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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 10:31

See to me there's no should about it. They do what works for them.

Yes, quite. Querty, I hear that you don't mean to criticise, but the word 'should' is very freighted. It's just what works best for whichever family. The OP's DH seems actively happy to do night feeds and it isn't impacting on his work day. So, he does them. Great. The same may not be the case for you and your DH. Great; whatever works.

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:31

Be I'm not working for free - I get maternity pay. And CB if that counts?

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:33

Yeah that's fair enough I shouldn't have used the word should. I more meant that that's just the way I view it. everyone knows we all do things differently, I would just feel uneasy in her shoes. As long as both are happy that's all that matters I suppose.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 01/06/2016 10:33

Fair enough if that works for you Qwerty. I know my DH would be hurt and insulted if I refused his help with our kids.

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:34

I don't actively refuse his help! It just suits that I am the one that does the majority of the stuff. Dh is definitly not insulted Wink

BeStrongAndCourageous · 01/06/2016 10:35

So long as your OH steps up when you go back to work Qwerty! Wouldn't be fair otherwise would it?

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:36

Maybe some of it depends on who did what pre children? As far as housekeeping is concerned. So if it was equally shared it would be more likely to stay like this post baby possibly for example.

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:37

Of course be! Then it's 50 50 all the way

Bryt · 01/06/2016 10:45

Why do so many people assume her DH's ft job is more difficult to do on broken sleep than looking after a baby and toddler all day? Working in an office at a desk isn't always that difficult, depending on what he does. U have a teen and preteen and even now, after a week's annual leave, I look forward to going back to work, to my desk.

SpotOfWeather · 01/06/2016 10:46

Lweji
Really?
I know a few, including me.

Isn't it just coping though?

If you have to do it, then you have to do it. But who can be effective at a day job after broken sleep, night after night after night? So if there is a choice - like in OP's case - then I wouldn't risk someone's job because of the night feeds. Not during the maternity leave. (It's different when both parents work - then sharing is only fair).

I did the night feeds when I went to work at 7months old, and 6months with the second baby, but at that point the night feeds are not so frequent and you're starting to work towards a full nights sleep. Still hard!

Lweji · 01/06/2016 10:52

SpotOfWeather

Clearly, the OP's husband is not simply "coping", or he'd probably have asked her to take over the feeds. It seems he's managing to sleep 7-8 hours, even if broken. Some people are fine with 6 or less.
We can't presume what he is like. If he's fine, who's anyone else to say he can't?

JustDanceAddict · 01/06/2016 10:58

Seems like you have a good balance to me.
When my two were babies, it was harder for him to help with DD as she was breastfed, but he'd help me settle her in the early weeks as we were both clueless! He went to work at 8am or whatever (although he has always coped better on less sleep than me and even now I need my 8 hours and he can manage easily on 6).
Then with DS, who was bottle fed, we took turns each night so one of us would get a full night's sleep every other night. Again, he slept through around 7 months and this was prob only the first couple of months. DH was actually made redundant when DS was a couple of months old, and didn't go back to work til he was over a year old, but he was doing courses to keep him up to date with his industry so still had to be up at a certain time.
I tended to get up at hideous o clock in the morning though, and do the feeding, breakfasting, etc.
I think parenting and housework has to be a joint effort though. If one parent is working f/t then of course they do less as they're not around/haven't got the time, but I don't think that parent should get away with doing nothing either.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2016 11:16

No need to despair bestrong. The fairest split for my family was (mon - fri) person a - earn money, person b - childcare/housework/nightwakings (weekends - person b's role shared). Regardless of gender. Nothing do with 1950s ideology, simply the fairest way of assigning tasks. In fact, person A had the nicer time.

Anyway, that's my situation, all are different.

All I'm saying is either this works for op as a family in which case great, or op is taking the piss. We don't know which is true.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2016 11:18

I meant person b had the nicer time!

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 11:32

arethere, I can't speak for others but I am still despairing/depressed.

Your workload-splitting worked for your family. Fine. Great.

I do find it rather '1950s' though, your notion that the OP's DH 'pays for a cleaner for you' and 'to put your toddler in nursery'. I'm with BeStrong on that. Do you genuinely believe that it's only the OP who needs a cleaner and that therefore the cleaner is for her? Not for her DH or the rest of the family?

Do you genuinely think the toddler is just the OP's responsibility?

Do you also think that the OP should be grateful that her DH works and can pay for cleaners and nursery, but not that the DH should be grateful that the OP looks after HIS children so that HE can go to work?

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 11:39

Hang on.

So the OP takes care of the children in the day and cooks dinner.

The DH does not one but TWO night feeds, goes to work all day and then when he gets back allows the OP to have some 'time to herself'. He also pays for a cleaner so that she does not have to worry about housework as well (yes I know housework can be both parents responsibility but kets face jt, if one parent is at home all day its fairer to expect them to do if, therefore she is the one benefitting) and pays to put their kid in nursery a couple a days a week, giving her s bit of a break.

And what the OP does with all this is start a thread bitching about not wanting to have to feel 'grateful'.
Wow.

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 11:43

No, the OP started a thread asking whether her DH is 'a saint', as people in their RL circle are describing him.

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 11:44

Do you genuinely think the toddler is just the OP's responsibility?

Ummm, well during the hours that her DH is at work then yes i would say the toddler is just the OPs.responsibility, given that she is his sole carer as the DH is presumably miles away at work. Lets face it, he isn't really benefitting from the toddler going to nursery for a few hours a week, the OP is as she is the one getting a break. Yet he is the one paying for it.

AllTheDwarves · 01/06/2016 11:44

No, he is not a saint. He is a father, and a husband. If your child's father thinks that going out and making the money is the be all and end all of raising a child then I feel sorry for you. My OH runs his own business. He is on call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Even on holiday. He only switches his phone off on Christmas Day. But when he's at home, 99% of the time he is dad. The same as I am mum. He does bath time while I cook dinner, he does bed time while I wash up. He looks after the pets, he throws a wash on if I am drowning in housework or chasing children around. And he did his fair share of night feeds when DC were babies. He's not a saint and I don't count myself lucky to have him because we work equally as hard, just in different ways. It took two of us to have children and it takes two of us to raise them.

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 11:46

he isn't really benefitting from the toddler going to nursery for a few hours a week, the OP is as she is the one getting a break.

She's looking after their other child, not 'getting a break'.

LauraMipsum · 01/06/2016 11:49

I don't know any human being (or saint, for that matter) who can manage night feeds and a full time day job.

I do Spot. DD is 18 months and still doesn't sleep through. I went to bed at 10.30 last night, was up for a night feed at 11.20, 3.30 and 4.20, then DD was in bed with me until I put her back down at 5. I got up at 7.30. It's a bit worse than usual right now because there seems to be an 18m sleep regression but I've had about 2 night wakings a night for 18 months.

Not only do I cope but I do well at my job. I am mainlining coffee today though!

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 11:50

No, the OP started a thread asking whether her DH is 'a saint', as people in their RL circle are describing him.

Well maybe that's not becauss expectations of men are lower (although i do agree that generally there are) but because the DH is actually appearing to do way more than his fair share.

Brandonstarkflakes · 01/06/2016 11:56

Imagine the AIBU:

'I am a full time WOHP and my DH stays at home looking after our baby and toddler. I do both night feeds and then when I get in from work I sort the kids while my DH has some time to himself to pursue a hobby/have a bath. We also have a cleaner, paid for by me, so he doesn't have to do much in the way of house work and I pay for our toddler to go to nursery a couple of days a week. AIBU to think that this isnt really a fair distribution of our jobs?'

Whhaaaaaaat? You are a total saint! Typical bloke, they always manage to get out of doing the lions share of the jobs don't they. LTB.

mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 11:57

Yes i think some of the posts are depressing he is the dad not some special snowflake who needs his rest the op had a baby 5 weeks ago fgs give her a break

And so did I.., except I do 95% of the night feeds.. And I don't have a cleaner!! Oh and I very very VERY rarely get time to myself.

Oh and I'm grateful for the 5% of night feeds my partner does

It seems like the only special snowflake here is op.

Surely when you have a newborn you don't expect to have a full nights sleep and time to yourself?! That goes for BOTH parents. Not just one.

mummytohpm · 01/06/2016 11:58

*Imagine the AIBU:

'I am a full time WOHP and my DH stays at home looking after our baby and toddler. I do both night feeds and then when I get in from work I sort the kids while my DH has some time to himself to pursue a hobby/have a bath. We also have a cleaner, paid for by me, so he doesn't have to do much in the way of house work and I pay for our toddler to go to nursery a couple of days a week. AIBU to think that this isnt really a fair distribution of our jobs?'

Whhaaaaaaat? You are a total saint! Typical bloke, they always manage to get out of doing the lions share of the jobs don't they. LTB.

This. Exactly this.