DD aged 4 sharing parents' bedroom

[MarchelineWhatNot]

We live in a tiny 2 up 2 down house which we rent from a private landlord. Our son has his own room and myself, DH & DD share the other bedroom. DD is always asking for her own room and I feel really sorry for her as I know she would keep it really nice and tidy.

Unfortunately, we cannot afford to move. We are stretched to the limit financially and I already commute 90 mins both ways (3 hours per day) for work so moving further out of the city is just not an option. We have pets as well so can't move into a flat.

So we're stuck. But I feel really sad for DD. Is it so bad for her to share our room? Is anybody else in this situation and if so, how do you handle it?

Thanks.

True, the actual layout will make a difference... Still op, seems strangely reluctant to comment on any suggestions so we'll probably never know.

A bit outing, but for some years my cousin's girl (13 til 17) and boy (6 til 10) shared a room. Bunk beds. It was fine. She has ASD and is quite young for her age so that possibly helped at times. But mostly, they both accepted it because that was the best option.
Don't rule out the kids sharing.

Is this just a rant rather than actually wanting helpful suggestions? Fair enough if suppose that's the case I suppose - but what are you hoping to actually get out of the thread OP?

Sorry for horrible typos there

Didn't the OP say she had an open plan kitchen/living room making the sofa bed option impractical?

OP, as others have said get on the council waiting lists (you'll probably have a long, longwait but it doesn't hurt to be on the list) I would also definitely look at what housing associations might be able to offer - some operate their own waiting lists or offer properties directly with no lists at all - either way they are likely to be more accessible than council lists.

I think you have got 1-2 years in which either the kids sharing or you sharing with your DD is viable, and I think you sharing with DD is probably the least-worst option for now.

I think it was a rant.

The OP hasn't come back and some people have been incredibly helpful with suggestions about how to maximise the space and / or improve the situation long-term.

Looks like they have wasted their time.

Op where do you work and what is your budget? I bet mumsnet can find you a cheaper rental within 90 commute!

yep, I came to that conclusion too. just wanted to rant but not actually do. wait a couple of years and Op will be back with a similar post. if you don't make changes then nothing changes.

I think you have to move. Rehouse the pets first. Then find somewhere more suitable. There will be something.

How can you live with pets in such a small space? It must be awful.

Thanks for all the posts, I was a bit upset to be honest by some of them. Just to clear up a few things...

• The reason I mention the pets is that we need some outside space.
• Getting council accommodation is next to impossible as most of it was sold off in the 80s and now in the ownership of greedy buy-to-let landlords.
• We don't have a loft.
• DH is a blue collar worker, I work in an office.

I am looking at our expenses to see if we can cut back anywhere. Our Lease is up for renewal in a few months and I would like to move to a 3 bedroom place at that point. However, we would be looking at a 50% increase in rent. Is it worth it to give DD her own room, do you think?

... and just to add...

• DH and I would love to have our own room. We haven't been intimate in over a year. We never get any time alone.

I haven't read the full thread, just your comments OP. It's a difficult situation you are in and I sympathise with you.

I just wanted to say that sleeping in the same bedroom as your parents in commonplace in Asia. There are (A very low guess) hundreds of millions of children sharing a shared room with their parents.

It's not unusual at all globally so please don't feel bad. Your child is clothed, fed with a secure roof over her head and a lovely mammy who wants the best for her. She is a lucky girl!

Thanks mmgirish, I appreciate that.

I don't think it's worth stretching your budget so much that you risk losing your home if one of you loses their job. The extra stress could be unbearable and damage your relationship. I really do think that for the moment you would be better to renew your lease and try and see a way of making the higher rent more affordable. She is only little still and realistically although not ideal this situation could be workable with a bit of change. I really do think you should consider some of the options mentioned - I know this is not what you want to hear. However do be warned that rents have gone up loads and the landlord may have their eye on increasing your rent substantially. So I really would be looking at ways to save money anyway. Think about what you want to do and then if you do decide to stay, I would contact the agent and ask them if the landlord intends to renew the tenancy - I wouldnt ask if they intend to price increase though. At least then you will get some answers as to whether they intend to increase the rent as they may be looking to up it by £100 or more if you are in a very expensive area. You could also go on a month to month (periodic) basis and you would have the flexibility of leaving with a months notice, however, you will not have a secured extension for a set period at a set price and the landlord would be able to give notice or increase your rent at any time.

Is there really nowhere you could move to that would be cheaper and still be able to commute? Are rents more expensive where you work as you could move closer to your job and DH change jobs if you are higher paid? People are assuming you work in London so no one has suggested that. Where do you live?

Alternatively could you find a larger 2 bed as the one you are renting sounds quite modern because of the dimensions Older style properties often have 2 reception rooms and a kitchen extension. The only downside then to a 1930's 2 up 2 down is that it will be more expensive to heat. Even if it didn't have the extension you may be able to fit a sofa (therefore living room area in the kitchen) and have the other reception room as your bedroom even if you have a dining area in it as well.

"you haven't got a dining room to turn into a room or anything like that?"

This is so sweet.

OP, I know more than one family with two plus children in a two-bed, where the parents sleep on a sofa-bed downstairs. It's far from ideal but it seems the only sensible option here.

You are commuting 3 hours a day to live in a cheaper area but how much does commuting cost? If pets are stopping you from having the accommodation you really want or need then that's the compromise. What's more important to you?

Agree with the pps who pointed out that this would be normal in many countries. And in the UK until very recently.

If it were me, I would be keeping my pets, keeping current set up until daughter is much older, then making super comfy adult space for sleeping downstairs for a brief period until son goes to uni. Only because otherwise you would have to go to bed too early.

Have to say the previous poster who suggested that the adult couple sleep in bunk beds made me laugh.

Ffs will people rtft pets are not inanimate objects. The comments about ops pets are getting insulting.

In your position I'd go for the sofa bed option, open plan living space or no.

We are in a (biggish) 2-bedroom flat with 3 dc. The two eldest share the main bedroom and the baby (different sex to the other two + big age gap) is obv in with us in a smaller room. We've just moved area and this is a bit of a stopgap until we get to know better what's on offer here. We're planning to move to a place with more rooms by the time she's 2 or 3, but if for whatever reason we couldn't, we'd move into the living room at that point on our sofa bed. No way would we impose a much younger child on the older two in their space. I don't think it would be fair to either of your two, with that age gap, to have them share.

janecc they're not meant to be insulting but rather people pointing out the blinding obvious.

The op is not happy in their house because it's too small, her commute is too long and her relationship is suffering because she shares a room with her daughter as well as DH.

The op wants a bigger house but says she cannot afford it. She needs outside space for pets (multiple). Many private landlords say no pets. So she's limited to more expensive properties and no flats.

On average a dog costs £1500 a year; a cat £900. If the op has both that's £200 a month. That's a lot of rent.

No pets = more money = more options = better housing.

If the pets are more important that the house the the op then that's fine. But it's the balance of what would make her quality of life better. If your marriage is suffering, would you risk it for a pet?

She can't go on sharing a room with her parents. That's more important than pets I'm afraid.

Charming. I wouldn't want to cross you.

I have posted upthread a out being a cosleeper and it not being an issue to have a 4yo in a family bed.

But now the OP has said that as a result, she and her partner haven't had sex for a year.

I think that is potentially a very big problem. Intimacy is the glue in a relationship, for many couples (and it's one of life's free pleasures!)

In my case, as we cosleep there's a lot of sex on the sofa. My child will not come downstairs after bedtime so we feel comfortable.

If that's the case with OP's kids then a sofa bed is a solution. If it's not, then you need to do one of:

• move
• put both in the small room
• put both in the big room
• use room dividers in the big room
• make the lounge the big bedroom (if it is bigger) and divide that whilst making the main bedroom the living space

I don't understand why the OP isn't engaging with people's suggestions - instead she just wants to get upset about people who think the pets are a problem. Fine, the pets are staying - but what about all the other good ideas?

This situation is not working if you haven't had sex for a year.

On average a dog costs £1500 a year; a cat £900. If the op has both that's £200 a month. That's a lot of rent.

Wow, when you look at it like that it's a big difference.

I'd be interested to know what area it is where a 3 bed property would be a 50% increase on their current rent on a 2 bed as its not normally that stark a difference. It's so difficult to advise anything with housing because it can be so variable from one area to another.

As someone else said, you might be able to find a different 2 bed property OP which might be a similar price but for a different layout which might suit your family composition better - even if it meant having a separate living room rather than open plan. I'd definitely keep an eye out for alternative rental properties because it's not always consistent between landlords or same size properties. For example, there could be a house that's on a busy road or next to an alleyway which would put off a lot of people, but providing it's perfectly safe they're things that you can overlook and compromise on in order to get that bit more space. Also, rental prices fluctuate so I'd keep looking in surrounding areas as some areas may become "less desirable" and therefore cheaper as others becoming more expensive. It's a changeable market so always good to keep looking rather than just get a snapshot and assume it will always stay that way.

I really think that there are places within a 90 min commute of london where a blue collar and office worker could rent a 3 bed property.

I bet MNers could fix you several options on right move OP that are in your current area.

All you do is moan that it's too expensive to get a three bed rather than think about the many suggestions that would aim to keep you in the property but give more privacy to everyone.