectly happy with the arrangement and infact encouraged it

Your just deciding on what's right or wrong based on your feelings towards children

I think you are wrong to pass Judgement on what appears to be a mutal agreement between two adults on there children

I agree he was wrong to hide it from you but going by your reaction I can see why he did

He clearly knew you would go mental about it even though it was his choice and the mothers choice

But hey if you want to throw your marriage away that's up to you without even trying to work through the issues.

Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 09:31

SALENE: Im not throwing my marriage away, he has!
I have tried talking to him but he just keeps quiet.
I believe in sticking by your children no matter what!
I can understand ONE mistake but TWO with the same woman...Come on, How can you stick up for my husband here???
I asked him 4-5 times in 5 years if he had children because I had a dream that he did. Each time he lied and said no!
Then one week before our marriage I said if you have any secrets to please tell me now so we don't go into this with anything lurking behind closed doors that could affect our relationship. He said no secrets! So who is in the wrong here? Wouldn't anyone go mental that their husband had lied for so many years?!
I have been in touch with Relate and Citizens advice so please do not tell me that I am throwing my marriage away without even trying to work through the issues because I am doing everything I can!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chele72 · 01/06/2016 09:32

And I have not thrown him out or anything yet since finding this out 3 months ago!

OP posts:
tiggytape · 01/06/2016 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 01/06/2016 09:51

There will always be people on here who are willing to excuse men's shitty behaviour, and even rewrite the OP's posts to suit their arguments.

Salene · 01/06/2016 09:53

The children might have no idea I have a couple of friends who fathers for what ever reason have had no contact and they are with new partners from children being babies. And kids do not know these men are not there biological fathers

DNA means nothing, being a dad is more than sperm. All these children have proper fathers the men who put them to bed every night are there fathers

Do you know OP if your husband is on these kids birth certificates..??

user1464519881 · 01/06/2016 09:55

I don't date men who abandon their chidlren (if the wife refuses contact of course that's a different matter). I remember one man on a date showing off about how he hid money from his ex wife - why some of these men think that means I'd want them is beyond me. Also why do women date men who don't see their children? My children's father just about doesn't see (and doesn't pay ) for his five although sometimes sees (and I mean no more than 2 hours and I'd have been happy with 50% of the time as I work full time!) his youngest every few months. Why do women accept men like that? I would much rather have a boyfriend who couldn't see me quite often because he was seeing his children.

I don't agree with the abortion analogy either mentiioned above as in this case he had two children with the woman, not just one one night stand accident (like Boris Becker - 8 minutes of sex in a broom cupboard at Nobu restaurant being the extent of the relationship which resulted in a lovely daughter - whome he does pay for and does see by the way)

Salene · 01/06/2016 09:56

I'm not trying to excuse him but I think without getting the mothers side of the story your all jumping to conclusions

If the mother was perfectly happy with this agreement who are you to judge

As long as these children are well looked after and loved then what does it matter. They may well have a "father" in there life and don't need two..!

As I said DNA means nothing , a real father is the man who is there for them every night

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