Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 31/05/2016 08:01

Wouldnt have worked for us, and I wouldn't have let DH do it if he was going to work, but if you are both happy doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Overrunwithlego · 31/05/2016 08:02

equimum I know lots of people who get both night feeds and 'me' time covered. I don't think I've heard of someone without a penis having this though.

PollyCoddle · 31/05/2016 08:02

I think any new parent doing the night feeds and then getting on with a full day of work could be described as heroic. That would include a SAHM with two kids at home. It's a necessary stage of babyhood, but it's a killer. Obviously it works for you, but perhaps you could split the feeds and you take one of the nightfeeds at the weekend.

RhiWrites · 31/05/2016 08:03

"And he gets loads of time to himself. Evenings, weekends. He had a four hour 'nap' yesterday afternoon as he does most weekends."

That sounds like catching up on lost sleep rather than time to himself though. I don't think he's being a saint but he does sound like a really good dad and could maybe use some personal time.

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 08:06

He's only doing one night feed per night.

The midnight feed doesn't count.

DH always did the 11pm/midnight feed and didn't consider that to be a night feed because he didn't go to bed until after it was done.

There is one night feed and a 6am wake up. They are evenly split.

scarlets · 31/05/2016 08:10

I'm all for equality and have little time for women who are domestic doormats/martyrs and then complain bitterly about their husbands, but it seems to be doing a bit more than his share and tbh I wonder how sustainable that is. However, the important thing is that the arrangement works for you as a couple.

MistressMerryWeather · 31/05/2016 08:13

If someone posted a thread saying how heroic they felt for breastfeeding twice a night then getting up for the day at 8 am they would be told in no uncertain terms to get over themselves.

If it works for you both OP, great. Next time anyone brings it up just change the subject.

JemimaPuddly · 31/05/2016 08:14

I think he's doing more than his fair share which isn't a dig at you at all as he obviously wants to do it but I would say night feeds then going to work then coming home and giving you an hour of free time seems like he is doing more than you. However he's obviously happy to do it.

Only1scoop · 31/05/2016 08:16

I think doing both night feeds is slightly harsh on him but he's obviously happy with it.

SparklesandBangs · 31/05/2016 08:18

OP your DH is not a saint he is a parent who wants to take equal responsibility for his DC, which is how it should be.

I had my DC at a time when 12 month Maternity Leave was not around, in fact I went back to work by the time my DC1 was 6 weeks old (through choice), from the day when we were discharged from hospital DH did night feeds, all of them to start with as I was unwell and we as a family decided that it was better for me to get healthy, then once I was recovered we shared them, but this was because like your DH it was a good time to bond with DC if you had been away all day. Once we were in a routine DH would do the late feed and I would do the early feed as this is how our body clocks worked and neither of us felt tired,

If you are both happy please ignore all the 'helpful' comments and carry on.

Originalfoogirl · 31/05/2016 08:19

Sounds like you married the right man.

I do get annoyed when men are considered heroes or saints for looking after their children. Yet nobody bats an eyelid when mums do it.

I think we're supposed to believe your situation is exceptional, and the relentless posts about blokes who do not do their fair share are the norm. But as someone said "dad does what he is supposed to do" is not a sexy headline. And some of the responses here are a little harsh, suggesting you need to let the poor snowflake get some rest in the mornings. 🙄

I sleep in, every weekend. Mr Foo is up at 6am anyway (whether our daughter is here or not). I have done since I stopped breastfeeding. I don't consider that to be doing anything special.

Clawdy · 31/05/2016 08:22

He may not be a "saint" but he is obviously a very hands-on dad and does far more than most of the dads I've known.

MrsJayy · 31/05/2016 08:23

He obviously wants to do the night feeds it doesn't sound like you are demanding he does them the whole oh he is a man but he does so well thing bugs me like they are the second coming or something you can't stop them saying stuff but you can just keep shrugging your shoulders and say they are his kids to. My DDS are adults dh did loads his mum and mine thought he was a saint

branofthemist · 31/05/2016 08:23

The midnight feed doesn't count.

That depends when you go to bed. I am in bed for 10. So a midnight feed would be a night feed and give me broken sleep.

BabyGanoush · 31/05/2016 08:23

Running a few few weeks postpartum? Hmm

ImogenTubbs · 31/05/2016 08:23

I have to say, I have been reading this thread wondering how I managed going back to work in a demanding job with a DD who regularly still wakes 3+ times a night. DH does his share, but by the sound of it I should be deranged by now... (perhaps I am a little)

Anyway OP, sounds like you and your DH have a good arrangement which you're both happy with. As long a you both appreciate each other, you'll be just fine.

TheWindInThePillows · 31/05/2016 08:25

I used to do the nightfeeds and go to work, then I crashed the car.

The person best suited to the nightfeeds is the person who adjusts best to the extreme tiredness and whose functioning doesn't jeopardize their job or other people the next day.

If that's your husband and he honestly doesn't feel that bad, then it makes sense for it to be him, and to get a lie in til 8 (getting up at 6 is a killer too).

My solution was to sleep train at 6 months as a matter of urgency as I really was malfunctioning quite badly, luckily my second didn't need it and just got the hang of sleeping through.

We slept separately the second time around, me with baby, him alone to minimise sleep disturbance at night so he could work better in the day, so that he could then take the children out a lot/give me long naps on the weekend.

I don't think it's a 50/50 situation, it's a whatever works for your family situation, and this sounds a good solution to me.

MrsJayy · 31/05/2016 08:26

DD used to do last feed and first feed I did nights during the week but whatever works for you and him op he likes spending time with the baby

MrsJayy · 31/05/2016 08:26

Urgh not DD obviously she didn't feed herselfGrin

Maybebabybee · 31/05/2016 08:27

I agree the midnight feed counts as a night feed.

Froginapan · 31/05/2016 08:29

Lol at him being labelled as 'heroic' at doing the night feeds.

If a woman is doing them it's 'the norm'

These are his children too.

We've still got a long way to go when it comes to stereotypes and societal attitudes towards gender roles.

Breadwidow · 31/05/2016 08:29

What he's doing us great but I wouldn't say saintly, just being a great dad. Better than average but that doesn't mean it's saintly. I say this partly as I disagree with the posters saying they couldn't function after night feeds. I went back to work when DD was 7 months. Was still bf & am of the more attachment school of parenting, no problem with others sleep training etc but it never worked with DS and I found cosleeping better way of getting more sleep so I did it with DD. Also maintaining night feeds was a price I had to pay to continue bf which was important to me. Anyway, point us I functioned at work. Some days were harder than others but overall it was fine. One or two feeds would have been a good night and I would have had enough rest. It all depends on how long the feeds are and how quickly you can return to sleep after the feed. All humans wake a couple of times a night, just normally for such a short time you don't register it.

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 08:30

If he's going to bed at 10 and getting up at 8, he's in bed for 10 hours a night which is an awful lot for an adult.

I would think most people waking at 8 would do the midnight feed before heading to bed.

fedupofpeppa · 31/05/2016 08:33

To me a midnight feed is definitely a night feed but getting up at 6 is normal. Guess it depends on your body clock. To all the people saying you wouldn't consider a women saintly for doing all the night feeds, personally I would. Well not "saintly" as that is ridiculously over the top for just doing a bit more of the crap side of parenting. I would expect a fair share of the tough bits of parenting and consider being at home with the kids as challenging as being at work albeit in very different ways. If this scenario works for the op and her dh then it's great.

emilybrontescorset · 31/05/2016 08:34

Op you seem to have a great marriage.

I agree that nobody would call a woman saintly for doing this.

I did all the feeds. I was knackered.
I remember a friend of mine saying please don't tell her husband how much work I did whilst I was decorating the house with a toddler and a baby plus working in a very demanding job too.

Good luck to you both.