To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

Though whoever said they share night feeds with one baby, what madness is this? Totally unnecessary and counterproductive to have you both permanently knackered.

In my opinion the one who is going out to work should not have to do night feeds. Maybe at the weekend, but it during the week. But if your husband doesn't mind then do t worry about it.

But yes, I think you've got a good one there

It's not my reality, or my DH's.

We both function fine at work on little or broken sleep.

It doesn't make me slow and stupid.

That's your reality.

I wanted to be a good mother to my children even when I was on maternity leave, and sleeping on the sofa while my baby and toddler were unattended was not part of that.

That only happened if I, or they, were sick.

You have your priorities. But there are other ways to do things that work for other families.

OP I think there is an imbalance here.

Your OH comes back from work, gives you the evening to yourself then is woken at 12, 3am and 6 am while you sleep. Then he has to work all day.

My OH did no night feeds at all, but then I breastfed.

I think you have it easy OP.

My DH did night feeds when DD2 was born. She was the only one I did not BF and was the 3rdDC in 38 months, 4th in 55 months. He insisted but I could see he was getting very tired whilst also doing a job which often involved a 55 to 60 hour week and driving to wherever he was working. One morning he had an accident which was his fault when he drove off the road, proabably asleep or just so spaced out he wasn't concentrating. Fortunately he was not really hurt but it frightened me very badly and I used that to put an end to him getting up. We were lucky because we were able to get some household help in short term as a compromise which relieved the strain on both of us as it left me with just childcare to do and no routine stuff. However it did teach me not to let DH overstretch himself and we would not have made the same mistake with DC5 even if I had not BF him.

It sounds like you're lucky:

• to have a DH who is in a position to do so much (to be able to leave the house at 9am and still be home to put toddler to bed means he is fortunate to have a short commute and no need to work overtime).

-to have a baby that is only waking to feed twice a night and seems to be sleeping fairly reliably.

-to be fit enough postpartum to be able to go out for a run (I am not even sure this is recommended even if you feel up to it!)

Lastly of course you are fortunate to have a DH who is willing to pitch in to this degree.

But to be honest you're just fortunate in the round - to be fit and well after giving birth, to have a comparatively easy newborn, to have a DH who is able to do more than most. The fact he is willing to do that much is the icing on the cake.

There's no point comparing the demands of staying at home vs working when you don't know the baby and you don't know the job.

I can only speak for my babies, both had naps so I was able to nap with them for at least an hour a day (both had 'quiet time' after lunch for about 2 hours, we all used to nap on weekends!). My work requires lots of thinking and writing which is really badly affected by sleep deprivation, I hardly wrote a thing for about a year or two when the children were little and this was not great given an unstable work situation in the middle of a recession.

I don't think the man in this situation is saintly though, it sounds like both parents are playing to their strengths, and giving each other time to rest- the dad gets a lie in til 8 (which is a huge lie-in every day with small babies!) and an afternoon nap/off on the weekend in exchange for the night feeds. That sounds about right to me- I used to do night feeds (bf) but have long naps on the weekend/husband take the children out for a few hours to catch up.

As a sahm I pretty much did the bulk of the night duties with dh chipping in frequently when I needed him too. He often works night shifts so I didn't have a lot of choice most of the time. I think it's not about who deserves what it's about finding a balance that helps you both function and stay sane.

Going to work and doing a good job requires a good nights sleep also but caring for children on your own and staying sane also requires rest too. If you have found a balance that suits you both then you have done well and as long as you're both open and honest with each other then no-one is going to end up feeling resentful.

You have a lovely relationship where you look after each other and that's great. If other people want to give dh all the credit just let it roll off you and don't let it spoil what you have.

I honestly think YABU.

Your Dh works full time, does all the night feeds and helps you get the children ready?

I feel sorry for him. He must be absolutely knackered. He might not tell you he is but I bet he is!

I've got a 5 week old who's really really good at night. He still has two night feeds at about 2am and then 5am (5am not strictly a night feed sometimes we get up after that, sometimes we go back to bed.) and he goes back to sleep almost immediately after each feed and so do i, but I'm still shattered!

I then get up with him, look after him all day and clean/tidy/do mountains of washing/food shop/cook etc

Granted I do not have a toddler as well, but I don't ever get to sleep during the day!

I would LOVE to get my DP to do all the night feeds but the reality is he drives all day and I would rather be a tired mum than a single one because DP was sleep deprived and crashed at work.

However he often does the 11pm feed, and occasionally does a night on a weekend when he's not working. He's not good on broken sleep so I don't often get him to do it because it's not good for anyone him being a miserable git!!

But all things considered - especially the fact you have a cleaner, and that your toddler goes to nursery - I don't think you're doing your fair share! I think your DH is doing a lot more than you (and I think he would be even if he wasn't working)

A person on Mat leave can have a lazy day around the house or walking out with the Pram. It's mindless and doesn't take much mental energy. That's what you do if you're on mat leave and sleep deprived

Jesus.. I find myself as mentally exhausted by kids as I do by my job (computer programmer) - at least at my job when I go for a pee I'm left alone - I'm not followed round by a 2 year old wanting to converse.

Not that this is a competition - I think he's pulling his weight, and it's no more saintly to do that than if she did all the night feeds and had the naps/lie-ins.

Doinitfine no one said anything about sleeping whilst the children were unattended it's not about you being amazing and everyone else being neglectful and shit. You're not amazing, no more so than anyone else on here. You don't have better priorities as you're indicating.

Fwiw my DH and I shared maternity; the one who wasn't working did the night feeds (I BF for 6m but that was the portion I was on maternity) when we both returned we both struggled with high level jobs to have the energy and focus needed. Why anyone would put themselves through that with a SAHP is anyone's guess martyr

Night feeds when you are working is saintly.
I did them, no choice as I was BF, and was always tired at work, wore jeans to work during all that time, luckily had great boss.
Even a desk job has responsibilities, decision making etc, hard to be dynamic when suffering form sleep deprivation.
When the DC started toilet training DH always got up in the night to take the toilet, endlessly patient and never complained and I was so grateful. he has a very tough and stressful job, and has to make decisions that affect people significantly.
He is not a saint in others ways - and in fact we are divorcing now, but that is one of the things I will always cherish about him.

How on earth do small children manually exhaust you?

I think there's always going to be a certain amount of discord relating to the line between paid work and domestic duties - comparisons to cleaners and nannies. I don't get paid for cleaning my house either; that's because my 'payment' is in living somewhere clean and hygienic.

I do think in this instance the husband is doing a lot and it's working for them and that's great but I also think taking for granted can be damaging to a marriage or relationship.

LOL

So you get to boast about how great you are and tell a woman with a 5 week old baby that she is lazy, but if I tell yiu yiur parenting sounds a bit slack you don't like that?

😂😂😂

No, I'm not amazing.

But I do get a lot of fun out of winding the "I'm so brilliant and professional and being a mother is just stuoid, mindless nonsense thst is beneath me".

I don't think I've ever seen so much sexism from women, about women on one thread. So he feeds his own child, big deal!! I have been at home with kids, I've been working with kids. It's all work, just different versions of it. All this, poor husbands have to go to work crap. After 9-12 months most mum's are back to work to and plenty are still up with kids during the night, I don't see people worrying about them or calling them heroic and amazing. Going to work does not stop you being a parent during the night. Even with breastfeeding, my husband did the winding and the nappy changes during the night. Why is it fair it's all on me just because I'm a woman? We both decided to have children therefore we both knew we would be tired for a while! My ds3 is having a bad time sleeping at the min. Only my dh goes to him even though he is working. If I went he would be attached to the boob all night. He's not a hero, or a saint. He is a parent looking after his child.

With this attitude, it's no wonder there are so many threads about lazy husbands not Pulling their weight and doormat wives putting up with it. It drives me mad. Equal parents, equal parenting.

Doinitfine are you mistaking me for someone else? Where did I boast about how great I am?

It's fair Mrsryangosling, when only one of you is working that that same person isn't up all night on duty. I don't understand how anyone could think any differently. One person is doing a 24 hour Job and one a 12 hour job. How is that fair?

My tuppence worth - only have the one DD (so never had the particular stress of newborn and toddler) but for very specific reasons in our case my DH wasn't able to do a single night feed. Not once, not ever. Not his fault, just circumstance. He 'pulled his weight' in other areas eg he would cook supper every night, clean kitchen, do house admin etc so I could eat and go to bed at around 8.30. But all night feeds/wakings were me.

DD woke 3+ times a night until she was 14 months old, and at least once a night until she was almost 2, quite often she'd wake for up to 2 hours at a time. I'd have KILLED for DH to be able to do his 'share' of nights, but it wasn't possible.

So yes, I think your DH is amazing and you are very lucky, but it's whatever works for you!

I'd say he is a saint yes. On maternity leave you can stay in pjs in a sleep deprived fog, but you can't do that at work. You can also have a little lie down with the little one in the day, although I appreciate the toddler may not nap at the same time. And I would be so happy if my 6 month old slept like your 5 week old!

I am of course very jealous. My OH ha done one night since LO was born, 6 months. He just gets too tired and it's not worth it for me the next day. And this was on a day off with no plans the next day.

YANBU. He's doing his fair share.

He sounds like a kind, loving father. Is it saintly? No. But it's nice you have a loving partner - it makes so much difference.

I wonder why we have such low expectations of men too...lots are happy to do night feeds or early mornings. It's what works for the couple. Some won't cope, some women want to do it all, some have to do it all.

You can recognise he's a supportive partner, but like you said he wants to do it because he wants to spend time with his baby so he's doing it for his own needs too. He feels good about it because he likes being a caring dad and finds it fulfilling. That's lovely.

I think people either don't know or have forgotten what having a baby and a toddler is like. Relentless is the answer.

OP I would've killed for an arrangement like this when my dd2 was a baby. Hold onto it! Don't let go! And never ask openly for judgement on mumsnet! People have short memories and special drawstrings for their catsbummouths!

He sounds much like my DH in that he wants to do his equal share, although I do all the night feeds on account of having the boobs. But he often gets up once to try to settle the raging demon sweet little baby before I go in. He takes the morning shift so I can get a little more sleep, then I do the daytime while he works, he does bath,I do bed, then we can collapse together. Dinner we take in turns.

I don't think it's saintly but it is good to appreciate your partner for what they do (this should be a two way thing of course) and not to take them for granted. So I say thank you. As does he!

I don't think he's doing more than his share at all. He does the night feeds but gets an extra two hours in the morning plus the opportunity to nap at weekends - four hours last weekend you say. All sounds equal to me though I would love him to bits for saving me from the night feeds!