To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

Babydubs God / mum !

Exactly Lou - I'm not quite sure why you have been called petulant. You haven't been bad mannered or sulky at all on this thread. At least that's my understanding of the word petulant!!!

Out of interest lou

What would you do if your DH turned round and said he was knackered and he didn't want to do any night feeds or get the kids ready on a morning?

Would you kick him out because he doesn't meet your expectations of a good parent?

mummy I said nothing about the op's situation in regard to the pyjama comments.** I am very much obliged to go out every day to get the eldest 3 to school...maternity leave is not the same for everyone!

Happylandpirate Those talking about being grateful... Why should the OP be grateful that her partner, the children's father, is looking after his children. I chose to marry my husband because I knew what type of husband and father he would be. I'm not grateful that my husband looks after our child, house etc. That's the role of a husband and a father.

She should be bloody grateful because he does ALL of the night feeds and she does NONE.

OP comes across as utterly spoilt on this thread. She exploits totally legitimate points about men generally being expected to do less childcare, or working in an office being considered 'harder' than being at home with kids, to justify her getting an unbroken 6+ hours of sleep every night while he gets up repeatedly EVERY NIGHT, and presenting this as some sort of triumph for feminism, and doesn't even have the decency to pretend to be grateful.

waitrose I know you didn't.

Of course everyone's mat leave is different - were not talking about your Mat leave or husband though, we're talking about ops.

Hence my comment that she can wear her jamas and stay in if she wants. I'm not saying everyone can. I'm saying I can and she can,

And I was saying to the very many people saying if you're on maternity you can just chill out in pyjamas that it's not the same for everyone obviously I'm not allowed to make the opposite point to you...
Op with you some people need more sleep than others. My Husband works 14 hour days 6 days a week and he's always awake before me and the children! If you were refusing to get up it would be a different story, but he has said he likes this time with baby. I'm not sure I could do it but good for you for making it work.

Of course you can make that point. But it's not relevant to OP's situation.

The thing is should we all be grateful that our dh do childcare, or night feeds or cook dinner or no longer beat the shit out of us like our grandparents generation? I don't think so. I accept the op has a 'good un' in her dh as have I. I'm sure she is glad she chose a good man as her life partner. Her dh doesn't seem to mind. Maybe it suits him too. He gets quality time with baby and a happy wife.

Proteus we have a parent here who has CHOSEN to get up during the night, for all of the night feeds leaving the other parent get a full night sleep, unbroken.

If that parent was a woman and a mum, that would be normal. Why is it that if that parent is a man and a father, it isn't?

I agree that it's normal to be THANKSFUL (not using grateful on purpose as it seems to have this connotation of being in debt).
But both mothers and fathers shouold be thanksful for that really.
And yes, it's normal too. Woud anyone on MN bat an eye lid if a woman says she is doing all the night feeds even though she is working full time? I suspect not.

Lynnm63 "The thing is should we all be grateful that our dh do childcare, or night feeds or cook dinner or no longer beat the shit out of us like our grandparents generation? I don't think so."

This is such utter straw-man bollocks.

He is doing ALL OF THE NIGHT FEEDS. She is doing NONE OF THEM.

Yes she should be bloody grateful for that, as one would expect any man to be if his wife was doing ALL of them.

To equate it to a bare minimum standard of human behaviour such as not beating the shit out of her is insane.

HappyNevertheless "Proteus we have a parent here who has CHOSEN to get up during the night, for all of the night feeds leaving the other parent get a full night sleep, unbroken."

Why the hell is that OK - because he does it without complaining? OP has said above that she WON'T OFFER because he hasn't complained. Selfish beyond belief.

If that parent was a woman and a mum, that would be normal. Why is it that if that parent is a man and a father, it isn't?

Woud anyone on MN bat an eye lid if a woman says she is doing all the night feeds even though she is working full time? I suspect not.

Why don't you provide some sort of evidence of that? In my experience, parents SHARE the night wakings during the children's first years, as this is the worst and hardest part of being a parent to very young children.

If I knew a bloke who lay in bed seven nights a week while his wife got up TWICE EVERY NIGHT and then went to work full-time, damn right I would think he was unbelievably selfish.

If he then said "well she hasn't complained, so I'm not going to offer to help - and I'm not going to be grateful either, because they're her children" I would think he was not only unbelievably selfish but also a rude, spoiled, entitled, lazy, nasty piece of work.

It goes both ways.

Proteus you sound very angry. I never mentioned feminism. Spoilt? When the personal digs start then you know that the posters responsible are projecting their own issues. How would 'pretending' to be grateful make me decent? That makes no sense.

I am grateful that dh is a good dad. He could do the bare minimum but doesn't. He goes above and beyond.

It doesn't mean I feel in debt to him or I should worship the ground that he walks on. But I do feel grateful.

Just like he feels grateful that I happily went back to work when he found being the only earner difficult and stressful. Like he does when I get up with the kids and leave him to lie in.

Appreciation goes a long way. And when it's missing or seen as 'pointless', resentment an sneak in.

But he isn't doing it for thanks, he's doing it because its his child. He isn't doing the night feeds for her, so she has nothing to thank him for. He has chosen to do the night feeds, no-one forces him to do it at all and forgive him if I'm wrong but the op hasn't once said that if he said "can you do a night feed" she would flatly refuse. It's a partnership- someone has to do the night feeds and it works for the op and her DH that he does them. No thanks needed - in my opinion.

I'll say it again

If op worked full time and did all the night feeds and her husband did none of them you'd all think he was a selfish twat

Because it's a bloke getting up and doing it and a woman getting to sleep through its all of a sudden fine

Either way it's not fair imo

Why not do one each or one night in one night off....? That would be fair

Proteus calm down. This amount of anger towards someone you don't know isn't normal. You obviously haven't read the thread properly which means you are getting angry about things that aren't accurate which is even sillier. I'm sorry that my situation is so upsetting for you. 💐

I can kind of see why people are getting a little bit irate though Lou - you've started a chat but don't seem to be 'listening' to anyone who's thinking differently.

You could be thinking "you might have a point, I think you're wrong but I should keep an eye and check it's not getting too much for either one of us".

Instead you're sort of saying "nonsense, he's fine and that's how it should be anyway!"

And a couple of people are saying that's fantastic but make sure he truly is. NOT because he's the man or you're the woman or any of that nonsense - but because you're partners who are supposed to be supporting each other for life not just through parenting.

If he really is someone who's never bothered by lack of sleep then I'm deeply deeply jealous btw - what's the secret do you think?

Everything that mummytohpm says is spot on ^

Loulou0 "I never mentioned feminism."

Not in so many words, maybe. You've just repeatedly hauled out nonsense about how people are only impressed because he's a man, and how he should take an equal part in looking after his own kids.

Yes he should. But he's not doing an equal part, is he? He's doing ALL of the hardest part, and you're doing NONE of it. Yes, that does make you extraordinarily spoilt.

And no, of course pretending to be grateful wouldn't make you a decent person. I'm just astonished at how far you are from seeing your own unreasonableness that you don't even think you ought to pretend that you are grateful.

Spoilt? When the personal digs start then you know that the posters responsible are projecting their own issues.
Ah, an ad hominem based on knowing absolutely nothing about the person who is responding to you. No, Loulou, I'm not "projecting my own issues" - I'm lucky enough to be in a genuinely equal partnership where we both do our fair share and are both grateful to each other. It's YOUR posts that make you sound like a terribly spoilt and selfish person, I'm afraid - not my or anyone else's "projection".

Happyland "But he isn't doing it for thanks, he's doing it because its his child. He isn't doing the night feeds for her, so she has nothing to thank him for. He has chosen to do the night feeds, no-one forces him to do it at all and forgive him if I'm wrong but the op hasn't once said that if he said "can you do a night feed" she would flatly refuse. It's a partnership- someone has to do the night feeds and it works for the op and her DH that he does them. No thanks needed - in my opinion."

That's your opinion. Many others disagree. So I guess you'd say exactly the same the other way round, would you? "No one forces her to do all the night feeds" - "she's not doing it for her husband, she's doing it for the children, so why should he be grateful?" - "why should he offer to help, she's not complaining about it" - you'd say all of those happily, would you?

Merd
**Instead you're sort of saying "nonsense, he's fine and that's how it should be anyway!"

Im not, I promise. I'm genuinely interested in what people are saying. I don't think any post has been nonsense apart from the name calling. Why are people getting 'irate' though- it's just a conversation!

Sounds like a great arrangement OP. Good for you guys.

I think when you undertake joint responsibility for a 24/7 job, them every time one of you takes on some of that work tgey relieve the other one.

It doesn't matter that "he does it for his daughter".

By tgat logic, you could (and arguably should) do it all.

That's the logic of the woman doing everything for no thanks just be ause she is a mother.

There is a certain amount of wprk involved in being a parent.

The more one doez, the less the other has to do.

I'm sure as fuck grateful that DH did the school run this morning so I coukd meet a deadline.

Yes, they're his kids. But they're also mine. He did it so I didn't have to.

I'm grateful.for that.

I think jt would be weird and churlush not to be.

Proteus I'll repeat myself. Calm down. Can you explain why this is making you so nasty and angry? I'm genuinely interested.

I inherently disagree with this: I refuse to be grateful to my DH for being a great dad and husband

Being grateful ('appreciative' if you prefer) is the very essence of good manners, I'm grateful for all sorts of things my DH (and friends, family, colleagues) do for me, whether they 'should' or not.

• I'm grateful that my sister trusted me enough to open-up to me about a difficult matter.
• I'm grateful that my husband did the washing-up last night.
• I'm grateful to the woman who offered me her seat on the train this morning...

...none of these were earth shattering moments of saintliness - but each deserved gratitude and I thanked them all. So irrespective of his job vs. your job vs. each of your parental roles - he deserves your gratitude, as you deserve his.