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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
Craigie · 01/06/2016 16:36

No, YANBU. He gets to sleep until 8am, doesn't go to work until 9am, and is back for bedtime! If you're both ending up with roughly the same amount of sleep, then what's the problem?

Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 16:39

Yes blackvelvet baby is 100 % formula fed and I agree,it seems our routine is not that common

OP posts:
Captainladder · 01/06/2016 16:44

You are lucky, but I wouldnt go so far as to say he's a saint! If he's happy to do the night feeds thats fab. Sounds like you've got it worked out between you as to what works, and surely thats whats important in the end?

SloppyDailyMailJournalism · 01/06/2016 16:49

It's nobody's business but yours.

but yes, your DH is a saint! All the night feeds Shock

MyMurphy · 01/06/2016 16:53

This is a very odd thread? What a strange question for OP to ask? (wanders off to find something interesting to do Smile

MilkRunningOutAgain · 01/06/2016 17:04

DH was keen to help when PFB was born and did lots of night feeds. He then fell asleep at the wheel driving to work and drove into a tree... Fortunately he was not badly hurt. I took over night feeds after that. But DH leaves home at 6:30 and gets home at 8. Looks like the OPs husband has much more time at home but I do think full time work and night feeds is saintly. Both mine were sleeping through reliably before I went back to work.

Katakus · 01/06/2016 17:26

Sounds a really lovely man. Appreciate him as not many men help out like that. Sad but true.

sleepyhippo · 01/06/2016 17:34

He's not a saint no.... But he is doing more than his fair share, you are very lucky Smile

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 17:51

Querty, no, I haven't taken a dislike to you. I just disagree with and have responded to some of your posts. I'm glad you've reported me if it was bothering you. We'll see what happens.

enter, 'your laziness' is really rude. Luckily the OP doesn't seem that bothered. Laurie, I like your characterisation of the OP's attitude as 'robust'. Good choice of word!

scattychicken · 01/06/2016 17:57

I think it's quite decent of him. I don't think it's common. I always did feeds because DH has no tits, but help during the night was not an option. We put his need for sleep as really important because he wouldn't have been able to do his job otherwise. So yes, your DH is pretty awesome.

queenofthemountains · 01/06/2016 18:00

Yanbu, my husband did virtually all of the night feeds, bathed and put them to bed so I could have an hour without them.

He also worked and was out 7 till 7, he has never needed much sleep though and can live on 4-5 hours broken sleep, he puts it down to years of training being a roadie, sleeping when you can.

He always thought that being at home was harder for me than him sitting at a desk all day.

He was just doing what he thought a father should.

HappyNevertheless · 01/06/2016 18:00

To the people who are saying he is doing more than his share

What would be a fair share? Is it 50/50 of the care overall, 50% of the care when the father is at home or 50% of the care when he isn't working?
Does 'doing yur fair share' mean doing at least half of the night wakings?

Is a woman is doing all the night feeds, is she doing her fair share because she is on ML?
If not, does it means that most fathers aren't doing their fair share?

Or is that working out of home is considered much harder than looking after two dcs or maybe more important therefore iut's 'normal' for fathers to do very little?

OP our way to do things was in essence very similar to you. I don't think DH ever thought he was a Saint. One anyone dare saying that either TBH.

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 18:00

Most men are lazy bastards and your DH is nothing special.

There, is that the response you.were hoping for on this thread?

gingerparkin · 01/06/2016 18:04

If it is an arrangement where everyone's needs are met and it works then it's fine. I suppose I would say that it is easy to assume an office job is not hard work. It's the not the same as the relentless of being at home with small children but it is still as hard work sometimes, just in a different way, and if he was struggling to perform his job properly, in a way that might affect how he is judged on performing his role, it might be worth a rethink. I work full time in an office and have two children. Being sleep deprived and then dealing with pressures of work, bosses and being on your top game can be challenging. Like all things, it should be equally shared.

chocolateee · 01/06/2016 18:05

My DH went back to work the day I came out of hospital after a C Section - then went off on location ( cameraman ) for 2 whole weeks. He's in the unsaintly category but then that was back in the days before paternity leave and anyway he was freelance so paternity leave didn't and still doesn't exist for self - employed. Having said that I feel your pain that he gets to 'escape' but of the boot were on the other foot would you really want to do the night feeds then sit at a desk all day ?
When I did go back to work , I'd get home at 6pm and then my night shift would begin as DH was usually working evenings in the studio.
I think childcare in the early baby stages is an eye opener whatever way the cookie crumbles but If I were you I'd be grateful that he's participating at all !

Greenyogagirl · 01/06/2016 18:05

Fair share to me is if one goes to work full time the other does the cleaning/cooking/looking after the kids etc because you work 9-5 in a job but at home you can have a day in your pjs playing Lego or whatever it's hardly the same.

If both work full time, chores and childcare should be split pretty much 50/50

One full time worker and one part time worker the part timer does more in the house.

Comes across dh works full time, does night feeds and put children to bed etc

op cooks.

The washing/ironing/shopping etc isn't an everyday thing and tbh isn't that hard or time consuming.
So I think dh does more than his share but if he's happy and op is happy that's their business but if you ask a question you'll get lots of answers.

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 18:08

Sapphire the only post of mine you originally responded to was one where I was agreeing with someone else.

Why don't you equally have a dig at the person who actually said it in the first place?

Charell20 · 01/06/2016 18:10

That is pretty saintly in my opinion, my DH managed about two weeks of every other feed at night!!

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 18:11

And sapphire there are posters on here that have been a lot more opinionated than me but you seem to have singled me out to be nasty to becasue you think I will roll over and take it. Well no.

AldrinJustice · 01/06/2016 18:12

I think the norm is that men don't generally do what your DH is doing so that's when ordinary becomes extraordinary. If men doing that much or more was the norm then no he wouldn't be a saint, it's all relative I'm afraid...you're lucky in the sense that you have someone who does his part, but I think I see what you mean about being told you should be grateful. Just smile and nod Wink

Beeziekn33ze · 01/06/2016 18:13

Your business, your and DH's good relationship! 😉

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 18:20

Querty, I've 'had a go at', as you put it (I think 'responded to' is more accurate) posters other than you.

you seem to have singled me out to be nasty to becasue you think I will roll over and take it

I don't get AT ALL where you're coming from on this. Again, I've responded to many posters on here, positively and negatively.

As for thinking that you'll roll over and take it, well, no. I've been happy to respond to you every time you've come back with a response to a post of mine. I suggested you report me if you felt I was bullying you.

I'm done now though.

midlifehope · 01/06/2016 18:20

yes YABU - he is a saint and I know cos I have worked whilst doing night feeds. It's a killer. He also puts them to bed!! You could feasibly nap / dose / vegetate a bit in the day - he can't. What's your formula - dp does naff all.

HiddlestonTurnerSandwich · 01/06/2016 18:21

Pleased it works for you and it is your business....(but spare a thought for us mums whose kids constantly woke in the night for years, whose DHs never got up once, never bathed or put kids to bed, even at weekends, never cooked, and changed nappies about 3 times ever).

milkfairy · 01/06/2016 18:24

I breastfed all 3 of my now grown up children ( I am old school if not ancient history). All night feeds done by me.
In any long term relationship there is a period of when one partner carries the load more than the other.
4 years ago I was diagnosed with a life changing illness. My DH without question took over every aspect of caring for the children and running the household.