Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
ProteusRising · 31/05/2016 15:03

Loulou0
"You obviously haven't read the thread properly which means you are getting angry about things that aren't accurate which is even sillier."

On the contrary. I've read the whole thread. I'm not angry - you're not (thank god) a real person in my life. But because you're not (thank god) in my real life, I can respond honestly to your display of selfishness.

"This amount of anger towards someone you don't know isn't normal. I'm sorry that my situation is so upsetting for you."

If the passive-aggressive smugness displayed in your posts here (such as the 'flowers' emoticon - oh please) has any resemblance to your real-life interactions with your husband, then I'm not surprised he doesn't ask you to get off your arse and do your fair share. I'm sure he does everything he can to avoid being on the receiving end of it.

Happylandpirate · 31/05/2016 15:05

Yes actually I would say the same. My best friend had a child last year and she did ALL the night feeds every single one of them. Not because she had to, not because her Husband wouldn't but because she chose to. She didn't do it for thanks or appreciation she just did it because that worked best for her and her husband. She's not a saint or a goddess she a mother looking after her child, the same way that this is a father looking after his child.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 15:06

**Today 14:25 mummytohpm

Out of interest lou

What would you do if your DH turned round and said he was knackered and he didn't want to do any night feeds or get the kids ready on a morning?

Would you kick him out because he doesn't meet your expectations of a good parent?

I wouldn't kick him out, no but I'd be really upset and disappointed that he'd changed his attitude and personality! If he wanted me to do the nights /split the nights I'd do that happily but I wouldn't be ok with him dropping the other things such as getting them ready/putting toddler to bed/ playing with toddler after work etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 15:08

Is being passive aggressive better or worse than bring downright aggressive?

OP posts:
Happylandpirate · 31/05/2016 15:08

Proteus Bloody hell calm down!! The op is right there is no need to get so personal and your posts are getting increasingly angry. At the end of the day it's just a difference in opinion!! Night feeds does not constitute as looking after a child, just because the op doesn't do night feeds does not mean she "sits on her arse" night feed are just one part of looking after a child. You are being rude and unfair

SapphireStrange · 31/05/2016 15:09

But bran, you've changed the OP's meaning, which is that she's annoyed when others think her DH is some kind of saint, and posited a different hypothetical question about feeling 'appreciated'.

You've moved the goalposts.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 15:09

**If the passive-aggressive smugness displayed in your posts here (such as the 'flowers' emoticon - oh please) has any resemblance to your real-life interactions with your husband, then I'm not surprised he doesn't ask you to get off your arse and do your fair share. I'm sure he does everything he can to avoid being on the receiving end of it.

No proteus, I'm saving that all for you. 🌺

OP posts:
BillBrysonsBeard · 31/05/2016 15:12

I think it's great you have something that works for you both and you're all happy with! That's the key to it, there's no hard and fast rules. It just stands out against many (most!) other dads so that's why people are shocked. He is heroic to many women who's partners would never consider doing even one night feed as a one off!

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 15:13

Happyland thanks, you're making my argument against proteus for me which is great cos I'm doing this one handed with the 5 week old asleep on my other one! I never understand why people get so angry on here. Although, I was being a bit contentious with my replies to her After she got personal so I guess I'm just as guilty!

OP posts:
NuckyT · 31/05/2016 15:13

Having been on the other end of the OP's argument (i.e. the working parent doing the night feeds and getting up for work) I haven't found anything that she has said to be unreasonable or selfish.

Lynnm63 · 31/05/2016 15:15

I think it's the word grateful. That suggests someone is going above and beyond. I'd be grateful if someone leant me 50p if I dropped my coin down a drain as I was getting on a bus. I'm appreciative of my husband when he does stuff as he is appreciative if I do stuff. I'm assuming the OP's husband isn't a mass of seething resentment that he's doing the night feeds. Maybe he functions well on 5/6 hrs sleep. We don't know that they haven't thrashed this out and are really happy with the division of labour. It is strange though that many women think that men who pull their weight are somehow saintly when women who pull their weight are just decent mums.

mothermother · 31/05/2016 15:15

he is a saint!

BeStrongAndCourageous · 31/05/2016 15:17

There's been a lot of talk about the OP should be "grateful she's got such a good husband", or that she's "lucky" she's got a good one.

Committing to a decent man who does his bit isn't a matter of luck, or something you should be grateful for. It's just what you do if you have healthy enough self-esteem to realise you deserve a loving, respectful partner - something a worrying amount of women on these boards could do with working on.

Some of you put up with an awful lot of shite....

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 15:17

Lynn you're right. I think grateful has different connotations for different people. With regards to is he resentful- I ask him most days if he is ok to do the night feeds again that night and he says that he is.

OP posts:
mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 15:20

Just to clarify - I don't think he's a saint.

I do most of the night feeds in our house but I'm not a saint either.

I think he's a good father but equally I'm sure op is a good mother and I don't think their arrangement is for everyone (ie me) but if it works for them, and they are both genuinely happy with it then fine.

Similarly I wouldn't think anyone was a shit mum or dad for not doing the night feeds etc . There is usually a genuine reason, and sometimes that reason is that they are a miserable arse when they've had no sleep, but never the less that is a good enough reason for some couples.

I don't think it's entirely fair on the husband but we don't know what else he does/doesn't do in the relationship and we don't know what else op does/doesn't do so I suppose I shouldn't judge really!

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 15:21

Bestrong that's a really good point. Also, I knew he'd be a good dad as I saw how he was with his other kids. And, we discussed our attitudes towards parenting before we started ttc. If at that point he'd said he expected parenting to be mostly the mother's role then I wouldn't have had babies with him!

OP posts:
Lynnm63 · 31/05/2016 15:22

Loulou Maybe this thread has made us both realise what good guys we married. I guess we are just used to having partners who think nothing of doing their fair share or more. I often read things on mumsnet and thank my lucky stars for him and wonder how and why he puts up with me!

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 15:24

I expect my children to express gratitude (saying thank you) when I cook for them and they sit down to eat it.

I would be prosecuted for neglect if I didn't feed them, but I still think it is good manners for them to acknowledge the work and effort that goes into making a meal.

Gratitude does not imply bowing down before someone, that is ridiculous.

Like something a rude teenager with no manners woukd come out with.

BeStrongAndCourageous · 31/05/2016 15:25

These boards often serve as a good reminder to me about what a decent chap I married Lynne - DH quite often gets a spontaneous "love you" or "glad I married you" after I read about some of the crap other women get from their partners!

newmumwithquestions · 31/05/2016 15:34

He is a saint. That doesn't mean you should worship him, but you should appreciate him.

I consider my OH pretty good overall and he does about half what your DH does. He's never done a night feed (bf but they happily take bottle so he could have).

branofthemist · 31/05/2016 15:34

You've moved the goalposts.

No I haven't, the thread has moved on.

I think anyone (man or woman, working or sahp) that does all night feeds is pretty heroic. It's fucking hard.

It works for the OP and her husband. I still think a little gratitude and appreciation is needed. Like his should be appreciative that she does such a good job with the kids, or may be makes him dinner or even a cup of tea.

You see time and time again on threads were women feel shit that what they do goes unappreciated. They don't want to be worshipped or put on a pedestal, just some appreciation. And to be honest I find it weird that people don't appreciate what their loved ones do. Even if it what they are meant to do.

My Dd appreciates the fact that she has clean uniform everyday for example. Making sure your kids have clean clothes is the bare minimum. But she is still grateful I do it. When she puts on a load and sorts it out, I am grateful. But she is 12, it's the least she could do once in a while. And I am still grateful.

SapphireStrange · 31/05/2016 15:43

The OP doesn't say she doesn't appreciate what her DH does. She just makes a distinction between appreciation and gratitude.

Lynnm63 · 31/05/2016 15:43

In fairness I think the op does appreciate her husband but is shocked that some people think what he does confers saintly status.
It's basic good manners to say thank you whether you've been brought a cup of tea, someone's cooked you a meal or done a night feed. There is nothing I've read here that suggests the op isn't showing appreciation for her dh.

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 15:55

I don't know, the idea that she gets to take credit for his decency and kindness because of her impeccable choices is a bit insufferable.

Like women whose husband's treat them badly are to blame for picking badly and "putting up with it".

BeStrongAndCourageous · 31/05/2016 16:04

Why, Doinit? Assuming it wasn't an arranged marriage, she did chose him and by the sounds of it she chose well.

Outside of the context of actual abusive relationships, which have a whole other dynamic, why do some women put up with so much crap?

Swipe left for the next trending thread