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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
Yorkshiregrey77 · 01/06/2016 13:04

Op does have a preschooler too. Nursery is not full time. Even my dh who is pretty crap helping dealt with Dd1 night waking when I had a newborn too. OK he got up maybe 4 or 5 times but even he accepted having 2 young children was tough

RufusTheReindeer · 01/06/2016 13:04

lou

My husband sounds very similar to yours

Wait a minute Hmm

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 13:05

a great partner who does far more than his fair share

No, he just does HIS FAIR SHARE. It's the regrettable fact that so many fathers still don't that distorts how people are seeing him.

rubbing the last bit of salt into the wound. What a nasty thing to do.
What the actual...?

Onthecouch1 · 01/06/2016 13:05

Full time job and night feeds is pretty brilliant of him. Not read all the thread but I think it's a lovely arrangement and if he's happy doing it everyones a winner.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 13:05

Querty I'm enjoying the debate on here. It's always interesting to hear other people's opinions. Apart from one or two loons it's been enjoyable.

OP posts:
mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 13:05

If for instance you had a nanny, a housekeeper and a driver and they did all the work with the house and kids, and your husband worked, and you had your free time and you went on your runs or whatever that would be fine.

You'd be entitled to not be grateful because those people are expected to do that because they're employed to do it.

Your DH shouldn't be expected to do it ALL without thanks because he's only one half of the partnership.

If he WANTS to do it all, which you say he does, then that's fine. But I think the very LEAST you should do is be thankful and grateful that he does it so you can 'have it easy'

Yorkshiregrey77 · 01/06/2016 13:05

That is for or 5 times in 13 years. But I am a sahp

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 13:06

If he's genuinely happy then fine. He's probably also a doormat, but a happy one.

That's so passive-aggressive I actually have to applaud it.

mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 13:07

How is it passive aggressive?

If her DH was a woman everyone would be saying she was poor and unfortunate to have such a selfish shit for a husband....

Doormat.

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 13:08

Yeah I understand that Lou. It's just nice to consider other people points of view as far as saying you're not 'grateful' it's a pretty big statement. There's men and women on mumsnet who have been left by their partners/ partners are deceased things like that. So really it should be a matter of being grateful for what you have in general. And your husband is obviously a good man. You are lucky.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 13:08

Sapphire I agree. 'Man does loads of childcare and works so he's a doormat' or just full of energy and a great dad and husband

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 01/06/2016 13:09

She's sneering at him? WTF? No she's not. She's saying that calling him 'saintly' for looking after his child is a wee bit OTT.

I did all the night feeds (and got the early morning lie-ins). It didn't make me a saint, and I'd have been a bit Hmm if people told my DH he was 'sneering' at me.

mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 13:09

It's just alien to me to not be grateful for shit like this.

I'm honestly intrigued

Like when he makes you a cup of tea do you say thank you?

Or does he say thank you when you make dinner?

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 13:09

Lou out of interest would it hurt your feelings if your dh said he wasn't grateful for things you do?

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 13:10

He's probably also a doormat, but a happy one

'Well, he's being subjugated/taken for granted/abused, but if you're happy oh well, fine then.'

Total passive-aggression.

mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 13:10

lou if it was the other way round I'd think you were a doormat too if it makes an difference

I don't feel sorry for him because he's a man....

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 13:10

I think I would be quite upset Sad

Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 13:12

Query yes I do consider myself lucky to have him but I thought that before we had kids too. I'm lucky because he's a great person who makes me happy not because he does nightfeeds that he insists on doing because he likes doing them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 01/06/2016 13:13

So I'm a selfish shit now am I mummy? Classy.

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/06/2016 13:13

And plenty of playing with your enchanting children

Oh, the ultimate joy.

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 13:14

loulou why are you shutting down people who are calling you out by calling them 'nutters', 'angry' and 'loons' when they have been nothing of the sort?
People have told you exactly what they think is wrong with your attitude and you don't seem to be taking any of if on board, instead just telling them to 'calm down' (again a shut down tactic that men always, quite rightly, get berated for using, but apparently for you is fine to do).

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 13:15

I guess if he insists then fair enough. Just remember you have come into mumsnet where I'm sure you know, particularly in AIBU people are going to tell it like it is... And the things you have said about your dh will quite obviously stir up opinions.

That's a nice thing to say about him. Smile

mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 13:15

......yes.

Calling me 'classy' isn't going to change my opinion of your situation.

If anything it makes me think you're even worse than I did before.

ProteusRising · 01/06/2016 13:15

mummy I agree with you entirely, but you are not getting through to the OP and nor are any of the other posters making the same points.

Loulou I'm glad that you were able to enlist your husband in your misdirected attempts to use personal insults ("nutter", "lunatic", "loon" - uh huh) against some internet random. I would report your posts if I was bothered, but I think it's better to leave them to speak for themselves.

Sapphire "No, he just does HIS FAIR SHARE. It's the regrettable fact that so many fathers still don't that distorts how people are seeing him."

You think that one partner doing a full-time job outside of the home, two kids' bedtime and bathtime, and all the night feeds (x2, 7 days a week) while someone else is paid to do the cleaning - meanwhile the other partner is on parental leave and sleeps through the night 7 days a week plus has an hour off by themselves every night - is a fair division of labour?

Imagine if that was applied to any workplace. It's a joke.

mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 13:17

I know proteus

I am not sure why op has posted on AIBU because she is only interested in the opinions of people who think that she isn't

Odd place to ask a question you don't want honest answers to if you ask me....