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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 16:05

Doinitfine I'm not taking credit for anything. I just made a good choice in partner. His abilities as a dad are his and he takes credit for that. I tell him often that he's brilliant at being a dad- it's all on him.

OP posts:
mothermother · 31/05/2016 16:05

my husband works all over uk in a physically hard job. he leaves at 5am and comes home around 5,6 sometimes earlier sometimes later.
i dont work and we have four children and he is the most amazing human ever! first thing he does is unloading/loading of the dishwasher while he makes his coffee, he helps with the kids and we are 50% 50% when it comes to parenting WHEN he is at home. however if he did nightfeeds of course he would be a saint! i would never expect him to do it tho and it's odd that it upsets you that people think that about him. i brag about my husband to everyone and i love it when people see how brilliant of a husband and a father he is. he works you don't and if he doesn't mind doing two nightfeeds then you are lucky and just enjoy it.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 31/05/2016 16:13

Also, if you married a selfish shit, and he remains a selfish shit, and you stay with him anyway - well, who else is to blame really?

branofthemist · 31/05/2016 16:16

saphire yes after I posted, the post you questioned.

BertrandRussell · 31/05/2016 16:20

I think neither parent should do all the night feeds.

And I don't think the person who works outside the home and has to drive a car should even do most of them.

splendide · 31/05/2016 16:28

But if the person who works is the one with the boobs they may not have much choice.

Grinandbearingit · 31/05/2016 16:56

I'm so jealous! You're very fortunate! I sort of agree that him doing the night feeds every night is a bit harsh! Be careful he doesn't get resentful, that's like wood rot for a marriage! But if he's happy let him crack on I guess! Just really appreciate it! I EBF so my husband can't help but my firstborn was bottle fed so DH did night feeds on the weekends. I let my DH sleep in another room and I deal with the baby as he's in a high pressured job. No one judges us if we have an off day but us, but offices have bosses watching and judging and penalising etc...

Var123 · 31/05/2016 17:10

I think he works more hours than you and gets less uninterrupted sleep.

Basicbrown · 31/05/2016 17:54

I think he works more hours than you and gets less uninterrupted sleep

I think he stays in bed till 8am while the op gets up at 6am

eightbluebirds · 31/05/2016 17:55

I think it's fine. You get breaks etc at work. Being at home with the kids doesn't come with breaks. Some people cope better than others on less sleep. My OH doesn't need as much sleep as me.

elh1605 · 31/05/2016 18:00

I didn't expect my dh to do any night feeds because he's a shift worker and gets up at 4:15, so I can count on 1 hand how many he's done in past 23mths! But he would quite often stay up and do the 10:30/11 feed so I could grab a couple of hours extra sleep. But he'd do everything he could with dd when he was home-bath time, feeding, changing and paying 75% of the bills whilst I was on maternity! And if needed he gets up at 6:30am once a week to have dd all day so I can work before he does a 12hr night shift!

Var123 · 31/05/2016 18:00

yes but add up the hours. OP gets about 6-8 straight hours while he gets 2 1/2 and 4 1/2 with a break in the middle.

Then, unless I read it wrong, he either works or travels every waking moment and the OP gets "some time to myself".

I'd rather have the OP's side of the deal than the husband's. (and yes, I was, at one point in my life, at home, on maternity leave, with a newborn and a toddler)

VeraB · 31/05/2016 18:09

I think that sounds fair tbh - good for you for finding a system that works for you both :) I have long since come to realise that in most cases if a man does almost as much as a woman that we're told we should be grateful somehow?!?! I think this is exactly the reason why so many fellas have gotten off pretty lightly on the running a household/family responsibility stuff. I would find it insulting if someone said to me I was doing a lot 'for a woman' and women would do better to look at it that way. Our little one (now 5) was a regular night waker/feeder until she was over 3 years old and I was long since back at work myself by then. I appreciate that people are mentioning that the broken sleep is a killer when you're working.... but it often continues once you're both at work anyway so an agreed routine to deal with it this early on, maternity leave or not is an excellent plan! He is doing his share, and that is amazing for BOTH OF YOU, but he's not a saint - he's a good example to other dads :)

arethereanyleftatall · 31/05/2016 19:19

Your splitting up of the joint effort required is blatantly unfair. He has the far greater workload.

I would ask yourself why he is (seemingly) happy to do so much.

If it's because he doesn't need much sleep, then this is all fine.

But given his 4 hour sleep on a weekend, this seems unlikely, so he is busting his guts on your behalf for some reason or another.

If it's because he loves you so much, then why not return the favour.

I couldn't let someone I love do so much, in all good conscience.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 31/05/2016 19:20

OP I see the thread has moved on somewhat at a cracking pace but in response to your query about the 'harping on' comment - you seem to have little realisation that your DH is doing more than most, combined with the fact that you've been discussing it with your friends and posted an aibu thread about it during which you haven't accepted at all that he is going above what is generally expected of a new father in this day and age - I think you most likely wouldn't hesitate to have this discussion in real life.

For what it's worth - I think your DH is a saint. But if you did all the night feeds you would be a saint. I think you are very very wrong not to be grateful - but perhaps if we changed that word to 'appreciative' you may accept that better. My point was slightly off-topic and simply that if you know you have it better than a lot of your friends then the decent thing to do would not be discussing your far easier situation whilst theirs is not, even though you may be tempted to with the desire to prove that - in your opinion - your DH isn't doing more than he should.
If my DH had something that sounded lien your dh's job I'd expect him to help more at night. And I'd be really grateful and I would keep quiet when others around me complained how they haven't slept for x nights in a row.

Keely93 · 31/05/2016 19:21

Well I think my partner is amazing, he does so much for me(what yours is doing is a bloody good amount too, you are lucky, not to have him do so much but that you have someone so brilliant!) while I wouldn't call him a saint I appreciate everything he does so much as I know he appreciates everything I do so much. A bit of appreciation goes a long way.

53rdAndBird · 31/05/2016 20:22

Nah, it's working for you both, so YANBU. We split it the other way around - so I did all the night feeds (breastfeeding), but DH took over from 6 and I got a couple of hours of extra sleep. While I was at work in an office , too! (DH also worked, but from home and chose his own hours.) Was not aware this qualified me for sainthood, but you live and learn.

Weirdly, I got a lot of "gosh he's such an involved dad, you're soooo lucky!" about my DH as well, despite having the opposite arrangement to you. It's almost like there's some kind of cultural sexism afoot...

AmysTiara · 31/05/2016 20:29

Well it's not saintly to look after your own children but I do think it would be fairer if you each did a night feed rather than him doing both.

Lweji · 31/05/2016 20:30

he is going above what is generally expected of a new father in this day and age
That doesn't make him special.
It just means that most fathers don't participate enough.

Asuitablemum · 31/05/2016 20:33

He sounds like a keeper to me Halo. I can but dream! But like you say he is just doing his bit but there are so many men who don't or choose all the easy bits.

Lweji · 31/05/2016 20:33

Also, considering pregnancy and labour, I think new mums fully deserve to sleep through.

Nobody is giving us any medals for those.
Waking up a couple of times in the night barely compensates for all that, plus the incontinence, stretch marks, wobbly tummies and breast pain.

HalleLouja · 31/05/2016 20:38

I think your DH sounds lovely. Not a saint though. Am assuming you both decided to have kids so he should play his part. If he is happy with the arrangement then good on both of you. Why should you do night feeds if you are ebf? I did ebf so was a bit screwed on that bit.... I did used to wake my DH when DC wouldn't settle though.

It annoys me also when men say they babysit their own kid. No it's called parenting.

Mine are now older and my DH is much better at housework than me. But I so much more kids stuff and cooking. Not evenly split. So make sure he carries on how he started.

HalleLouja · 31/05/2016 20:39

Should read aren't ebf...

BlueFolly · 31/05/2016 20:43

If a woman on maternity leave posted she wanted her dh to do a night feed and help with bedtime while she had a bath and the dh wouldn't there would be collective gasps of horror. Then when a dh does we all call him a hero.

This

cathf · 31/05/2016 20:44

So, I am a sah mum. My husband gets up at 6am with the children while I have a lie-in until 8am, but i do all the night feeds. Aibu to be annoyed that he expects me to cover childcare while he goes for a run every night? I've been working too!