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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:

Lweji · 31/05/2016 20:46

Then when a dh does we all call him a hero.
Who's we? And who's all?
Which thread are you reading?
Speak for yourself.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 31/05/2016 20:57

Well if it works, why not?

My husband lives on 4-5 hours sleep and did the vast majority of the night feeds. He just didn't need as much sleep as me and also could fall asleep within seconds so going back to sleep after feeding was very easy for him. We had a live in nanny who was barely disturbed as he loved night feeding and woke up as soon as he heard a yelp

MsGemJay · 31/05/2016 21:11

You are very lucky to have someone to help you. This isn't taking away from the hard work you are doing too, just saying you are lucky.

My ex helped me with half of the night feeds, as we had to feed our daughter every 2hrs and I was trying to express too.

I'm grateful for his help and support. I wasn't well when I was pregnant and after I had our baby.

If he is happy to help with equal or more then he's a better parent than I am

VeraB · 31/05/2016 21:12

I totally agree with Lweji! :) It's patronising to men and equal rights to suggest that a father can't do the same things a mother can anyway. If you substitute the words Mother and Father for Parent in every conversation of this ilk I reckon the replies would be a lot more fair. EVERYONE should be appreciated for things they do for one another (provided they're not a total shit) but looking after your own child is not something you should do for the sole purpose of being appreciated. Myself and my partner made the choice for us both to go part time - a huge financial hit rather than just one of us doing so - because we feel that time with your child/ren is equally important for both parents.. I BF so my partner didn't do night feeds for that sole reason. I continued to BF during the night until our DD was 3, even though I was back at work. He did however do half of everything else. Few posters seem to be commenting on the fact that OP appears to be doing the cooking, and I'd like to bet the shopping, washing etc also. It doesn't matter how you split the duties, as long as it's fair. It annoyed me how many other mums praised my partner like a saint for doing stuff with her on his non-working days. Not because I don't love, respect and appreciate him, but because it seems to be a thing we only praise men for. TBH it also made me feel a bit sorry for the woman who settled for less. Prior to having our DD we were equal earners and did equal household duties, in 2016 it seems more than fair to me that this should extend to parenting????

Shameandregret · 31/05/2016 22:13

I did all the night feeds for DS1 because I was a single parent as his dad didn't want anything to do with him. Went back to work when he was 18 weeks (financially I had to). Nobody gave me a medal or called me heroic or saintly.

It's parenting. Self sacrifice is part of the deal. This dad just sounds like he's getting on with it. Like we all do.

Oswin · 31/05/2016 22:19

This thread is massively pissing me off.

Posters are being really fucking rude rude to the op for no reason. There's no need to be a twat.

The dh does it because he doesn't get to spend all day with his baby so likes the bonding time.
Yet posters for believe this.
Now if a mother had said the same thing she would be believed because of course a mother would dreadfully miss her children if she was out at work all day.

A father wouldn't of course!

Fucks sake

SpotOfWeather · 31/05/2016 22:43

I don't know any human being (or saint, for that matter) who can manage night feeds and a full time day job.

NapQueen · 31/05/2016 23:15

spot how do you think parent who both work and still have a night waking baby cope??

Dh and I used to take turns, excepting the nights I was on a "turnaround shift" - finish work at 11pm back in for 7am. They were his!

ProteusRising · 31/05/2016 23:29

NapQueen exactly like you said yourself - by taking turns . The OP doesn''t do that. She leaves ALL of the night feeds to her husband.

"The dh does it because he doesn't get to spend all day with his baby so likes the bonding time."

Hahahahhahaaha. As someone who EBF my kids and had to do all of the night feeds for the first year of each of their lives, I can count the number of times I thought, at 3am, "oh this wonderful precious bonding time" on the fingers of one lung.

IHeartKingThistle · 31/05/2016 23:29

When our DC2 was a few months old I got very sick. DH got up every night for months and months - until he slept through really - to feed the baby so I could get enough sleep to get through the day. He was working full time in a very demanding job the whole time. I was on maternity leave.

It was lovely, but he was just stepping up. What WAS heroic was that he never, once, complained, told me how tired he was or used it as a bargaining tool. It enabled me to get better. That's heroic if you ask me.

So it's the attitude that maketh the hero I think. If OP's DH was getting up, bitching and moaning, waking her up and complaining about it the next day, no. He's doing it to help her out and because he wants time with his baby. He's doing his share. Yes in an ideal world they'd all do their share, but they don't. We read about all these idiots on MN. His friends and colleagues probably don't get up with their babies. So under those circumstances I'd probably, gingerly, say yep, little bit heroic. Sorry!

Lweji · 01/06/2016 00:09

I don't know any human being (or saint, for that matter) who can manage night feeds and a full time day job.

Really?
I know a few, including me.

BertrandRussell · 01/06/2016 00:27

It's funny how people's attitudes differ. After much discussion, when I was pregnant with our first child, we decided that I would give up woh. We talked it throught for ages, and decided that was what we wanted. We formed a team that supported our growing family- during the week I took the brunt of the child care and domestic stuff because that was my rolled in the team He earned the money- that was his role. I did the things that made it possible for him to do it. And that meant that, unless I was ill, or very tired or needed a break, (in which case, he obviously stepped up without hesitation or complaint) he didn't do night feeds. He worked long hours in a challenging job- he couldn't have done that on little sleep. At the weekends, we divvied up free time for each of us and family time for all of us. We had very strict rules about free time for both of us. I think we took on the raising of a family like a work project. Everybody knew what their role was, had a job description and we had regular reviews to make sure we were both happy. I wouldn't have felt I was pulling my weight if he had been up in the night when I could go back to bed with the baby in the afternoon. And he got lots of baby cuddles and bonding time because we co slept.

enterYourPassword · 01/06/2016 02:22

Lweji

Really. This is for a newborn. I can't really remember but isn't that every 2-3 hours?

Sallystyle · 01/06/2016 02:51

If I had to do all the night feeds and work the next day I would be pissed off. I would expect my husband as a SAHD to do one if not all of them.

I have had five children and I know how hard it is, but I was a SAHM for 15 years and being at home and tired is very different than working and being tired for me. My job is physical and days of interrupted sleep would mean I wouldn't be able to give patients the best care they deserve. I did manage to have lazy duvet days as a SAHM with multiple children but I know that is not the case for everyone.

However, OP it is working for both of you. No, your DH is not a saint, he is doing what works for your family just like any parent should. That doesn't make him a saint, and just because your set up wouldn't work for me doesn't mean it is wrong.

Lweji · 01/06/2016 05:35

Really. This is for a newborn. I can't really remember but isn't that every 2-3 hours?

I don't know for a newborn, but I remember for this newborn the OP said twice a night. With at least a 4 hour stretch of sleep.

Lweji · 01/06/2016 05:42

Also, he effectively gets one feed if he goes to bed at midnight and gets up at night.
If he happens to be in bed by 9 or 10, he even sleeps 8-7 hours per night easily.
And if he's managing it well, then he's managing it well.

Lweji · 01/06/2016 05:43

Ups.
...gets up at eight.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 01/06/2016 08:15

There probably only is one night feed and it takes half an hour. Not a huge sacrifice at all. That's the way we did it too. Not everyone can go back to sleep easily so there can be no hard and fast rules. If there wasn't such an expectation that women do all the fatiguing bits because they can afford to go around in a sleep deprived haze there would be less pnd. Looking after young children is also an important role requiring alertness and mental agility.

It should be down to the couple to work out but they are both equally responsible outside working hours. My dp always said I going to work is the cushy option compared to bring at home and I agree with him in many ways.

Woodhill · 01/06/2016 08:27

Saintly definitely. Most men wouldn't do that if they have to get up for work. How unselfish of him.

GreaseIsNotTheWord · 01/06/2016 08:34

During his paternity leave, all night time waking's were shared. I was bf but he would still get up to act as a runner, fetch a nappy, a drink, have a chat if I was bored etc.

I didn't expect him to do it when he was back in work though...I can't think of anything more miserable than a day at the office after being up twice in the night.

When dc moved to bottle feeding, he would share at weekends.

Lweji · 01/06/2016 08:40

It has recently come out that even 100 years ago people would get up routinely in the middle of the night and sleep in two stages.
I often do it, after falling asleep in the sofa with no problems at work.
I did it when breastfeeding ds and when he's ill with no problems.
More importantly, it seems this man does this with no problems. But if everyone else says there must be a problem, then I'm sure it's a problem.
Sigh.

The OP has a small child and a small baby to care for during the day. If that doesn't need a rested head, then I don't know what does.

Merd · 01/06/2016 08:45

God, can you imagine living in a village a few hundred years ago when there was no soundproofing? No insulation or anything, just some wooden structure of you were lucky. You could presumably hear the chickens, cows, birds, snoring from next door, drunken neighbours (at one point beer was 'safer' than water to drink). Not to mention the other stuff - you know, no heating, no toilets, no deodorant, no ready food supply if your crops failed.... blindly dithers off thread

Merd · 01/06/2016 08:46

Oh and babies. If they screamed did they wake the whole village up do you think? (Imagine the pressure...)

Merd · 01/06/2016 08:47

(I've just thought about it and of course people do still live like that across the world and am suitably by the way. Just in case anyone was wondering.)

NickiFury · 01/06/2016 09:25

I find some of this insistence that the husband is getting a really rough deal laughable I really do. Makes me wonder how many of you would cope as single parents if you think the situation described in the OP is so tough and unfair and such terribly hard work.

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