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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD aged 4 sharing parents' bedroom

335 replies

MarchelineWhatNot · 31/05/2016 15:53

We live in a tiny 2 up 2 down house which we rent from a private landlord. Our son has his own room and myself, DH & DD share the other bedroom. DD is always asking for her own room and I feel really sorry for her as I know she would keep it really nice and tidy.

Unfortunately, we cannot afford to move. We are stretched to the limit financially and I already commute 90 mins both ways (3 hours per day) for work so moving further out of the city is just not an option. We have pets as well so can't move into a flat.

So we're stuck. But I feel really sad for DD. Is it so bad for her to share our room? Is anybody else in this situation and if so, how do you handle it?

Thanks.

OP posts:
Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 18:43

I don't believe in a room for every child particularly; I shared with my sisters out of choice because it was fun until I was about 13/14 and wanted to be more grown up. But I wouldn't have shared with my parents. Can you imagine the teasing

Itsaplayonwords · 31/05/2016 18:43

But if one parent stops working that doesn't magic up a room either.

No, but if they're no better off with her working because of the additional expenses it incurs (travel and childcare) they could actually be better off if they were to claim Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit which they could then put towards the rent on a larger property.

fussychica · 31/05/2016 18:43

OP I shared a room with my parents until I was 8,( this was 50 odd years ago) it wasn't a problem for me as the child but I suspect it wasn't ideal for my parents. I was absolutely delighted to get my own room when we eventually moved house but no damage had been done. I think you have a couple of years before it's a major issue and hopefully some of the obstacles to moving will have resolved themselves in that time.

In the meantime it looks like the sofa bed is your only option if you want more privacy. Do get a good one, my DH did his back in when we slept on one whilst waiting for our house to be finished. Hope if all works out.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 18:43

No need to apologise, mummy Smile

I get what you're saying. That the statutory definition will determine where she would be on the housing list.

However unless the OP comes back, the advice is falling on deaf ears.

Wetbankhols · 31/05/2016 18:43

Well, I don't think THAT is going to be an issue in this instance! Not with a refusal to move house and a refusal to move rooms.

I suspect that the DS will be 'encouraged' to move out the second the poor sod turns 18 and then his eleven year old sister can have his room.

Enidblyton1 · 31/05/2016 18:45

Although it just about works at the moment, it won't for much longer so you need a plan. As moving seems out of the question, there must be a way or rearranging your current house. I guess you can't do too much if you're renting. One solution (which you probably won't like!) is to give your DD your bedroom and you sleep on a sofa bed in the lounge. Not a great solution, but you could still store stuff in the upstairs room.
Other solution is a temporary screen in your bedroom to give your DD her own space - but will be difficult unless you have a big bedroom. Good luck and hope you find a solution.

Inertia · 31/05/2016 18:52

Think I would probably keep the bedrooms as they are TBH, I think it'll be more important for the 11yo to have some privacy through puberty and space to study.

I would look at creative use of a loft bed and dividers to make a space for the 4yo within the parents bedroom - a loft bed would give her a space of her own underneath.

dotdotdotmustdash · 31/05/2016 18:53

You don't just have to look at renting a 3 bed home, even a two-bed with a large kitchen/diner would possibly help? The living-room can be bed 3 and if the kitchen/diner is big enough, maybe it could serve as a living-room area with a couple of couches and a tv?

Blimmincheek · 31/05/2016 18:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Janecc · 31/05/2016 18:57

DH slept in the living room til he had his own bedroom age 9. I think that was a silly decision btw as he couldn't go to bed before 9pm.

Op do what you think is best for your family. DD (7) sleeps in our room and she has a bedroom. (We were burgled last year and the guy came into the bedroom while I was sleeping in bed). DH was out. He woke me and I chase him out of the house thinking it was DH in my confusion or half women state - a bit frightening.... Coincidentally dd jumped on her bed the next day and broke a slat. It took a surprisingly very very long time for DH to repair it as I wanted to have her in bedroom safe with me. Now she doesn't want to move out and I'm kind of fine with that - but I am getting to the stage that I'd like my bedroom back for DH and me.

I'm sure your DD would like her own space though even if you don't like any of these ideas. Is there any tiny area in the house you could block off just for her or maybe a tipee or tiny pop up tent would be very exciting? My DD slept in her tent for months - cot bed mattress on the floor.

Cutecat78 · 31/05/2016 19:02

Wow get rid of the pets?!!

Bunk beds idea sounds the best - much better for them to share for a bit and not fair that an 11 yr old has his own room while the 3 other family members have to share?!

FIS2016 · 31/05/2016 19:08

What area do you live in? How much more is a 3 bed place? Is there any way you can reduce your monthly outgoings?

Feckitall · 31/05/2016 19:23

Hi OP..
They can share...

I shared with DM until I was 17. DB had box room, DGP had big room, DM and I mid sized room. I knew no different.

Artandco · 31/05/2016 19:25

Wet - yes we share a bedroom with a 5 and 6 year old. It's fine

Natsku · 31/05/2016 19:29

How about putting a double loft bed in the master bedroom for you and DH and making a sort of mini-room underneath it for DD using some heavy curtains or room dividers to make it more private for her?

GingerIvy · 31/05/2016 19:29

The OP has stated that:

  • sofabed in lounge won't work as too small a room
  • moving areas is not an option
  • quitting her job is not an option
  • moving within the area is not an option
  • getting rid of the pets is not an option
I don't blame her. These are valid considerations for various reasons.

I would say the best approach would be:

  • sign on for council housing list
  • look into housing association
(both of these things will likely take time, and at least then you're on the list)
  • look into bunk beds, but make sure to get the kind that can be used as bunk beds or separate beds. That way if you do get the opportunity to move, you can still keep them even if the dcs get separate rooms in a council property, for example.
  • look on pinterest and see all the examples of dividing up rooms, especially with bunk beds. There's loads of info on it.

Then, start looking into how you can start slowly whittling into your expenditures to put aside money for savings with a view to moving (if it becomes a possibility, due to council property or whatever).

Limegreentimemachine · 31/05/2016 19:31

Op have you looked at shared ownership and shared equity? I assume you can't afford to buy outright, but there are schemes available to make buying affordable. You would likely find that buyng is cheaper than your current rent.

jay55 · 31/05/2016 19:36

Give her a tent in the lounge a la party of five.

CherishFindensRulerOfDeath · 31/05/2016 19:36

Could you and DH do a loft bed in the living room? Then you could still have a sofa underneath.

Yika · 31/05/2016 19:39

I'd get a high sleeper bed for you and your DP and bunkbeds in the other room for your kids. Thus creating more space in both rooms. Or a play and sleeping area for your DD underneath your bed. Could also be curtained off.

Artandco · 31/05/2016 19:42

Personally op I think you are fine where you are based on our experiences.

What you could do though is:

  1. bunk beds in second room for the children
  2. add a small desk and small tv and books in your room for eldest 11 year old.
  3. then in evenings 4 year old can go to bed at say 8pm. 8-9.30/10pm 11year old can use your room to do homework/ read/ watch tv/ whatever if he wants some space alone.
  4. Or you can encourage that time as ' teen and adult time' when eldest gets to choose a game you play together, or you help with homework/ chat/ to together/bake together.

That way youngest gets to go to bed first. Eldest gets to either get alone time with parents or quiet time in your room so he can keep lights and noise a bit whilst she sleeps. Then he can go to his own bed when ready.

Add dim reading lights for both children. Add curtains for each bunk they can pull over if they like. Allow your room to be the room either can use if the other needs to use their bedroom, mainly eldest when youngest sleeps, but youngest also if eldest has friends over.

its life frankly. Your both working, provide a presumably clean, safe house. Fun, food, laughter. They and you will all be happy enough sharing between you.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/05/2016 19:43

The OP has stated that:
- sofabed in lounge won't work as too small a room

I've just whizzed back through the thread and can only find one post from the OP where she says the lounge is "tiny", as is the kitchen. She doesn't say it's too small for a sofa bed.

And the downstairs can't possibly be smaller than the upstairs, where there is one room which can fit a double bed in it Hmm

GingerIvy · 31/05/2016 19:52

Apologies. The OP said this: We only have a lounge room and kitchen downstairs. And the lounge room is tiny. As is the kitchen, we can't even fit a table in it. It kind of implies that the sofa bed isn't a great option for her. But as it's been suggested multiple times, I'm sure if she decides it's an okay option, she'll use it.

EssentialHummus · 31/05/2016 19:56

Have rtft. OP, like others I am wondering where you live and work, and what your job is. I can think of a few places an hour or less from London (assuming you work in London) which are affordable on two average salaries.

ijustwannadance · 31/05/2016 19:56

There is no way I would allow a 4 year old girl to share a bedroom with an 11 year old boy who is about to hit puberty.