To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

Costacoffee stealth boast that my DH takes care of his kids??? Really??

So were these the sort of replies you were after Loulou0?

Yep, I'm at the idea that doing the night feeds with a newborn is heroic if you are man and work 'full time'.

But if you are a woman and look after 2 children (a newborn and a toddler) then it's normal.
Because you know sitting at a desk all day long is so much harder than looking after a toddler and a newborn. There is a lot of juggling to do, a lot of pressure, deadlines to meet etc... All of which you clearly don''t have as a woman looking after 2 very young dcs. Nope. No juggling when your toddler demands your attention whilst feeling the baby. No deadline to be sure food is ready on time to avoid tantrums and screams and cries. No pressure from two types of demands that both need to be met.

OP there is nothing heroic about it and your DH isn't a saint.
However, our very patriarchal society has conditioned us to think men just cannot do any bay/child care and if they do, God forbid if they even do it at NIGHT when they should SLEEP, the they are magical creatures.
I would say, carry on. Enjoy the me time that I'm very sure you need. And don't forget to thank him (just as I hope he tank you) for his involvement.

Only you know what works for both of you. But it's definitely not common for a new mum to have zero sleep deprivation because her partner is taking on the mantle. If you had said that to me after I'd had DD I would have felt like utter shit bcos of the hellish sleep deprivation I was going through with no help (complex story. DH is a good DH but unable to help at that point or generally for nights).

I often think how much better my life would have been in terms of quality and ability to enjoy my baby if I'd had the chance to recover by getting solid sleep every night.

I won't lie - I am very envious of your situation as I'm sure many are. I can however manage to muster up a 'good for you' - but please for the sake of all the other mums around you who are suffering, don't harp on about it. Sleep deprivation is one of the most tortuous things with babies and it really hurts if you are suffering and the person next you is so blasé about how much help she gets. It still makes me sad even now to think how much better my time with DD would have been if I'd had more help.

Good luck and enjoy and most of all appreciate each other for both working hard.

I love the idea that British workplaces are full of people who are never tired/preoccupied/slacking/procrastinating/chatting/taking breaks/hungover/sick/uninterested/crap at their jobs.

Oh no, it's 8 straight hours of constant focus and productivity all the time.

It's only for such a short time in the big scheme of things. Before you know it you will have older children who don't wake and if you let them they stay in bed til noon.

'Saintly' parents will then be doing all the ferrying around to activities etc.

it's all well and good to say it's a desk job etc involving sitting down all day but presumably at some point you have to be able to focus and concentrate.

So unless you've had a full 8 hours sleep no one can ever concentrate on anything? Or is it just men that can't?

YANBU - I went back to work while still BFing so I did the night feeds, and she still wants me at night rather than DP so I am continuing to do the night feeds. I work FT. I'm not a hero or a saint or any of the other things I'd be if I were a man doing it.

The trouble with the hero / saint narrative about men who parent equally is that when your delightful 5 week old is 18 months old and STILL wakes and demands night feeds (I'm looking at you DD) it would be much easier to cop out of it if you've had months of being told you're doing more than you should.

I didn't say that Basic . All I meant was that if you get a decent sleep being able to focus and concentrate is more likely. whatever sex you are.

Whilst I agree that most jobs certainly aren't eight solid hours of focus I'm also surprised at how little some people apparently do.

I can do my job fine on one night of broken sleep but I would struggle on five days of broken sleep - we're all different though.

but please for the sake of all the other mums around you who are suffering, don't harp on about it.

That's not very fair! Why assume the OP might harp on it?

When I was working I often thought how easily everyone would cope without me there. Almost as if it was a job for a jobs sake. I also had a managing director who rarely showed his face, ever. His sole function seemed to be signing letters as if the idea of him was his role rather than actually doing any work and being present. I can honestly say I did most of his work. The hardest I ever worked though was in the army and then when I had my kids. Nothing in between ever touched either of those.

But looking after a baby and a toddler alone all day is often 9 or 10 hours with zero downtime.

You can't really switch off at all unless you can get them to nap at the same time.

When they are awake you are respinsie for keeping them safe, clean, fed, and entertained.

I don't think it's any more realistic to desrcribe that as "sitting on your arse" than being at your job.

They are both types of work, they are both important.

Valuing them both and recognising that both parents are probably tired the way forward if you want things to be equal between you.

Talking abkut maternity leave - time of massive change, exhaustion, mental and physical health problems, hard work, stress, and isolation for many women - as though it is a big long holiday, does a great disservice to women and the important work they do.

Criticising them as "lazy" if they hsve the temerity to have a partner who wants to be involved in raising his children as an equal parent is just shit.

Ugh so boring people saying "he works and does night feeds what a saint."

SHE works too, just at home, and if she did all the night feeds no-one would call her a saint!

Irritates me constantly seeing child-rearing women devaluing looking after kids as not real work compared to office work or whatever. It's hard and exhausting give yourselves some bloody credit!

My DH does no night feeds because I breast feed, and he wakes up every morning and tells me how tired he is, which is nice. However he does bring me a coffee in bed every morning, and makes dinner and does whatever little cleaning gets done housework after his day at work. I'm still looking after the baby then. We're both working.

I think him doing both night feeds is above and beyond personally.

We had a similar routine except I went to bed at 10pm, DH stayed up until 11/12, fed the baby then came to bed when he had settled him/her. I got up at 3/4 and did that feed. We then both got up about 7.30 to sort everyone for school/work etc together. Bedtimes were shared, weekend care was shared and we took turns at having a lie in on a Saturday. I did majority of house keeping, cleaning, cooking etc as I did this whilst babies slept. It was harder with toddlers but I muddled through doing some in evenings and at weekend and DH helping if it got too much for me.

I consider myself lucky when I see how useless some people are. You should do the same.

Should clarify that I think anyone doing both night feeds is above and beyond. The odd time I did both it was awful.

Unicow she shouldn't be grateful because her DP is less shit than some men you know about. They have a routine worked out they are both happy with. She has a right to expect that. Not go down on her knees about it.

Mummyto sitting on your arse? Your baby must be a lot different to mine.
Not that I think the painful, incessant, stressful breastfeeding of his early months was relaxing, sitting or not. I think it was work. But I hate TV.

I could do my job on one nights broken sleep or 5 nights broken sleep. 5 months and the cracks start to show. I'm also surprised that so many people are paid to do such easy jobs.

Buckinbronco maybe they're not easy, maybe some people just cope better than you would?

I think other than the night feeds (which I'll come to in a moment), he's doing no more than he should do. It's sad that so many people feel it's 'heroic' as it's a damning indictment on how little many fathers do and how normalised this has become.

All that said, I'd have said doing all the nigh feeds is a bit much, but if it works for you two and he's happy with it, then why fix what isn't broke? some people cope better with broken sleep than others and need less sleep overall. If that's your DH it makes sense he does that while you compensate in other areas (e.g. giving him the opportunity to have his free time on the weekends and to nap for four hours etc).

I was a single parent two twins and did it all (with the help of a childminder) while going back to work full time at 6 weeks. I know how hard it is and how precious sleep becomes. The only thing I'd say to you is to be prepared to change strategy if your DH starts flagging, maybe cutting back on his weekend free time or letting him do the put-to-bed routine in return for you dong some of the night feeds.

Basically, as long as you both have the same amount of child-free time and you're both getting a fair amount of opportunity to sleep, it doesn't matter what others think as long as your system works for you.

I do most of the night stuff, with dh stepping in sometimes - last night he was up from 2-3:30 with our non sleeping ds....

I'm ok with doing most of it while I'm on mat leave - ds does loads in evenings and weekends and early mornings so it's fair I do nights.

Really, as long as you're both ok with it, no ones feeling resentful and no one is too tired and driving/operating heavy machinery/a danger to themselves or others then you're doing it right.

It's not saintly though, it's just doing your share.

I think doing the night feeds when he has to go to work is fanastic, but how can he keep doing it without it grinding him down? if your not at work you should be doing it really, so for that yes he is a saint.

After I had my third C-section my DH slept downstairs on the sofa with our newborn in a moses basket next to him for 3 weeks and feed her/changed her/rocked her to sleep. He also worked full time. We had a toddler and a three year old too. It fried him in the end - he is a saint!! I recovered from the section and took over night feeds. But, he did say, while it was shattering and he was beyond tired at times he formed the most amazing bond with her - caring for her himself every night. She is 6 now and they still adore each other. If your DH wants to help you by doing this that's good - there will come a time when you can help him out somehow. He is a saint btw. Lots of husbands don't do this and wouldn't consider it.

Wow. If he is happy with this arrangement then great i guess, but it sounds like you definitely get the sweet end of the deal here OP! So you sleep all night and you don't have to go to work the next day? Where can I find one of these blokes!

Highsteaks she works looking after children.

Going to bang my head against a wall now.