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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 15:11

Brandon sorry for the caps. I was asking for others' opinions on whether or not what DH does is so unusual. You asked why don't I 'step up 'and do a nightfeed which is nothing to do with my op. 'Stepping up' insinuates that I'm not doing something that I should be doing.

OP posts:
mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 15:12

To your title AIBU?

No YANBU.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 15:13

What about my attitude is shitty?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 15:16

Last post was meant for Brandon. And Brandon, why would a complete stranger's attitude annoy people? If people get annoyed by words on a screen by someone they don't know and will never know then they have bigger issues than whether my DH should be canonised

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 01/06/2016 15:18

I think it's a great thread to have started. V enlightening on how women see their roles. Depressing in many instances, but enlightening.

Not seeing anything shitty about OP's attitude. Robust, yes - and I applaud that.

Lweji · 01/06/2016 15:19

Robust, yes - and I applaud that.
yup

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 15:20

The way that you are not listening to anyone who disagrees with you, and in fact writing some of them off as 'angry loons' even apparently getting your DH in on the name calling as well.

Plus the complete lack of acknowledgement that actually it's not a bad deal for either parent to get a full night's sleep every night with a newborn.

But, as i said, I dont feel like either side will onvicneconvince the other on this one.

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 15:23

Last post was meant for Brandon. And Brandon, why would a complete stranger's attitude annoy people? If people get annoyed by words on a screen by someone they don't know and will never know then they have bigger issues than whether my DH should be canonised

So if you hold no truck with 'words on a screen' from strangers then why did you post on an internet forum? And one that is known for a good bun fight at that?

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 15:24

Robust, yes - and I applaud that.

Grin
Lweji · 01/06/2016 15:34

The way that you are not listening to anyone who disagrees with you

You actually mean that you think that just because you and a few other people have disagreed, that the OP should automatically change her mind?
She's listening, just not being convinced.

Katherine2626 · 01/06/2016 15:42

Oh for a DH like yours! Mine did NOTHING - night feeds and every other feed, weekends included, were all mine, as was laundry, cooking, you name it. Silly, silly me I suppose, but selfish selfish DH. One night feed each sounds fairer - this man must be absolutely shattered! Also, if you feel like dropping with exhaustion during the day you can at least make a coffee and sit down, albeit holding the baby, for fifteen minutes. If he is at a meeting or whatever he might do attempting to keep his career going, he can't put his head down on the desk and nod off. He sounds like a gem to me.

HisNameWasPrinceAndHeWasFunky · 01/06/2016 15:45

I did every single night feed with my 2 DC - am I heroic?

Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 15:45

Brandon when it comes to words on a screen: reading and enjoying the debate is one thing, getting annoyed is just silly. With regards to the name calling it was immature on my part - I was responding to one or two posters who had called me names. Stupid of me.

OP posts:
houseeveryweekend · 01/06/2016 15:50

its so difficult isnt it! I have to stop myself from thanking my DP everytime he does something for the baby. I mean theres obv context where you would thank someone like if i was doing something and he came and helped. But to thank him everytime he gives the baby a bath or gets him up....? i want to be nice but also i dont want to give him and my son the impression that it is my duty to these things really and the man is only helping out when he does these things.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 15:56

Thing is Brandon, I am listening, I'm just not agreeing. I think that the angry posters are annoyed that I have a relatively easy life and I'm not ashamed of it? A few seem to really hate the fact that I have cleaners too which seems to be a sour point on here.

OP posts:
Pedestriana · 01/06/2016 16:01

I think that's fair. Dh helped out with night feeds too - even if it was just getting DD out of her cot and bringing her to me to bf; I'd had an EMCS so wasn't as mobile as I'd have liked, initially. If I was absolutely exhausted then he'd do a ff for me and DD would get 'topped up' on the next feed, a few hours later.

enterYourPassword · 01/06/2016 16:08

loulou

The person who keeps mentioning the cleaner is you.

It's your laziness compared to your husbands and the fact you think he's only pulling his weight is the frustrating / annoying part.

DH and I have a full time cleaner and nanny so I'm all for an easy life. The difference is I appreciate the things done for me by staff of husband.

Lweji · 01/06/2016 16:12

There is a difference between appreciating and considering him saintly.
I don't see that the OP doesn't appreciate him. And I'm sure he appreciates what she does too.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 16:13

Again, enter why would this frustrate you? And actually On this thread I've been called lazy for having cleaners, accused of exploiting my DH because an angry poster mistakenly thought he paid and the last one said I 'sit on my Arse while someone picks up after me' so it clearly is an issue for people posting on here. Don't know why.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 16:14

And enter, what evidence do you have that I'm lazy?

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 16:15

Grin at 'staff'

OP posts:
Yorkshiregrey77 · 01/06/2016 16:16

Done for you enter Don't you mean done for your family.

SueTrinder · 01/06/2016 16:19

I would say if it works for both of you and you continue to be considerate of each others feelings then it's fine. It's not like this is your first child so you've been through this before, and with a toddler I bet you don't get much of a break during the day.

I did all the night feedings for all 3 of mine because they were BF. Am I a saint? And that continued after I went back to work (DD2 started reverse cycling and so increased her number of night feeds when I went back to work, she refused bottles of EBM at nursery). Some of us can cope with disturbed nights better than others and I think being at home with the kids is much harder work than an office based job (I didn't cope well with maternity leave).

BlackVelvet1 · 01/06/2016 16:25

I would say if you are formula feeding and not doing night feeds and having cleaners, it seems you could do a bit more. But it sounds like DH is happy to do what he does as it's bonding time. He is not saintly but he sounds like a wonderful father and husband. It's not that common IMO.

AllTheUsernamesAreTaken3 · 01/06/2016 16:33

My husband did one of the two night feeds and even I thought it was pretty heroic. He also used to get up early on either Sat or Sun with the kids and take them out of the house so I could lie in until 10.00.
That however is all he did, or does.
Everyone has their own normal.