To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

when he gets back allows the OP to have some 'time to herself

"Allows"?

He bloody well should. At least he's got lunch hour at work. The OP is on call the entire day.

She's looking after their other child, not 'getting a break'.

It's still 'a break' from 2 though, however little easier it is, its still easier. Its still something that she benefits from in a way that he doesn't, what with him not being there and all.

We also have a cleaner, paid for by me, so he doesn't have to do much in the way of house work and I pay for our toddler to go to nursery a couple of days a week.

Erm...
paid for by us (family money)
we pay for our toddler (still family money)

BTW, when I was on maternity leave, exH was also at home.
It still wasn't a holiday, with a baby all day.

I don't really understand the insistence that one person out of the couple is paying for nursery/cleaner. So many threads on here insist the opposite: that it's family money; which is how the OP's set-up seems to operate.

So I find that element of your 'reverse AIBU' argument rather weak.

Also, the OP makes very clear WHY her DH does the night feeds and that he has been asked if it suits him and is adamant that it does; this is absent from your hypothetical reverse.

So, again, not a very strong point.

You don't mirror in your reverse that the OP makes dinner before she has her time to herself.

It's not a persuasive argument IMO, Brandon.

Wow op makes dinner.......

And so she bloody well should!!

Sorry it's not like she's doing much else!

At least he's got lunch hour at work. The OP is on call the entire day.

Right, so because he gets a lunch hour at work, he is less deserving of any time to himself at home? How petty! How do you know what he does in his lunch hour anyway, maybe he is working? I would assume so actually seeing as he apparently doesn't leave for work until 9 but is back home in time to do the kods bedtime?

"And so did I.., except I do 95% of the night feeds.. And I don't have a cleaner!! Oh and I very very VERY rarely get time to myself.

Oh and I'm grateful for the 5% of night feeds my partner does"

Serious question, mummytohp - why do you think this ok? You must be knackered. Don't you think you deserve better than that?

Nobody said he isn't deserving of time for himself at home.
I just said the OP is.

Sorry it's not like she's doing much else!
FFS!

You don't mirror in your reverse that the OP makes dinner before she has her time to herself.

She makes dinner?

Well that changes the entire tone of my reverse AIBU, then, apologies.....

bestrong

No not really... My partner works full time at a very demanding job. He drives a lot and I would worry about him being tired.

When he is at home he runs round after us like there is no tomorrow. I can drive but don't have a car (can't drive his as company vehicle) so he gets sent left right and centre doing errands going to the shops etc etc etc

I would be a bit of a bitch if after a 10/11 hour day driving and several 'errands' if I then said thanks darling I'm off to go for a nice bath and bed. You can do the night feeds.

Similarly I don't expect us (it is 'our' money as I'm on Mat leave and do contribute) to pay for a cleaner when I'm at home and can do it myself.

I expect him to help when he's at home; which he does. He changes nappys does feeds and will get up on a night when he's not at work (not often).

I would consider myself to be taking the piss if I asked him to do more so I could have time to myself. I have time to myself when the baby is sleeping. I don't feel like I've given up an awful lot - the main thing for me is sleep. But as I say it wouldn't be safe for him to get up. I like him alive

Brandon, thanks for the snark but I didn't claim that it changed the entire tone. I listed a few things that make your reverse not particularly persuasive IMO, and that is one of them.

Well it's not time to myself because I'm watching a sleeping baby but I mean I can still watch telly/ internet shop/ have a nice bath/ go for a walk or whatever

I don't get time away from the baby often is what I meant.

Ok, fair enough.

So why the apparent resentment towards the OP?

And yes, I could change my reverse to 'we have a cleaner and send toddler to nursery paid out of family money' I don't see how that would make any difference to an AIBU thread about this subject, the responses would still be as i said.

And maybe the DH does resent it and just does it for a quiet life to make his wife happy.

I just dont like the insinuation that because the OP is a woman she doesn't have to do her fair share, just because lots of men in other families don't do their fair share

bestrong

Honestly? I feel sorry for her partner and I think she's taking the piss.

If it works for him then fine but I would love to hear what he has to say straight from the horses mouth.

I can't believe he's as happy as she makes out....

Brandon, part of your own argument on this thread is that the DH 'pays for' the cleaner and nursery.

I don't know how many times the OP has said her DH is happy to do what he does/offers to/has been asked and has told her clearly that he's fine. Why is it so hard to accept what she says?

'maybe the DH just does it for a quiet life' is plain bitchy and, frankly, misogynistic, playing on the stereotype of women as nagging and chivvying their poor downtrodden husbands.

And the OP DOES do her fair share.

Imo she doesn't do her fair share.

I think a lot of posters share that opinion.

maybe the DH just does it for a quiet life' is plain bitchy and, frankly, misogynistic,

No it's not, its based on the OPs posts on here, whether she is male or female is irrelevant.

No it's not, its based on the OPs posts on here

Please can you quote us a post from the OP backing up your assertion that her DH might just do what he does for a quiet life?

She very obviously does not do her fair share, and is not even grateful for it.

Most posters here can see that clearly, and to throw around accusations of misogyny, sexism, or being stuck in the 1950s is insulting to all of those who actually do have to put up with those things.

Proteus, you've been throwing around accusations of the OP being spoilt, selfish, passive-aggressive and smug. When asked to explain why you were so angry you simply made your tone more aggressive and nasty.

Mostly her posts where she says that she offers to help and he insists its fine, immediately followed by her saying that she expects him to get up twice in the night and he is not doing anything special. Im guessing those sorts of conversations have happened between them in real life as well.

I was also just wondering if her DH is there when she has these conversations with her friends etc about how is only doing what he should be etc anyway?

Mostly her posts where she says that she offers to help and he insists its fine, immediately followed by her saying that she expects him to get up twice in the night and he is not doing anything special.

Sorry, I'm genuinely not understanding your reasoning.