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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
chickenstew74 · 01/06/2016 22:17

As someone who has a 21 month old (who has always woken minimum twice a night) and is now back at work 3 days a week and has done all of her night feeds I think you are pretty lucky OP. However I wouldn't go as far as saying your dh is saintly. I think you have a good balance especially as your dh is happy to do the night feeds. I wouldn't take it for granted either. [i would kill for 8 hours unbroken sleep].
I think DoingItFine expressed it well. Men do get credit for doing things that women just get on and do usually because they wouldn't get done otherwise. It gets my goat big time when people say my dh is 'babysitting' his own children if I'm not looking after them. Parenting is a joint activity and should be a shared responsibility.
I would appreciate that your husband does his share and ignore what other people say about his saintliness. They are his kids too!

NuckyT · 01/06/2016 22:31

Definitely don't agree with those who say being at home with children is harder than being at work (depends on the job of course). I found days home with DCs a breeze compared to work - for a start, it meant at least an hour longer in bed first thing, no commute, downtime to watch TV, nice walks with the DCs.

pennefabredux · 01/06/2016 23:09

You are in a lucky zone with DH. Many of us haven't had the luxury of DH to share the activities (chores, nappies, feedings). On top of that, he doesn't seem resentful or thieving it in your face. While what you have should be considered normal, frankly it isn't. Very happy for you!

pennefabredux · 01/06/2016 23:20

Throwing not thieving ... Darn auto correct.

ElasticGirl · 02/06/2016 00:06

It's much harder to do a day at home looking after two children on no sleep than a day at the office. In the office you get to sit down, and even maybe eat a sandwich in quiet reflection for a minute or two, and you don't have to wipe anyone's bottom, probably. As a mum who did all the night feeds for two children, and as the one who still does most of the getting up in the night to deal with wet beds or bad dreams, and then goes to work, I have thoroughly researched both scenarios! DH does do all the cooking and washing up, so I'm sure must be useful in some ways. Actually I remember he does go to work very early at 5am though, knew there was something. Anyway, whatever works for you and feels fair to you both. The balance of a relationship is a tricky thing that no one on the outside has probably got a clue about.

RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 00:17

This is genuinely one of the most batshit threads I have ever read.

YANBU OP. Your baby is 5 weeks old FFS and you're being shouted at for being lazy? Fuck that.

I worked FT while BFing DC who were both poor sleepers and cluster feeders. Got promoted both times on 5 hours interrupted sleep a night. I await the call from the pope.

captainproton · 02/06/2016 06:13

You lead a charmed life OP. I've got 3 under 4 and DH does what he can but works up London so is gone 12+ hours. He couldn't function on little sleep so will do night shifts if I'm on the verge of hallucinating due to sleep deprivation. Personally I exist on Pepsi max/caffeine which I call "sleep in a can".

Cantstopeatingchocolate · 02/06/2016 07:55

Your family........your dynamic.
Carry on doing what works. I don't think he's saintly, I think he pulls his weight....clearly more than your friends husbands. Embrace it, reply with 'you know what, you're right. I have an excellent husband. Why can't yours do more for you!!'

My DH did the 2am night feed. I did 10pm and got up at 6 (yup I had a 4 hourly feeder, yay us)
But Dh went to bed at 8pm so he had at least 6 hours sleep before he had to get up. I stayed up with DS until he fell asleep normally around 11pm to midnight. I was breast feeding so still had to wake at 2am to express but 15 mins of pumping then back to sleep. And yes I slept with the baby during the day but that just keeps you from going on a murderous spree due to broken/little sleep.
DH can literally be asleep in less than 2 minutes of coming back to bed (EVERY single time)
It will take me at least an hour, more if it's been one of those 'jump out of bed, heart beating out if your chest' type of wake ups. So DH does most of the bed wetting and bad dreams......not that he actually hears anything. I give him a few nudges until he gets up then I roll over and go back to sleep.
Is he a saint???? Not a bloody hope, but he's a good 'un.

christinarossetti · 02/06/2016 07:58

I don't get the focus on the dangers of driving to work if sleep deprived.

Is driving in a quiet car more dangerous than driving with screaming children/babies in the back?

Of course, no-one should drive if they're excessively tired, but MN seems to perceive a particular danger in men driving after doing night feeds, which is rarely if ever applied to women doing the same.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 02/06/2016 08:12

Incidentally I was severely disabled for a while after my baby was born and so many people told my husband was a saint for 'sticking around' because many men would 'run a mile'.

No words.

BillSykesDog · 02/06/2016 08:20

I think the point is that a lot of people have to drive to work. Unless you live in a very rural area or have triplets driving can normally be avoided for SAHPs.

honeylulu · 02/06/2016 08:21

I commented on the driving thing earlier (in that I would not want my other half to be driving to/from work when very tired).
I completely agree that it is inadvisable / unsafe for a very tired SAHP to drive.

My own circumstances were that while I was on ML I did not drive at all when exhausted from lack of sleep. I didn't trust myself to make safe judgements. If I needed to go into town or to GP/baby clinic I walked with the sling or pushchair. School runs done on foot.
Meanwhile my husband had a 40 min motorway journey each way to work. Public transport not an option so he had no choice.
Other families will have different set ups/commutes and can adjust their drive/sleep arrangements accordingly. (I am lucky to live fairly centrally in a big town where school/GP is 5 mins away - it would be very different in the back of beyond.) But often the SAHP doesn't actually NEED to drive and the WOHP does.

Yorkshiregrey77 · 02/06/2016 08:27

Yes. I hate that driving one. I came on here to complain that dh didn't even get up when I had to deal with a vomiting incident with Dd2 when Dd3 was a newborn and breastfeeding. Well in fact apart from a short period with a newborn and toddler I have done all night wakings.
I was apparently unreasonable to expect dh to get up as he had a long commute even occasionally because he would crash the car and kill himself. Yet as a day I could suck up years of sleep deprivation. Because I can sleep when baby sleeps right and veg around all day. Well I still had 2 older kids to get to school.

Brandonstarkflakes · 02/06/2016 08:32

It's much harder to do a day at home looking after two children on no sleep than a day at the office. In the office you get to sit down, and even maybe eat a sandwich in quiet reflection for a minute or two, and you don't have to wipe anyone's bottom, probably.

Youre also accountable to someone who in all likelihood, doesnt give a shiny shite if you have been up half the night with a baby.

Yorkshiregrey77 · 02/06/2016 08:33

Sah not day

Yorkshiregrey77 · 02/06/2016 08:36

Even during that period he only got up for Dd1. A very rare occurrence as she was a great sleeper unlike Dd3 who had always been my responsibility.

BertrandRussell · 02/06/2016 08:36

"It's much harder to do a day at home looking after two children on no sleep than a day at the office. In the office you get to sit down, and even maybe eat a sandwich in quiet reflection for a minute or two, and you don't have to wipe anyone's bottom, probably."

Well it is, if you can bribe your boss or your customers with a Disney film or two and doze on the sofa while you watch it. Or take them round to someone else's office and let the bosses and customers play while you have a cup of coffee. Or if you all cuddle up in bed for an afternoon nap.........

Yorkshiregrey77 · 02/06/2016 08:37

Not sure the school gives a shiny suit either when you are late to pick your kids up when nod off with baby.

NuckyT · 02/06/2016 08:41

I completely agree that it is inadvisable / unsafe for a very tired SAHP to drive.

I have roughly one hour's commute each way to work, and certainly some days I would have a lot of 'long blinks' while driving. Usually one night's broken sleep you could shrug off, but not several in a row.

I don't get the focus on the dangers of driving to work if sleep deprived.

A quarter of all crashes on British main roads causing death or serious injury are tiredness-related - DfT

Toomanymarsbars · 02/06/2016 08:44

"Definitely don't agree with those who say being at home with children is harder than being at work (depends on the job of course)" -

Why do people not consider it depends on the child too? Not everyone has super easy to care for kids you know.

OP, I think you're super lucky to have a DH that does so much for you whilst he's working full time, if that arrangement works for you two and you're both happy with it all the more power to you :)
My husband is abroad a lot, I have three under three and average 5 hours broken sleep a night (6 broken when he's home), as the toddler still wakes at least once a night usually twice, plus the times the 10 week old wakes etc, and the toddler is up from about 5am every single goddamn morning lol, so yeah, you are blessed! Enjoy it, I would :D x

Yorkshiregrey77 · 02/06/2016 08:47

Would be interesting to know how many of those crashes were saintly men getting up for their babies or females who just have to suck it up whether woh or Sah.

RitchyBestingFace · 02/06/2016 08:49

A quarter of all crashes on British main roads causing death or serious injury are tiredness-related - DfT

Are these more likely to be:
a) long distance drivers coming to the end of a 12 hour shift.
b) short distance commuters who've had 8 hours sleep with a small interruption to feed a baby?

8 hours sleep with a burst of getting up to give a bottle is NOT 'sleep deprived' FFS.

Yorkshiregrey77 · 02/06/2016 08:53

Absolutely ritchy

BertrandRussell · 02/06/2016 08:54

I still don't understand why people can't just think of family life -childcare, making money, cooking, cleaning - as teamwork. The person who makes the money couldn't do it without the person doing the childcare-and vice versa.

Yorkshiregrey77 · 02/06/2016 08:55

Or a man getting up to support your wife who is dealing with a baby and a vomiting child.

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