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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD aged 4 sharing parents' bedroom

335 replies

MarchelineWhatNot · 31/05/2016 15:53

We live in a tiny 2 up 2 down house which we rent from a private landlord. Our son has his own room and myself, DH & DD share the other bedroom. DD is always asking for her own room and I feel really sorry for her as I know she would keep it really nice and tidy.

Unfortunately, we cannot afford to move. We are stretched to the limit financially and I already commute 90 mins both ways (3 hours per day) for work so moving further out of the city is just not an option. We have pets as well so can't move into a flat.

So we're stuck. But I feel really sad for DD. Is it so bad for her to share our room? Is anybody else in this situation and if so, how do you handle it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
LunaLoveg00d · 31/05/2016 16:49

Animals are not disposable.

But I do firmly believe that the wellbeing of any child comes way, way above the wellbeing of an animal. The OP is overcrowded, wants a different place to rent and the fact she has pets is greatly limiting the number of properties she could consider. Rehoming the pets may have a negative impact on their wellbeing, but this is massively outweighed by the positive impact on the kids of getting a bigger house and potentially their own rooms.

KingJoffreyLikesJaffaCakes · 31/05/2016 16:50

What's your loft like?

Any chance of the 11 year old sleeping up there?

Thick rugs and wall hangings. Extension cables for lights, etc.

It would be quite doable in our loft but don't know about other peoples.

Itsaplayonwords · 31/05/2016 16:50

the 'bigger' bedroom is only 8' x 12'

Okay, so if you went with the suggestion of the double bed in the middle of the room you would then have 8' x 4.5' floor space per child (single bunk beds are 3' wide) which would still allow space for wardrobes/chest of drawers plus you'd have a 2' walk way at the end of the bed to access both sides of the room.

WinniePooh101 · 31/05/2016 16:50

OP - I haven't got any practical advice but just wanted to say I TOTALLY get your predicament!

DP and I live in Surrey and both work in London, 90 mins commute each way for both of us so also 3 hours a day. We have a 13 month old and I'm 5 month pregnant and we live in a one bed flat! Second baby was a surprise (I won't go into detail but a real surprise!) 13 month old sleeps in our bedroom but we have no idea what we will do when new baby arrives in 4 months. We can't afford to give up our London jobs, drop in salaries would be huge, we can't afford to move closer to work the rent is ridiculous and we also can't afford to move to a bigger home where we live.

So just wanted to say you have my understanding.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 31/05/2016 16:50

One of the upsides of privately renting is that you can move elsewhere and as the current situation is not sustainable you need to plan towards doing so.
Are there any three bed properties / properties with more flexible living space in the same area?
Do these properties create hard choices ? eg: no outside access to pets
Are either of you actively looking for work outside of the London area?

I assume that you dowork in London - I know a handful of families with no ties to the North of England who rent, who have up sticks and moved to Liverpool/Leeds/Manchester/Birmingham in the past year simply because of housing costs.

londonist.com/2016/02/high-wages-but-high-rent-is-london-worth-the-trade-off?utm_content=bufferb1d66&utm_medium=social&utm_source=facebook.com&utm_campaign=buffer

This is interesting reading.

ChicRock · 31/05/2016 16:50

I love it how on MN people think everyone had bedrooms big enough to turn into two with a wall divider!

Well the OP seems to be deliberately avoiding clarifying this, but as plenty of posters have pointed out, her room currently houses her, her DH and their DD so must have a double bed plus a single/toddler bed - plenty big enough to turn into 2 spaces for the kids.

MrsKoala · 31/05/2016 16:51

We cosleep with our almost 4 year old and almost 2 year old. They have never had a bedroom of their own. So in that sense, no i don't think there anything wrong with it. But if she is asking for space of her own (something my 2 do not) then i agree it isn't ideal (there is a poster on here who has a 1 bed London flat and her 2 kids all sleep in the same bedroom too - they have single beds against the wall and are about 5 and 6 - so others manage it happily too). It has no effect on our love life by the way - to the pp who said it would.

Others have suggested a sofa bed downstairs and i haven't seen you respond to why you can't do that (apols if you have). Is that an option?

My friend had 6 kids in a 2 bed flat and she and her dh (and whatever current baby in a fold up cot) slept on a sofabed for about 8 years till they got a 4 bed house.

diddl · 31/05/2016 16:51

"but this is massively outweighed by the positive impact on the kids of getting a bigger house and potentially their own rooms."

Are the pets costing the equivalent of an extra bedroom, then?

MrsKoala · 31/05/2016 16:52

Chicrock - not necessarily, 4yo could sleep in the bed with the op (like my 4yo does).

diddl · 31/05/2016 16:52

" the 'bigger' bedroom is only 8' x 12'."

Posted by Op at 16.42.43

elastamum · 31/05/2016 16:52

Sorry OP that you seem to be getting a hard time here.

If your daughter is 4 and son 11 that is a 7 year age gap - By the time she is 11 he will be 18, so quite possibly off to university. And depending on what the pets are they sadly wont last forever. So you do have plenty of time to solve the problem.

Its not the end of the world - I shared with 2 brothers older and younger until I was about 8 and I cant remember ever thinking it was an issue - but loads of kids shared with siblings back then.

I would write down and explore with your DH all the options for giving everyone better space and see where it gets you. And please don't get rid of the much loved pets - that really will upset your family Smile

MrsKoala · 31/05/2016 16:53

Fucking hell, how much is dog food then these days!?

Equimum · 31/05/2016 16:53

Erm, the difference between rents on two and three bed houses, in the SE at least, is typically much greater than the cost of keeping a few pets (even selling out horse, who was on livery, didn't give us a big enough increase in money each month to pay the difference).

Yes, OP, you perhaps need to think about longer term options, such as the cost of renting houses a similar distance away from work in different directions. You could also think about where similar jobs might be available. Shorter term, though, if your rooms are tiny, I'd be thinking about getting a sofa bed in the next couple of years.

LunaLoveg00d · 31/05/2016 16:53

Are the pets costing the equivalent of an extra bedroom, then

No, read the thread. The OP has a very limited pool of potential alternative accommodation because very few landlords will take pets. No pets, more homes/flats to choose from, either a larger two bed with a bigger room to be split in two, or potentially a three bed.

It's not rocket science.

mummymeister · 31/05/2016 16:53

It isn't the cost of the pets its the limiting factor on finding landlords that will take them.

ChicRock · 31/05/2016 16:54

not necessarily, 4yo could sleep in the bed with the op (like my 4yo does)

Yeah but like I said, the OP seems to be dodging the question.

jamenhej · 31/05/2016 16:54

I am sorry you are getting a really hard time here OP. IKEA do some really good sofa beds which have storage underneath - could that be a solution for you and your DH, sleeping in the lounge, whilst continuing to have clothes etc in one of the upstairs rooms? At least when your kids are a bit older anyway....

MerryMarigold · 31/05/2016 16:55

I'd move somewhere else. Like Norwich.

diddl · 31/05/2016 16:57

I have read the thread!

If Op cannot move due to work, presumably she also cannot afford a three bed place where she is is what I was thinking.

So being limited by landlords not taking pets isn't an issue in that respect iyswim.

LunaLoveg00d · 31/05/2016 16:57

I'd move somewhere else. Like Norwich

Good God, there's no need to do anything that drastic!

shutupandshop · 31/05/2016 16:58

Oh yeah just ditch the pets Hmm

SolomanDaisy · 31/05/2016 16:59

Usually a two bedroom house is more expensive than a three bedroom flat. What is the price difference where you are? Have you looked at relocating to a cheaper area of the country? You say you can't get a different or additional job, could your DH? Are you both at least applying?

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 31/05/2016 17:00

If there's room for 3 of you in the master, then why can't the master (even if small) be partitioned somehow to make a space for the two children?

High sleepers can be bed and wardrobe and desk all in one

or a pull down or sofa bed in the lounge for you and DH with the toss up that the kids have to allow you to store your clothes in a wardrobe in their rooms

AvaLeStrange · 31/05/2016 17:00

Honestly at this point I don't think it's a massive worry.

Yes, your DD would like her own room, and that would be lovely, but at 4yo the sky isn't going to fall in if she shares with you.

My DD would like a puppy and a Mac book Pro - she's going to have one helluva wait!

Having said that I do think you need to consider the future as this set up won't work for ever.

I appreciate it took a long time for you to get your current job, but if you start looking for something closer/better paid now there's plenty of time and no need to rush into anything (assuming there is potential to work neater home, just that jobs are few and far between).

As a PP said, perhaps worth looking into possibility of loft conversion and seeing if you can come to some kind of arrangement with your landlord.

If you're not on the council list, get on it. You may have a long wait, but again, at the moment it's not a huge issue - if you wait 3 years or so to sign up it'll be more of a problem.

In the meantime, just try and carve out even a tiny bit of space for your DD.

Floggingmolly · 31/05/2016 17:00

...he will be 18, so quite possibly off to university.

I'll never understand the mindset of people who have more children than they can accommodate, on the understanding that the older one's will eventually leave home and then the one's left behind will fit.
Or indeed, one's who'll happily squeeze into a rabbit hutch themselves so they can hang onto the pets that don't fit either.