To think what DH does is not saintly?

[Loulou0]

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

I don't get the gratitide thing at all.

No, he's not a saint, yes there are benefits to him in being so hands on.

But he sounds like a great bloke and a good chap to be parenting with.

Being grateful when someone else's work makes your life easier seems right to me.

Someone has to do those feeds. You can think it fair thst he does them and still be grateful to bim for doing it.

Autumn you are straw manning.

Yy Merd

Well said Doinit

I take your point but the idea of gratitude for a parent taking care of their baby just seems strange to me.

This seems reasonable to me - you can be appreciative of each without that necessarily being gratitude ('gratitude' to me suggests being owed something in return).

I've not read the whole thread yet, I will though.
Your DH does seem to do a lot. My DH was the same we had prem twins and took a baby each for 6 months. We passed on the stairs regularly. I was always told what a saint he was. He is but he didn't see it that way.
I think because a lot of men are not pulling their weight the ones that do stand out from the crowd.
I know if I was looking after the kids single handedly for a couple of weeks no one batted an eyelid but when dh did everyone was aren't you brilliant looking after your own kids and managing to get them to school on time dressed and fed. No one ever complemented me on that!

Re gratitude.
I think the issue is what you mean by being grateful.
You can be grateful as appreciative of the help you receive and you can thank the person who has done that even if whatever that person did is normal (eg prepare a cup of tea for you whilst they were preparing on for themselves)
Or you can be grateful as in being thankful AND in some ways indebted to the other person (which assumes they've gone out of their way to do something they didn't need to do)

I think it's OK and normal to be grateful as in thankful. There is nothing wrong about saying to someone how appreciative you are of what they are doing.
I wouldn't agree to feel grateful and indebted to DH because he has done the night shits. There is nothing special about it, you don''t own him anything for doing that and no he isn't special either.

For all of the people who says 'well he is doing a hell of a lot more than my DH so be thanksful for that' I would say:
Then change it!!
And I'm saying that as someone who had to 'fight' for her DH top step up.

I can't help wonder what the response would be if someone posted
'I am a sahm, All I would like to be appreciated

The OP isn't saying she wants to be appreciated; she's saying she's annoyed with people saying her DH is a saint.

I agree happy

You can be grateful for something but not feel indebted.

I am grateful for my health my baby my partner, I don't feel indebted to anyone or anything.

I was thankful when my oh made me a cuppa on his way out the door this morning, I don't now feel like I should do something for him when he gets home. I am just thankful he did it because it meant I didn't have to make one myself.

Yes but if my husband expected me to be grateful because he looked after our child then I would never have chosen to marry him. Being grateful because a dad feeds his children while his wife sleeps is nonsense. Same way as it's nonsense for a husband to be grateful because wife gets up at 6am and he gets up at 8am!!!!

I'm grateful when my husband does stuff because it means I don't have to do it, and vice versa. That's just good manners and common courtesy isn't it?

Highsteaks as I said in pp. I posted on here as I was bemused by others' reactions and was interested to hear from other parents. (As I
Am on most subjects regarding parenting) doesn't mean I have to agree with every one. I didn't post here to have my mind changed or to make changes , it was to listen to different opinions and have a conversation. Surely the whole point of a chat forum?

Being grateful when someone else's work makes your life easier seems right to me.

All things being equal I agree. However I am told constantly that I am 'lucky' that dh does his share. By friends, MIL etc. That's where the gratitude comments come from. You don't get blokes saying 'I'm really lucky because dw does her fair share with the kids' or 'arent you lucky dw cooks your tea'.

Nucky yes! Appreciation rather than gratitude sums it up I think

Marking my place.

All the posters saying you don't have a commute the next day and can stay in your pyjamas all day are clearly on baby number 1...

waitrose op has said that her 2 yo goes to nursery two days a week..

So she has a commute two days a week.

She could choose to stay in her jamas with the kids the other five days if she really wanted to.

You're not obliged to go out every day when you have children.

One day in a week is not going to hurt anyone.

mummytohpm, I really don't think OP means that kind of "grateful" as you describe. Of course it's nice to be appreciative of the good qualities of your partner. But OP writes that people around her think her DH is a saint. In these circumstances the "being grateful" that she is rebelling against is the expectation that she should view her DH as doing much more than would normally be expected from a parent, which he clearly is not. It's the resentment of low expectations that society has of men and of the inequality that results from it.

autumn

I get what you mean.

I don't think she should be grateful because her partner does more than what is normal.

I do think she should be grateful how I describe it, but then so should everyone!

The OP isn't saying she wants to be appreciated; she's saying she's annoyed with people saying her DH is a saint.

I never said she did.

I'm grateful when my husband goes out of his way to make my life easier or happier. For example, taking my car to be cleaned and filling it up with petrol so I don't have to, those things I'm grateful for because doing that wasn't in our wedding vows. But I won't be grateful because he can get our DD dressed, feed her, take her swimming and get the Hoover out all in a day. It's what I expected of him when we got married and the other way round.

They are not sharing the night feeds fairly. I already posted above how they can both get the exact same amount of sleep. He is doing more than his fair share and the OP is being petulant about it because lots of blokes don't do theirs.

Anyway, im out.

I am with you OP. In my circle I seem to have the only 'hands on dad' as a husband. They all think DH is a sodding saint when actually he does his share of the work looking after our household and 4 dc. He has had to do all the night time stuff for the last few years as my medication knocks me out. This apparently makes him a god. I did the first few years of night time stuff alone whilst he was working much more - that made me a mom. I'm still not sure how a mother can achieve the comparable goddess status?

I hasten to add, my DH doesn't think this of himself, luckily, or I would LTB!

Highsteaks 'petulant' really? A personal dig followed by 'I'm out'
Nice

Happyland totally with you. When my DH spends an hour queing at the tip on Sunday morning or does my ironing / brings me a coffee in bed then yes, I'm REALLY grateful. But when it comes to taking care of our kids-no.