To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

Whatever works for you OP. Others probably say he is saintly because they don't have such an arrangement with their partners.

I'm a bit affronted on your husband's behalf to me honest! He does a lot, yet your title and subsequent post really seem like you're trying to minimise that!

The midnight feed doesn't count.

Really? Felt like it counted last night & every other night DS has been up at that time.

I don't think your do is "saintly" but I can see why your friends might refer to him like that. My ex (funny how he is an ex!!!) did nothing - changed about one nappy in the middle of the night, never got up to her crying, never got up for the day with her, so I would be up at 6.30 but he would stay in bed til last possible moment and then rush out the door with a fleeting kiss! I went back to work (shits 40+ hours) when she was 4 months and nothing changed. I also had an older child to sort out too! I just got moaned at for not keeping the house tidy enough! So you dh in comparison could be deemed a "Saint" but I think it's just that they are either end of involvement, mine did nothing and yours does loads. It's all comparative isn't it?

Bread obviously we have different experiences of doing bf night feeds, mine was that I felt ill the entire time I did them and dropped them after 6/7 months for each child, one when I stayed home, one when I went back to work. For me, they are undoubtedly the worst part of having a tiny baby (early mornings, relentnessness of it all livable with). I couldn't do my current job with night-wakings, I tried and I became very inefficient and basically dropped the ball for a couple of years, work-wise. My husband also didn't do that well at work when we were both waking up to do night feeds first time around (to create solidarity, it failed!) and it worked much better when we both slept separately and gave each other the chance to catch up through naps/rests, which sounds like what the OP is doing.

I don't think anyone (a man in particular) is heroic for doing night-time wakings, though, it seems an odd thing to say.

You know what? Your DH is lovely. I don't think he's heroic, he's doing his fair share as a dad, and getting some wonderful bonding time which so many new dads don't get. As I breast fed my DH couldn't do night feeds, but on the nights when DS wouldn't settle he'd get up and take a turn in walking up and down (and up and down and up and down.....) the room with him so that I could get some sleep. Its what dads who LIKE being dads do!

No he's not a saint but he had a four hour nap yesterday so however you dress it up so he is tired.
It's quite early days so maybe this works at the moment in which case great.

We had a system whereby my DH was in charge from 9pm feed til 1am feed (9 til 1 being very hard with a baby with colic) and I took over when he went to bed. I did assume maternity leave was for me to take most (not all!) of the baby strain. If I had been back in paid work we would have done things differently.

I think your incredibly lucky,what a wonderful husband you have ,I would of loved the help you get with my 4. They are teens now thou...I did all night feeds for all 4 kids.he was working full time.i wasn't....I didn't question it....maybe I should of....maybe what you have is normal....maybe my dh should of done more....now I come to think of it ,he could of helped at weekends or days off..he didn't and I didn't question it.....the more I'm on this site ,the more I think I'm quite repressed in the home, and what I put up with to stay in my marriage.is more than other women would..at some point when I'm strong enough to face the ones who will tear it apart I will start a thread posing that question

It sounds like your dh is always on duty though?
Nothing about an even split of duties. Except he has 2 hours to sleep guaranteed from 0600 to 0800

He come home from work and puts the toddler to bed does any evening shifts then is on night duty until 0600 then back up at 0800 to help and work.

Your baby presumably is not actually asleep from tea time until 6am with 2 wake up's every night is it?

Does that mean this isn't really a thing it is just how this week or so has panned out?

Me and DH also sleep apart, me with DD, most of the time. She has more room that way, further from milk = more sleep for me.

I'm not saying everyone can bf and work but I do think a human being can cope with broken nights and paid work, especially if that paid work is office type job which is not that full on. It may have been different for me in a different job.

I think also thinking you can cope helps. My worst days are when I think over & over that cannot do this, then I feel like I can't and have a terrible day. When I think I can, I usually can and have a much nicer day.

There are two small children and two parents, of course he's always on duty.

Being on duty is the default.

Being tired enough for a long nap is normal at this intense stage.

All engaged parents are very tired when they have a 5 week old and a toddler.

I don't think looking after children all day is the same as working in an office. The hardest thing when I went back to work was the ability to think up great ideas and concentrate and analyse. Make intelligent contributions. Answer difficult questions. Think ahead about the best way to deal with a situation rather than a sleep deprived snap. You don't need to do any of this on maternity leave/ at home with children. It's preferable to be sleep deprived at home than at work. Your children aren't going to sack you for being tired and slow.

So in summary for me I wouldn't expect a working partner to do night feeds whilst I slept- it strikes me as rather lazy tbh.

So he had a 4hour nap they have a month old baby and a toddler he is tired like most parents is it because he is the working parent he deserves preferential treatment this is the attitude the op is dealing with from real life

Your children aren't going to sack you for being tired and slow.

No, why bother making any effort to make sure your children are with someone competent to look after them safely?

It's not real work and doing it well doesn't matter.

That's why nobody exoects their nanny to come to work well rested.

Tired and slow is no more than children deserve.

Of course it's safe to drive children around in a state of exhaustion that is unacceptable for men commuting to work.

If the man didn't want to do it he wouldn't at no point has the op said he is being forced to get up he wants to get up

I wonder how long the 3am feed takes. If the baby self settles after at 5 weeks and you are good at getting back to sleep all well and good but in my experience it often took ages.

He sounds like a good dad. We have a 21mo and a 4mo and if the DS1 wakes in the night for his dummy etc DH goes in to him but DS2 is all me.

I'm more jealous of the cleaner than anything else.

Having a cleaner I mean. Not jealous of the cleaner themselves

Dh and I do night feeds together. U change nappy whilst he makes bottle. Then one of us will feed dd and the other does chores. Dh is more sleepy so often her feeds, and I do chores, like putting on laundry or e putting machine, putting clothes or airers or away, emptying dishwasher etc. It means it's all done when we get up in the morning so I can focus on having a nice time with dd rather than doing chores.

Dh does not mind at all getting up and part of that is because dd is a relatively easy baby who goes straight back to sleep afterwards so all he needs to do is sit up for 20 mins a few times a night.

He does a cerebral job and commutes down country lanes, if that matters.

Adjusting to less sleep is part and parcel of having a child. For both parents.

I EBF my DT, my DH just tells them to shut up because they are waking him up and annoying himhe doesn't help when he is home from work either. He expects me to be grateful if he changes two nappies a weekyour husband sounds great

Actually if a woman came on here and said she works FT, does all night feeds, makes sure SAHD had "me time", I'd say she was pretty saintly.

I'm Sorry doinitfine but that is just the reality.

A person on Mat leave can have a lazy day around the house or walking out with the Pram. It's mindless and doesn't take much mental energy. That's what you do if you're on mat leave and sleep deprived

And I pay a nanny to do a BETTER job than me. I'm not paying a nanny to stick on CBeebies and nap on the sofa. Which I would do in a heart beat if exhausted and the opportunity arose

He's pretty saintly. I had OCD with ds2 which was hugely exacerbated by sleep deprivation and dh didn't manage one single night feed ever. He is not ordinarily a dick but he was infuriatingly sleepy. It would have been huge for us if he could have done even a quarter of what your dh is doing.

Though yes not usually applied to women.