To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

I'd rather do an office job than care of a baby and toddler on no sleep! It's working for you- you don't need our approval either way!

Whatever you say, the point I'm making is you responded to a post where I quoted someone else. AND you said I said things that I didn't. Ridiculous.

I've breastfed all my kids. So night feeds are all me. But DH does get up if needed...like if my toddler wakes up whilst I'm feeding baby. He works full time and is doing a PhD. I do all the shopping and cooking, we share doing the washing (whomever said its not an everyday thing hasn't a large family - our machine is on at least twice a day), and shopping is more than once a week too. I'm getting ready to go back to work (and was doing night feeds and working before). I also just finished my MSc. My husband does majority of tidying, I do majority of cleaning - he does the washing up. It works for us. In a way going back to work is a bit easier than dealing with very small children and toddlers who you have to be on the ball the whole time with.

I do find it funny how we say it's not fair for him to do night feeds and work but if a woman said they did that most of us wouldn't bat an eyelid. If he is happy and wants to it just makes him a loving parent, not a saint.

Just make sure you get him to go have time out away from work, you and the family. X

It's pointless debating with someone so utterly self absorbed that every opinion not identical to her own must be loony/bitter/angry/jealous.

It's great that you're having it easy op, really lovely. But I think the point people are trying to make is that a life shouldn't be lovely at the expense of someone else's. Equal loveliness!

I think you're really lucky, but he's not a saint, he's just much better than most men because most of them are shit (imo)

My ex partner did none of the night feeds ever, not even at weekends. Never wanted to give DS a bath when he got home because he was 'too tired' from his 9-5 low level admin job and when I left him when DS was 8 months old he demanded I pay him over £2k to compensate for the rent he had paid whilst I was on maternity leave. Even though I paid all the bills, literally everything else I paid for.

So he may not be a saint but he's doing more than most & you should feel lucky to have him x

Yes he's pretty special. I'd hang on to that one!

Hmmm...Some posts on here have been enlightening- op I don't think you have helped yourself with the way you have worded your post. As another poster put it your DH does the bedtime routine after work - agree this is not anything saintly. Also if he's a night owl then him being up at midnight to do a feed also not a big deal.
The 2 bits I struggle with are the 3am feed (seriously - bonding time? At 3am?) but perhaps if your DH simply isn't a big sleeper it doesn't affect him so much - if coupled with a job where he doesn't have that much stress or have to concentrate that much (you said something along those lines earlier) then I guess not a big deal. Very very hard for me to imagine this though as I can't get my head around someone not being affected by broken sleep. But again depends what his day job requires of him.
The second bit is he is doing his bit to give you 'you time' daily, I can't see where he gets any 'me time' daily. Honestly it sounds hellish to me to be out at work, do bedtime then be 'on call' at night. So for me if I was in your situation I would feel like I had married a saint. And not because he's a man. Any man or woman who did that for me in the post partum period would be a saint.

It's pointless debating with someone so utterly self absorbed that every opinion not identical to her own must be loony/bitter/angry/jealous.

That's such a misrepresentation of the OP's posts that it's quite funny.

sapphire are you OP's husband?

Illstart DH puts toddler to bed so he can spend a bit of time with him in the evening seeing as though they haven't seen each other since breakfast. You're right though I don't think the 3am Feed qualifies as bonding time as its a dream feed. Baby Goes straight back to sleep most nights. With regards to DH time to himself-Every evening from 7pm, weekends if he wants it. He does lots on his own. He's never needed much sleep. Usually stays up to midnight/1am anyway

See that sounds much more reasonable. (Minus the 3am bit which I guess is maybe something that suits him but would knock me right out). Sounds like actually your dh's preferred diurnal rhythm works well with fitting into what you need.

Yep, sorry, that seems pretty saintly to me! I breastfeed my baby (first one, five months old) so it's always me up during the night whilst my partner snores away next to me. Even when she was a newborn he told me I was to stop waking him up when she woke up to change her bum, because there's "no point us both being awake". I work from home too, look after the baby all day and work when he gets home in the evening, as well as doing all the housework so sorry, he seems saintly to me! But you've obviously got something that works well for you, I'm guessing there's a lot of women out there who would like a partner like yours!

Why look a gift horse in the mouth eh OP?

Saintly maybe not but I would have loved some help with the night feeds.my ex did maybe 2 in the year between dd being born and us splitting up. He didn't work. These two facts are not irrelevant to why we split

I have to say I did the night feed and I actually enjoyed it just me and my DS. I feel it's just what I consider doing my small bit of our childcare. As was the mid afternoon 3 hour walk when I was finished work (my shift was 7-3 at the time. I don't feel I was being a Saint and I do believe it has given me a stronger bond.

Lots been said already but I wonder if your DH did this in his first relationship?

Also, to those adding up the hours of sleep, I would say that not all hours of sleep are equal. Uninterrupted sleep is vastly more restorative than the same time taken in bursts.

Getting up to feed a baby can be a massive interruption. Before I had my son I thought it sounded bad but I hadn't even factored in nappy change, making bottle, cooling bottle (as per new guidelines) AND breast feeding (low milk supply) then winding then cleaning up as my son would regurgitate sometimes soaking himself and needing a clothes change, then rocking and comforting for however long it took to get him back to sleep. Often by the time I had done this, it was time for the next feed. Maybe your children are easier but none the less I think your DH puts the D in DH.

The way I saw it was that DH job keeps a roof over our heads. If his sleep is disturbed regularly it would impact on him at work and he could lose his job which would obvs impact us all dramatically. So I did all night waking for 12 months. Now I am back at work we split the week.

I'd say you're very lucky. I breast fed my 3 so obviously I did the feeds. But my OH works 7 days a week and didn't want to miss out on sleep. So I moved into babies room for 6 months so as not to disturb him. I did this with all 3. I felt as OH works hard that he needed rest.
I often envy the "modern man" that wants to get stuck in. Mine is a bit old school and has only changed a couple of nappies. But I was happy with that. They are all way past that stage now.

It obviously works for you but I would also call him a saint doing all the feeds as you do none. My partner never did any night feeds as he was working and commuting, out really early. He helped in the evenings getting baby to bed and when he was fussy which I was glad of. He wouldn't have coped with nights though so you are lucky.

I got dh to get the baby and bring him to the bed so i could breastfeed

Sounds like a sensible arrangement that works for you both. You DH is engaged and responsible. He is an active parent who does a good amount of active parenting whilst in the home. Given that equal parenting remains quite uncommon, I can see why your arrangements might excite comment.

Had I had that arrangement when my DD was a newborn I would have been very appreciative. Well, to be perfectly honest, anyone who provided me with the means of getting even one night of unbroken sleep in those hideous first weeks would have been nominated for canonisation. I think it is right to recognise that your circumstances are better than they are for many others (a full night's sleep? A cleaner? A bloody pedicure! ) but your DH is not a saint and you do not need to venerate him as such.

Is your husband ok with this arrangement? If so then it's ok.

I have a toddler and am also on mate age with my 2nd. I do the night feeds as I feel it's unfair to ask my husband to do them while he's working full time and I'm at home. Baby is also breastfed so it is more difficult for him to do them......

We share all other responsibilities though; nursery runs, bath time, bed time etc

In regard to the broken/unbroken sleep issue, I would say that I would much, much rather have broken sleep and get up at 8am than be up at 6am with a baby and toddler.

I function perfectly well on broken or very little sleep (though a 4 hour catch up nap at the weekend would go down quite well as well...). Maybe op's DH is the same?

No my husband did the same for me most nights. I was on leave but was not able to sleep in the day and if I got up for a night feed I'd stay awake all night unable to get back to sleep at all. It was only ONE night feed though, not two.

I think he knew I was dangerously tired and he saw it as no big deal to do a feed and then go straight back to sleep.

I just felt he was doing his fair share not worthy of a medal or knighthood..? I was stuck with the baby all day which I found exhausting and not particularly enjoyable in the early days. I worked all day at home and stayed up late for the last feed while he slept so it seemed horses for courses to us.

I don't believe babies need night feeds after 3 months so we knocked it on the head then and she slept through after that so it was also for a short period.

What other people think of your arrangement doesn't matter!

much, much rather have broken sleep and get up at 8am than be up at 6am with a baby and toddler

Totally agree with this. Me too. Can't understand why so many posters can't see that different people have different sleep needs/preferences.