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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
notinagreatplace · 31/05/2016 12:49

All for men taking an equal role at home but, to be honest, it sounds like he is doing more than his fair share - it's not just the nightfeeds but that he takes over in the evening with childcare as well. What's the split like at weekends?

Having said that, doing more than his fair share doesn't make him a saint either, any more than women doing more than their fair share does either.

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 12:52

I think doing the night feeds when he has to go to work is fanastic, but how can he keep doing it without it grinding him down? Now, that's a really tricky question. Let me see…. Hmmmm….. I know! He can keep going the same way women do!

angielou123 · 31/05/2016 12:53

I think you are lucky. Ive had 4 babies and never had a night feed done for me, let alone half hour to myself in the evenings.

RandomMess · 31/05/2016 12:56

I think it's him pitching in and being involved with his children and he'll reap the benefit of a close, nurturing relationship with them!

I did the night feeds as I was breastfeeding but once that ended DH always did them. He would get up and attend to whatever and not really remember the next day Envy.

It's all about equal leisure time and whether you both value your DC having the experience of toddler groups or going to the playground and accepting that is part of the "work" of being a SAHP rather than it being "fun"/"leisure time" for them.

Makes me wonder why so many people have such low expectations of a working father being involved in nurturing THEIR children...

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 12:56

notinagreatplace. I know, it's totally unreasonable to expect a father to care for his own children after work. Especially when OP mentioned not a whole evening of childcare but just putting the toddler to bed.

Seriously, who does that? Work AND put toddlers to bed?

NickiFury · 31/05/2016 12:57

She's not lucky. Her life is normal. YOU were unlucky. Oh and he wouldn't be doing the night feeds for you. He should have been doing them for his child. He basically neglected all of his children because he had you to do it for him.

NickiFury · 31/05/2016 12:57

That was for angielou.

LittleBearPad · 31/05/2016 12:57

I think if he is doing every single night feed then yes he's doing more than his share. Yes he should be looking after his children but the balance doesn't seem wholly fair.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 12:58

**But OP isn't fortunate, it's how it should be!!

couldn't agree more! There are obviously some genuine reasons why some dps don't do night feeds but on the whole it seems as though they just don't want to lose any sleep. This doesn't make any sense - when a couple has a new baby surely they both expect to be knackered for a year? I refuse to be grateful to my DH for being a great dad and husband. Likewise, I don't expect him to be grateful to me for being a great mum and wife!

Some really interesting opinions here, I asked the question because I was bemused that my dm and friends were so taken aback by our routine. Having read the comments, it seems that I am in the minority to have a DH who does as much as he does. which is great for me and our dcs as it means we have easier days and I have the energy to take them out and have fun with them. It's also great for DH as he has loads of time with the kids and they will Grow up knowing that their dad took good care of them too. It also means my boys will grow up seeing equal parenting, which sets them up to have healthy relationships when they are older.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 12:59

Nickyfury yes! Exactly.

OP posts:
DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 13:00

There are two tiny dependent children.

Once he gets home then it makes sense to manage a child each.

Isn't that normal?

What kind of parent comes home to the competing evening needs of a newborn and a toddler and doesn't atrend to one of them?

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 13:02

Illstart what constitutes harping on about it..? Discussing with friends, posting on Aibu..?

OP posts:
LittleBearPad · 31/05/2016 13:03

I did four night feeds a week, DH did three. Believe me I have absolutely no truck with fathers who don't do their share but at the moment I'm not sure your approach is equal parenting - you get to have all the fun (your words), he gets to go to work and nap at the weekend to catch up on lost sleep. Do the night feeds have to be all or nothing.

KP86 · 31/05/2016 13:07

I'm rather envious of everyone who thinks looking after two children isn't as hard as a cushy office job. Can we swap kids please?

BillSykesDog · 31/05/2016 13:08

This doesn't make any sense - when a couple has a new baby surely they both expect to be knackered for a year?

No necessarily. My DH only did night feeds at the weekend. He operates heavy machinery so he just can't be knackered at work because there could be potentially fatal consequences. Even if he didn't do that, he was supporting the family in that year, and if he wasn't fit to work or was making mistakes because of tiredness it could have jeopardised his employment. And the consequences of that could have been unemployment and hence massive financial problems, homelessness etc.

I think a lot of it comes down to the fact that although extreme tiredness during parental leave is horrible, often the consequences are nowhere near as serious as the potential ones for the parent who is still at work.

We really had to weigh it up. DCs 2&3 are due for me in August and I'm lucky DC1 is going to school Sept so I will hopefully have a little time during the school day to catch up on sleep. DH will have to help somewhat during the week because it's twins. But we're conscious he needs to maintain a decent level of alertness that I won't really.

Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 13:11

I don't think so kitsa, I can cope with enormous amounts of crap. I agree some people can't though.

Highsteaks · 31/05/2016 13:12

Highsteaks she works looking after children

She doesn't even have to get up and out for a school run. And the fact is that however hard it is to be at home looking after 2 young kids (and Christ knows I've been there), if you really want to plonk the toddler in front of the telly all day and not even bother getting out of your PJs then that is an option, and an option that no one will even really judge you for. I cang believe he does not one, but BOTH night feeds as well!

I must be a downtrodden wifey to a right bastard - as soon as he finished paternity leave botb times he would put a blindfold and earplugs in at 11pm and not wake up again until 6:30am.

Like I said, if he is happy being woken up twice in the night and then going to work for someone who quite frankly doesn't give a fuck if you have been up half the night with a baby then he is a mug thats his choice. But it is unusual and you should be a bit more grateful IMO.

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 13:12

kitsa I admit I think I am VERY lucky. My 5 week old on the whole is very laid back.

I ff and imo that's ten times easier than BF and to be honest I couldn't cope with it the short time I did it so hats off to you for doing it. (Not gonna say any more about that because that's another thread and we all know people like to argue talk about that)

He can be quite upset and whingey after feeds but he does nap in the day (not for very long) but he happy sat with me or in his bouncy chair, he's happy in his Pram when we go for walks and he loves just having a general look around while I talk to him etc.

My job is probably not harder than looking after a baby but it does require more concentration.

I can certainly sit on my arse with my baby if I want to, which occasionally I do, but I certainly cannot sit on my arse at my job!

Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 13:13

But loulou- in your situation it's you who doesn't want to lose any sleep isn't it?

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 13:13

Good point billsykes . I'm sure things would be different if DH had a manual job but he tells me his job is easy. Mostly meetings and emails. Waking in the night doesn't seem to have an effect on his productivity at work.

OP posts:
Highsteaks · 31/05/2016 13:14

When does your DH get his 'time to himself?'

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 13:15

Loulou0 what does he do?

I want a job like that!!

I do work in an office but it ain't anything like that!

Maverick66 · 31/05/2016 13:16

He is a Saint.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 13:18

Buckingbronco I'd do the nightfeeds if he didn't want to but he says he likes doing them and is ok with losing sleep. I'd be stupid to turn this down right? If he ever said 'I'm knackered, I can't do it tonight/anymore then I'd take over. (Obviously!) occasionally i get up too and say I'll do it but he insists he's fine and happy.

OP posts:
Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 13:20

Lol at meetings. So the meetings don't require thought? Decision making? action points to be fulfilled? Or discussion which is expected to be reasonably intelligent? Or do they just sit around and gass. Maybe a snooze in the corner?

What are these people adding to their companies? They sound like a total waste of wages if they can just go in and mindlessly be present.