To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

"OP I think there is an imbalance here.

Your OH comes back from work, gives you the evening to yourself then is woken at 12, 3am and 6 am while you sleep. Then he has to work all day."

Why no mention of of 10/11 hours that the OP is entirely alone caring for her toddler and new born children?

It does sadden me a bit when people are so clinical about children.

It sounds like a wonderful arrangement, and a model for the future! .

Also, being with children all day is way, way, way more tiring, isolating, and tedious at times than being at work.

Is the midnight one a 'dream feed'? If so I'd drop it

If its working then great. DH did more of the night feeds than me. Tbh he functions better on less sleep anyway, its not as if your dh gets up particularly early anyway (as mine doesn't). If he had to rise at 5 for a 90 minute drive it would be different.

MrsRyanGosling - this is surely a question of balance and, in our case, it was one of safety. There is in my experience a wholly different situation between the regular feeds of the early days and being woken up by a child's needs later. The first, as we all know is draining and tiring in a very different way from the second, even if the second also accompanies a child being unwell. I certainly would not, after our experience, again want DH to drive up to 60 or 70 miles to work a full and tiring day and then back home to get up several times in the night. I didn't really want it at the time and felt very guilty indeed after the accident. That wasn't some sort of sexism but a feeling that the sharing of our joint responsibilities had not been balanced in our case for those weeks. We re-balanced but they were our decisions and everybody must make their choices in their own way - to criticise those choices in politically correct terms is not very helpful.

I don't think we can say that as an established fact, holly.

As an aside, personally I find small kids far more mentally exhausting than work (I work in research) becaue they are constantly a moving target, I am more a focused attention sort of person and like a bit more predictability and order. I can analyse data and read weighty tomes of theory all day long but that stressful morning school run where everything goes to pot unsettles me from time to time. I think it's really silly the way we see it as 'mindless' - it seems less automatic to me than any paid word I've ever done.

Buckinbronco do you think you are exaggerating slightly? Where does it say he's up all night? Reading what you posted it's as if she has 12 hours 'off' and sleeps the entire time. The children belong to both of them! All this pandering to men shit is so bloody ridiculous, have women just been conditioned to accept this crap? So I do a 13hr day on the ward, I have been up with 1/2 sometimes all 3 kids the night before, should I stop? Because I'm going over and above in my parenting and have to go to work? And who are these women spending their maternity leave lying around in their pajamas, sleeping when the baby sleeps? What do they do with their toddlers and school aged children? I've never met one.

I don't think he's saintly either. I think he does his fair share, and you have offered to share night feeds if it is too much, giving him a way out out if he needs it.

I agree we are conditioned to think we should be doing it all.

Of course not kate - I was being a bit flippant. It depends on the job and the person. If you're out breaking rocks all day, you're probably more tired than someone doing childcare.

Personally, I've worked long, long hours at a high pressure, high stress managerial job, and I find just a couple of hours of one child under the age of 5 is way, way WAY harder than 12 hours with three phones ringing and an email coming in every 30 seconds. I do not know how full-time parents cope, I really don't, because I am ready to pull the walls down after a morning. Hats off to them.

I think you are very lucky - especially having a cleaner too. Not all babies are awake for ages though, mine used to have a quick dream feed if they did wake up in the night. So it was never a massive deal to get up and feed them for ten mins. He sounds lovely and you will be looking good from the exercise. I wish I had been more assertive about needing some time to myself. Was back at work myself though at 4 months with the first, doing a job with extra work to do once the kids are in bed. I'm a little bit envious of your set up!

Cat it could just as easily been you and the children in an accident after you have been up with them and then looking after them all day. If all these husbands are too precious to drive when they are tired, I'm assuming by that logic, no mothers should be driving either?

He's on call overnight though isn't he? The OP gets her full nights sleep and he responds to the children.

I'm not in the slightest bit interested in pandering to men. My response would be exactly the same if a male partner who didn't work was doing the same as the OP.

I don't know about you but my maternity leave was 6 months. On the odd day there would be sleeping and mindless walking around the block in a sleep deprived fuzz. Or coffee at a friends. On other days there would be trips to the coast and deep cleaning the house. It all depended on how sleep
Deprived we were and what the situation that time was. It's not black and white.

Also, for the sake of balance, my DH does a lot more childcare than me. But when it comes to precious sleep at a time you aren't getting any, we've prioritised whomever needs it the most

After 9-12 months most mum's are back to work to and plenty are still up with kids during the night, I don't see people worrying about them or calling them heroic and amazing.

Have you seen the state of women who go back to work with a 9-12 month old who is still waking at the level of a newborn? I've known of a couple of women who've done this. And yes, I would say they are pretty heroic and amazing and I'm not sure how they haven't had breakdowns as it's been so tough on them and affected their health so badly - and they've not been doing it entirely alone.

It's nice this is working so well in the early weeks, but I don't think it's sustainable. In the OPs shoes long term I would be looking for at least some childcare for the toddler in the daytime so I could do at least one more night feed and catch up on sleep while they were out.

If s woman posted on here saying she did all the night feeds, spent all evening with the kids, and worked outside of the home with a SAHD (I realise op is on maternity leave so not quite the same) I do think there would be a lot of comments about 'cocklodgers' (little though I like that phrase.)

However, the above isn't applicable here as all parties seem happy - but personally I'd like a few words of recognition. Not as a hero but just to feel appreciated. If all I got was 'oh, but you have it easy going out to work instead of being with the kids' I'd feel disgruntled and cross and that's never good news relationship wise.

I have an office job and it's definitely easier to do it and be tired than looking after my one 18 month old. So it would certainly be easier than looking after two children.

Men collectively have pulled a real fast one about the difficulties of work. See also all the men who can't leave the office on time ever - it's often (speaking as someone who manages a team) bullshit.

Anyway your set-up sounds good to me! In fact it occurs to me that it's similar to what me and DH did but the other way round. I always did all the night feeds as I was breastfeeding and that continued after I was back at work full time. DH did (and does) basically everything else. Nobody has called me heroic :(

LOL at "on call".

I did all baby night wakings when we had a baby and a toddler.

The deal was that DH was "on call" for the toddler.

By your sums we were both awake 12 hours per night.

If fact I woke an average of once per night.

He woke an average of once. Ever.

It sounds like these kids sleep well and their Dad is a night person.

As a night person with babies who slept well, I can't really see what the drama is.

He's getting a solid 7 hours a night, broken once.

That shoukd not render a competent lerson unable to do their job.

I don't see anything heroic about this at all. Just normal behaviour of a normal responsible parent.

1. The husband in question does not do two night feeds. Just one. The midnight feed does not count as a night feed as most people do not go to bed until midnight, especially if they have the luxury of sleeping in until 8 am. Being up once during the night for 20 minutes is not going to kill anyone.

1. Working in the office is bloody easier than being at home with a newborn AND a toddler for the whole day by yourself. I base this judgement on my personal experience of doing both (and I have a demanding job).

1. Loads of women go back to work at 6-9-12 months while continuing breastfeeding and getting up in the night. Nobody clucks around them for being heroic. I went back to my full-time demanding job when DS was 7 months. He woke up two and sometimes three times EVERY night (and the first waking was not at midnight!) until he was 2 years old. I survived, am in good health and did not have any breakdowns in the process. Men can do the same.

Really wish people would stop saying the midnight feed doesn't count.

Of course it bloody well counts if you go to bed before midnight - which a lot of people do!!

My DH does the nights. He's better at coping without sleep than I am. He wants to do it. He's still managed to hold down his managerial job.

DS, now 11mo, slept through from 6 weeks though and we were so, so lucky! But now, if he wakes up with teething or illness, DH will be the one sorting it out and he gets DS up in the mornings. He says I'm the one looking after DS all day so he'll take the nights. He sees it as part of his 'job' as a dad and he wants to make sure I'm ready and happy for the days. We each get one lie-in of a weekend.

I don't know if it's saintly as such, but it is really nice. I don't find looking after a baby all that easy, and he was a big screamer when he was littler (sometimes for hours on end without let-up). I've been pushed to, and past, my limits far more with a baby than in any job I've ever done. I think a partnership like a marriage should have some give and take and working it out between you, to whatever works for both of you, is healthy. Hard-and-fast rules simply don't work for everyone.

My dad did night feeds while working FT when I was born in the 90s :) but they were lucky in that I was a very sleepy placid baby! I think my dad just wanted to spend the time he was at home with his newborn to be honest...not heroic & nothing you wouldn't expect really. If I'd just seen my wife give birth I think I'd want her to rest as much as possible, for her sake and everyone else's!

OP you work full time too - when is there a moment in the day when you're off duty? You are facilitating his being able to work full time by being constantly available to your children during the time he's away. And I think if he gets up at 8 and you at 6, it's rather fair.

I wouldn't say he's saintly no. D say he sounds like a caring husband and father.

Personally I do think doing all the night feeds is a bit much when you're working too. But you say he sleeps in until 8. It's usually easier for the mum on maternity leave to had a sleep in the day to catch up.

Everything else just sounds normal.

I think people are so used to women doing absolutely everything household and childcare related, that when a man steps up he's seen as a saint, when actually plenty of single mums do it all single handedly anyway.

He does all the night feeds and works full time whilst you are on maternity leave - yes, that seems saintly to me

I'm a bloody top of the range saint too, then.

I did all the night feeds (breastfeeding) and worked full time after 4 months, while DH was a SAHP. And woke up at 6 with baby, and didn't complain.

I mean think about it - you physically can't share the load during pregnancy which is nine whole months long, plus labour, so it makes sense to sort of readress the balance after the birth! If he was yawning all over the place and operating heavy machinery it might be different, but if he's coping then....