To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

Don't forget that Peggy still has no reason to suppose Rob anything but an innocent victim. With the knowledge she has it would seem that Ursula and Rob are being very gracious to be prepared to let the grandmother of the woman who nearly killed Rob in an unprovoked attack sit in the living room and drink coffee. It's actually pretty bloody brave of her to go there at all.

bertrand

I think murder is very extreme

Its only a few night feeds !!!

It is teamwork

I do wish people would stop saying stuff like nap while the baby sleeps

Ds1 wouldnt sleep in the day unless he was being driven, pushed in the pram or breastfeeding (little ratbag)

I am completley unable to sleep during the day...i just cant do it

Not saying looking after a baby is hard, but babies are different...throw a few children into the mix and it gets harder

Dd used to fall asleep everywhere....including into her food, it was like a switch had been flicked. Boy would i have been smug if she had been baby number 1

Did you not get much sleep last night Bertrand?

Oops!

My OH only does night shifts when he is not working. I think that is fair, he helps when he gets in from work so I can have a bath/get dinner ready etc. Surely that is one of the reasons for being on maternity leave?

Also rightly or wrongly I like my LG being taken care of by her mummy during the night.

A few times when I have been very tired OH has offered to stay up (and insisted) but I always say no and that he needs to be fresh for work. Plus I get to look forward to when he does it at the weekend.

I personally think you should insist you do it a bit more!

What time does he get in?

RitchyBestingFace

"8 hours sleep with a burst of getting up to give a bottle is NOT 'sleep deprived' FFS."

He is not getting 8 hours sleep or anything like it.

The first feed STARTS at midnight. Feeds take about half an hour. OP said the baby "usually" goes straight back to sleep. So not always. But if it does, then the earliest he's going to bed is about 12.45am. Possibly not til 1.

He's then up again 2 hours later, to do a feed that starts at 3am and with a bit of luck will be back in bed by 3.45am. Probably not until 4 on a bad day.

Then at most, another 4 hour stretch of sleep before getting up at 8 - though chances are it's not great quality sleep from 6-8 with a toddler, a baby, and OP all up and about.

So at most it's 6 hours of sleep, with a big break in the middle, so NO deep sleep at any point, and this is every single night of the week. Followed by a drive to work, a full day's work, a drive home, then bath and bedtime for 2 kids (alone, while OP recovers from her busy day of getting pedicures).

He is NOT getting 8 hours of sleep.

Incidentally:
Not sleeping enough and not sleeping well is not OK. As a matter of fact, there is quite a price to pay. It may surprise you to learn that chronic sleep deprivation, for whatever reason, significantly affects your health, performance, safety, and pocketbook.
www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/features/important-sleep-habits

It's a manicure and blowdry today Proteus 💅🏻

**Toomany that sound intense. 3 under 3 on your own a lot and a 5am start.. X

Thanks for mumsplaining sleep deprivation to me Proteus - perhaps you missed my post where I said I worked FT while BFing two sleep averse DCs through the night. The OP's DH gets more sleep than I have done for over two years.

You seem unduly interested in the details of the OP's night time routine.

Just pointing out again the OP had a baby just over a month ago and is recovering from that.

Gosh loulou

It really is shocking to me that someone could find it such a joke that they are putting their partner through extended sleep deprivation. As the article above says, long-term sleep deprivation can wreck people's health as well as jeopardising their safety - as any of us who have actually got up in the night for our own babies know.

It's really shocking to me, as someone who loves my partner, to see someone quite happy to see their partner at risk and have their health suffer, for the sake of their own laziness and selfishness.

You can throw around as many unwarranted personal insults as you like, loulou, and keep on trying to employ these weak attempts at humour, but none of it changes the reality of the situation, which is that here is a completely unequal relationship, in which one partner is utterly exploiting the other's goodwill and doing nothing like their fair share of the work involved in keeping a household and bringing up a family.

No amount of sniping on your part changes that truth.

Apples he gets home between 4-6pm it differs day to day.

With regards to 'insisting' I do more, why? If DH is ok with it ? I 'offer' but I wouldn't insist - he's a grown man, if he says he's happy to do something then I take him at his word.

Exploiting my DH. 😂
I'm not 'putting him through' anything. He CHOOSES to do this. My poor, 40-something, professional, intelligent husband being bullied into doing night feeds..?

RitchyBestingFace
"You seem unduly interested in the details of the OP's night time routine"

Er, she started a thread on the internet, that she's now spun out to over 700 messages, to discuss her daily routine in loads of detail.

I like to check in to it once or twice a day (when I'm procrastinating) to see how this car crash of a thread is developing. There's something quite fascinating about seeing the self-congratulation and outrageous selfishness at work - it's a bit like the enjoyment of reading 'Spoilt Bastard' in Viz.

So thanks for the concern, but no need to worry about my 'undue' levels of interest as indicated by reading and posting on a thread once a day.

"Just pointing out again the OP had a baby just over a month ago and is recovering from that."

Just pointing out again that the OP's toddler is in nursery 15 hours a week, she doesn't breastfeed, and she doesn't do any bathtimes, bedtimes, night wakings, cleaning, or work outside the home. She is well enough to go jogging, and spends her days having pedicures, manicures, hairdressing appointments, and seeing her friends.

I don't really see what's so hard about 'recovering' in that situation, do you?

Did you read the information on the effects of sleep deprivation, OP ?

Why don't you try - insist on - doing all of the night feeds yourself for two weeks, and see how he feels at the end of that?

Since you didn't do any of them for your first child either...

And yes - it is perfectly possible for someone, male or female, in their 40s, with a professional job, to be bullied inside or outside the home- and there's nothing hilariously funny about it either.

Proteus you just called me selfish and lazy. If I am selfish then someone must be on the receiving end of that selfishness- who is that? Everyone in my house is happy. I think you probably are really unhappy and put upon- why else would you get so riled up about this.

The OP sounds like she has a nice life.
Her DH as far as we know is happy about that. His routine doesn't seem onerous.
You seem weirdly angry about the situation.

I'm a bully now too? Proteus. Get some help.

Ritchy I know- I don't get her anger...? This is meant to be a debate/conversation. She's called me lazy, selfish and a bully. She's gone a bit far I think.
Yes, you're right, DH is happy with the set up. I check with him daily. 🙂

Millions of Sah suffer this sleep deprivation for years but that is OK. Also working mums. So are all these partners who allow this situation bullies.

Yorkshire we clearly have a nation of selfish, lazy, bullying husbands. 😩

Think about it this way Proteus. Which is a nicer environment to return to?

A) a home where one sleep deprived person has spent all day with a toddler and newborn while trying to do cleaning, housework and cooking

B) a home where a well rested parent has had the energy to care for their newborn and toddler - who has had a few hours at pre-school to play with friends and let off steam

Also, Proteus

"And yes - it is perfectly possible for someone, male or female, in their 40s, with a professional job, to be bullied inside or outside the home- and there's nothing hilariously funny about it either."

Did you read the part where the OP says she offers to do the night feeds and he says no?

Yorkshire we clearly have a nation of selfish, lazy, bullying husbands.

I'm afraid that is more the problem than anything else.

Ritchy I think that's a contributing factor for my DH. He hates doing anything domestic so he does 0% of stuff in the house. (He'll occasionally do the ironing if the mood takes him but that's it) doing the nightfeeds gets him a free pass from doing anything else! It's a good trade off as I don't mind doing the house stuff/organising things/shopping/cooking etc. He would definitely hate to come back and have to make dinner, do anything domestic etc. I'm not totally knackered so we spend time together once the kids are asleep which is important or he'll do his hobby without having to do anything in the house.