Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
Ledkr · 01/06/2016 09:31

woodhill I think the assumption that "most men" wouldn't do it is precisely why they don't.

Mentalmummydoes · 01/06/2016 09:33

I don't think he's a saint. It obviously works for you BUT I guess.. Lack of sleep is awful and perhaps alternating nights would be helpful for him and for your relationship in the long term? My husband did our DD2s midnight feed them I did every other feed/ wake up from then.. In honesty it was hell as she didn't sleep through until 11 months and perhaps if we'd done alternating nights I wouldn't of felt so sh*te xx

harshbuttrue1980 · 01/06/2016 09:33

You sound selfish, and like you aren't really pulling your weight. Its all well and good to say that your DH loves doing all the night feeds as well as working to support you, but he might realise that you're taking him for a mug and decide he's had enough. You don't work, have a cleaner so don't do housework and don't do any night feeds - a lucky life indeed, but if I was your DH I'd be getting a bit pissed off at your lack of team effort.

BarbarianMum · 01/06/2016 09:38

I dunno, if the OP had posted that she'd gone back to work full time and her dh was being a SAHD but she was still doing all the night wakings so he'd be safe to look after the children all day, I think most people would think that's a bit off.

BertrandRussell · 01/06/2016 09:43

"Makes me wonder how many of you would cope as single parents if you think the situation described in the OP is so tough and unfair and such terribly hard work."

Isn't the point that neither of the parents described is a single parent so surely teamwork is the way to go?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/06/2016 09:44

So, you're doing all the nice bits of being a sahp with a newborn - the days out with friends with baby strapped to you plus you get daily 'me time'. And he's doing all the hard bits - all the night feedings, responsible for earning all finances, no 'me time'. Plus he pays for a cleaner for you and to put your toddler in nursery.

Nice.

I wouldn't say he's a good dad, I'd say he's a doormat.

IronMaggie · 01/06/2016 09:46

Some of you have quite low standards, in that you clearly don't expect your DH / DPs to do very much. 8 hours sleep with one break is not hardship. That would be a luxury to many.

OP, I'd have thought your system sounds fair, if he's coping ok and has no complaints. People need different amounts of sleep.

My DP loved waking up with our two, as it was his time to bond with them alone - if I hadn't been breastfeeding he'd have done it much more.

scallopsrgreat · 01/06/2016 09:53

She is not being selfish. What a nasty thing to say. She is staying home so that he can go to work, otherwise he would have to stay at home with the baby. So quit with the "he's supporting you". This is his child too. Theya re both supporting their children. And where is the lack of team effort? Looking after a baby isn't all about night feeds. They sound like they are appreciating each other and giving each other free time. She is also looking after a toddler and a baby all through the day. But yeah she's just lazy and selfish Hmm.

And lol at people thinking you can't do night feeds and hold down a full time job. With my youngest he was waking every hour on the hour for a year after I went back to work. I was bfing so did pretty much all of that and hold down a full time job. My partner managed to pull his weight elsewhere in the house and at other times with the kids and also still hold down a full time shift pattern job. We were both fucking exhausted tbh. But we tried to be kind to each other and it sounds like this is how Loulou and her partner are.

He's no bloody saint. He is an engaged father. It is such a shame that this isn't even recognised for what it is. People really do have low expectations of men.

SapphireStrange · 01/06/2016 09:57

Hear hear, scallops.

Parts of this thread are fucking depressing. How can we hope for society to change its attitude to women/mothers if this is how people still think?

NickiFury · 01/06/2016 09:57

No Bertrand I am addressing the posts lamenting how tough it is and how they don't know how he can function doing all the night feeds.

NickiFury · 01/06/2016 10:01

Sounds like great team work to me anyway, given the fact that it is working for them and all involved seem to be getting what is needed out of the situation despite what a load of internet randoms think.

MrsJayy · 01/06/2016 10:01

Yes i think some of the posts are depressing he is the dad not some special snowflake who needs his rest the op had a baby 5 weeks ago fgs give her a break

christinarossetti · 01/06/2016 10:07

It's not 'saintly', it's a mutually convenient arrangement for both of you.

It will change as the children's needs do, but both parties pulling together and supporting each other sounds great to me.

Bryt · 01/06/2016 10:10

I'm not surprised you're getting a hard time OP - some of my friends thought my DH heroic just for making the DC's packed lunches every morning. I've learnt not to mention it lest I be made to seem lazy, less of a mother etc...

I know plenty of mothers who went back to work ft when their baby was 6 months and they breastfed their babies several times per night and they confessed to enjoying it because of the closeness and missing their babies during the day. OP's DP will be getting the opportunity to bond with his baby when feeding it during the night. What's so wrong with that? He might need less sleep than the OP? He might be a night owl and prefer the lie in arrangement. Sadly, this arrangement is unusual but no, not saintly. The baby is both parents' responsibility.

NavyAndWhite · 01/06/2016 10:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lweji · 01/06/2016 10:11

woodhill I think the assumption that "most men" wouldn't do it is precisely why they don't.

Exactly. And it has no bearing on whether they should or not.

MrsJayy · 01/06/2016 10:16

It is a decent thing to do but the op is getting a hard time for being selfish lazy and having a bloody cleaner like she is skipping through the day with the children

BeStrongAndCourageous · 01/06/2016 10:20

"So, you're doing all the nice bits of being a sahp with a newborn - the days out with friends with baby strapped to you plus you get daily 'me time'. And he's doing all the hard bits - all the night feedings, responsible for earning all finances, no 'me time'. Plus he pays for a cleaner for you and to put your toddler in nursery."

Hold up. He pays for a cleaner for her? To clean the mess only she makes, presumably? He pays to put her toddler in nursery? So he had no hand in the making of said toddler then?

I despair, I absolutely despair. The only consolation I can take from some of these massively depressing posts is that I suspect most of them are generated by absolute teeth-grinding envy rather than being their genuine opinions.

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:21

I would feel guilty if dh did night feeds as I am on maternity. When ds didn't sleep through the night I did all the night feeds. The only feed dh does is one when he gets in from work. I cook and clean and do the washing... Pretty much everything... Because he works full time and I don't. Ds is 5 months now and has slept through for a couple of months now so I would definitly feel guilty making dh do nappy changes and feeds when he is at work all day. He does a couple of feeds and nappy changes and cooking at the weekend. Am I going to get flamed for this?!

NickiFury · 01/06/2016 10:24

No because that's what works for you and your family querty.

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:24

Op for the record I don't think you're selfish or lazy... It just wouldn't sit right with me having dh do that stuff as he works aswell. And more to he point I'm a massive control freak I have to do everything my way Blush

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:25

Thanks nicki. I wanted to reiterate its not a criticism of op and her family's way of doing things, it's jut personally i see if you're on Mat leave you should be doing the majority of stuff

NickiFury · 01/06/2016 10:27

See to me there's no should about it. They do what works for them.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 01/06/2016 10:29

Querty, you say you don't work. Taking care of a baby and a home is work - no one expects nannies, housekeepers or cleaners to work for free. Just mothers!

Querty12345 · 01/06/2016 10:30

Exactly that is my 'job', shouldn't be a job share with dh imo.

Swipe left for the next trending thread