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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 31/05/2016 10:41

No, it's not saintly, it's just doing his share. It is infuriating the double standards that are applied to men and women when it comes to expectations around childcare.

Having said that, I applaud him for it – well, I applaud you both for having a solution that sounds as though it works for all of you!

NickiFury · 31/05/2016 10:42

I'm more saintly than any of you. I did 24 hour a day feeds, childcare etc for both children as ex H wouldn't do anything at all.

Teddy1970 · 31/05/2016 10:42

If he's happy to do the night feeds then fine, but don't assume he will want to do it forever because it will start to take it's toll on him, especially when baby starts teething. I did all the night feeds simply because DH had to be up at the crack of dawn with a long drive ahead of him , so it made sense that I did them, however, he did some of the night feeds when he was on leave!

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 10:42

mummytohpm, yes, plenty of people go to bed before midnight, but they also tend to get up way before 8 am. An average human being needs 8 hours of sleep a night. So if one is getting up at 8 am, it would be rather natural for one to go to bed at around midnight.

Seriously, men are not made of sugar. They really will not melt if exposed to a bit of hardship. The bloke is getting more than seven hours of sleep every night with only one interruption - he is barely dipping his toe into purgatory in my book of babyhood hell, never mind the other nine circles.

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 10:46

😇

I think it's worth remembering that he wants to do this.

DH always did the last feed before we went to bed.

It started as a way to give me a break with the first, but became a real bonding experience for him and his babies.

He loved taking himself off to feed them and change them and coo at them. When we eventually ran out of EBM and went back to me doing a breastfeed he was sad :(

We eked it out as long as we could.

damepeanutbutter · 31/05/2016 10:46

OP, you may be on maternity leave and some see that as meaning you have to do the childcare 24/7, which is utter rubbish. You work a 12-13 hour day with two very young children. It must be full on. I bet you wish you had a sitting down job all day? I've done both and I know which one is easier!! If your DH wants to do his bit by doing the night feeds then that's great. He is not a saint; he is 'doing his bit' and is more generous with his time than a lot of dads and good on him for being such a good dad and partner. The night feeds will stop soon and you will still be left with a full on 12-13 hour exhausting working day without help. Maybe your DH could then do the 6.00 am starts in order to balance things out again and give you some rest? Both of you are saints. Parenting well is hard work. Seems like you've both got it covered.

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 10:47

The bloke is getting more than seven hours of sleep every night with only one interruption - he is barely dipping his toe into purgatory in my book of babyhood hell, never mind the other nine circles.

Yy

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 10:52

Autumn he is getting sleep yes and it could be a lot worse. I agree that it's not a night feed if he doesn't go to sleep before midnight. I do - so it would be a night feed to me.

Personally I find I need more sleep if the sleep I have had was broken. I can function better on 4 hours of solid sleep than I could say 7 or 8 hours broken sleep and being up half an hour 3 times during that. Obviously not everyone is the same and some cope better than others with less/broken sleep

I just think it's a teeny bit selfish of op to let her husband do all the night feeds when she's at home all day (especially the days where her toddler is in childcare) and could basically sit on her arse in her pyjamas and do nothing except the three hourly feed and nappy change. (Not being mean this is infact what I am doing now!! Because I'm tired and I can!)

Especially as she has a cleaner as well and isn't expected to blitz the house top to bottom every day!

StrawberryQuik · 31/05/2016 10:53

OP I think you're lucky to have a DH who pulls his weight/does an equal share. So what if he's the only one doing night feeds, no one bats an eyelid when it's the mum who does all the night feeds.

Also there's jobs and jobs surely, as a SAHM you have to keep a person alive whereas there's plenty of standard jobs where you only work 9-5, take a lunch break etc.

PalePolkaDot · 31/05/2016 10:56

If it works for you, it works for you. No one else's opinion matters as long as you are both fine with it.

I think you must be able to see why people think he's doing more than his share though? Doesn't make him a saint but it does make him unusual. And it sounds as though he works close to home, reasonable hours etc etc.

My DH is an absolute trooper and has never shirked from anything but as I'm breastfeeding I do all the night feeds. He then does the early starts and gives me a lie in or naptime every weekend.

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 11:02

mummytohpm, OP's husband IS getting 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Assuming that the 3 am feed lasts 20-30 minutes, he is getting 4.5 hours of sleep between 3:30 am and 8 am. Plus he is getting god knows how many hours before 3 am. So he is in clover even according to your rather generous performance indicators.

NickiFury · 31/05/2016 11:03

I just think it's a teeny bit selfish of op to let her husband do all the night feeds when she's at home all day (especially the days where her toddler is in childcare) and could basically sit on her arse in her pyjamas and do nothing except the three hourly feed and nappy change

But you don't do that every day do you? Most parents don't - that's taking a day off as far as the parent of a new born and toddler is able to, it's not long term. Mainly because they get older and require more interaction and care and ensuring they get all the socialising, play groups, parks, educational experiences that we are all so obsessed about as parents.

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 11:11

Most new mothers I know hate the sitting on your arse bit. They generally want to get off their arses and go to the toilet/for a walk/get something to eat/take a shower/go to the supermarket/do laundry/clean/escape to Mars/etc.

And I really do wonder - if sitting on your arse is so fab, why don't more men do it? (especially considering that they are really good at grabbing all other opportunities for good things in life like higher pay and having somebody else mate your socks)

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 11:12

nicki no of course I don't do that every day but what I'm saying is on a bad night (if they ever have them!) op could have a nap or have a quiet day in with the kids - her husband can't nap at his desk!

I just personally think her husband is doing more than his fair share.

Yes op has the kids/baby when DH is at work but I don't think the days are as bad as the nights ( and that's coming from someone who's 5 week old doesn't like to nap and screams after every feed in the day time, and is very well behaved and sleeps at night)

I don't find getting up getting ready and going out hard at all - I do find getting up twice at night hard if I'm being honest.

I think I would find it very hard to actually work though. Getting up and getting there - fine - actually doing work and trying to concentrate and speak to clients and doing my job properly - not fine.

But If Op's DH job is easy and he's fine with it and it works for them - fine.

It wouldn't work for us and I'd feel incredibly guilty if it was me sleeping through.

If it was other way round and I was at work and oh was at home - he'd be doing the night feeds so it's not a 'woman's work' thing.

Maybebabybee · 31/05/2016 11:14

Most new mothers I know hate the sitting on your arse bit.

I have 11 week old DS and love sitting on my arse feeding him and watching shit daytime telly. I think it's the best part of my maternity leave!

We do get out a few times a week but more because I feel guilty if we don't. I secretly love days like today when it's pissing it down as I have an excuse to snuggle indoors all day Grin

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 11:15

Why don't more men sit on their arse? seriously!

I have seen a million threads on here where the op speaks of her oh or DH doing absolutely shite all when they're at home.

I have seen so many women complain that they do all the night feeds. The cooking. The cleaning. The childcare. God knows what else and that their partner goes to work, comes home and does nowt and thinks that that's perfectly acceptable.

Seemingly quite a lot of men do just sit on their arse!

AuntDotsie · 31/05/2016 11:17

having somebody else mate your socks

TBF, this sounds a bit niche Wink

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 11:17

Plus I'm not saying if you do the night feeds you have to sit on your arse - I'm saying the option to do that is there if your feeling a bit shit, you've had a bad night or you generally can't muster the energy to do anything else.

You can't do that at work.

jo2107 · 31/05/2016 11:19

The night feed part is what makes him a star, when my husband returns to work i'll be doing the feeds, at the start we'll share them.

NickiFury · 31/05/2016 11:31

Being at work for me in an office based job was generally far easier than being home with two under three. It just was. I had hours with not much going on, chit chat with other adults, an hour for lunch just eating peacefully or wandering round the shops or even going to the gym that was right next to my office.

Basicbrown · 31/05/2016 11:32

You can't do that at work.

I sit on my arse all day when I'm at work. People at work have days where they are tired/ feel like shit (pregnant women for example), you have to get on with it.

IrianOfW · 31/05/2016 11:40

Night feeds and a full-time job is saintly IMO. I did it on and off for years and I can tell you I was a bloody saint! Sleep-deprived and becoming psychotic yes, but definitely saintly Grin

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 11:42

Okay I'll rephrase that - I couldn't do that at work.

I'd have loved to sit on my arse all day and not worry about whether what I had done was correct but I can't!

When I was pregnant I felt shit continuously but I couldn't just sit on my arse.

Yeah I got on with it because I had no choice - OP's DH does have a choice.

If he's happy doing it then fine....

Sparklingbrook · 31/05/2016 11:45

it's all well and good to say it's a desk job etc involving sitting down all day but presumably at some point you have to be able to focus and concentrate.

SapphireStrange · 31/05/2016 11:45

And I really do wonder - if sitting on your arse is so fab, why don't more men do it?

It's a very good question. And I don't think the poster meant sitting on your arse in the sense that so many men seem to –doing fuck all, ever –I think she meant specifically sitting on your arse as maternity leave/looking after babies and small children is so often characterised.