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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
TheFairyCaravan · 31/05/2016 13:37

I couldn't have stayed sleeping 7 nights a week knowing DH was up doing night feeds. It wouldn't have mattered how much he had insisted he was fine doing it I would have felt like a selfish cow and I'd have been taking the piss.

I bf both children. DH helped in the night if I needed it. He did all the bathing when he got in from work, he played with them in the evenings and at weekends. I always got a lie in and a nap at weekends when I needed one.

SapphireStrange · 31/05/2016 13:37

But it is unusual and you should be a bit more grateful

High, these two things should be split up.

Yes, it does seem to be unusual.

That doesn't mean the OP 'should be a bit more grateful'.

It means some people's expectations of fathers seem to be depressingly low, and their expectations and judgement of mothers seem to be infuriatingly high.

Highsteaks · 31/05/2016 13:37

Highsteaks, as I explained before, counting the midnight feed as a night feed is ridiculous if one then gets to stay in bed until 8 am. An average person needs 8 hours of sleep in 24. And getting slight below this average is totally reasonable for a parent of a baby.

So why can't the OP do the midnight one then Autumn? Or the 3am one?

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 13:38

LittleBearPad, you seem to be begrudging her this enjoyment as you think that she should doing the night feeds in addition to getting up at 6 am. Nothing as enjoyable at getting up at 6 am after doing two night feeds!

Highsteaks · 31/05/2016 13:40

Highsteaks I take your point but the idea of gratitude for a parent taking care of their baby just seems strange to me.

So why did you ask on AIBU then? And like I said, I don't get why you cant do one feed each, that would seem like a 'fair safe' to me.

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 13:40

Highsteaks - ermmmm Hmm because she has to get up at 6 am (not 8!) and for her it would be a night feed.

branofthemist · 31/05/2016 13:40

is it fair that OP is stuck at home with two small children without her DH doing any of it? Is it fair that she has to get up at 6 am every single day when he can sleep in until 8 (two more hours of sleep!)? Here you have it. I think it's a totally fair trade off - one does the 3 am feed and the other gets to get up at 6 am

By the same thinking the OP doesn't want to be at home on Mat leave she can go back very soon. She doesn't have to take it all if she feels 'stuck at home'.

Maybe the dh would like to use some of her MAT leave and be the one at home for a bit. Maybe he feels he is missing out. Maybe he feels she is the lucky one.

For the record, I have been sahm and a wohm. Both are bloody hard. But in different ways. I don't get all this 'he is lucky and has it easy because he goes to work' or 'she is lucky and has it easy because she is a sahm' on these threads.

Highsteaks · 31/05/2016 13:41

fair share

Only1scoop · 31/05/2016 13:41

She could
She doesn't want to

And it seems to work for them.

Yanbu re the hero thing btw

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 13:41

This whole 'why should she be grateful' thing is bullshit.

Of course she should be grateful. I'm sorry but as a child I was told to be grateful for everything I got. I still am. I'm even grateful for the things I've worked for myself.

I don't think you should be grateful for it because it's unusual for a man to do it. That's bollocks. You should be grateful because you have a fabulous partner who is obviously a very good and loving father.

TheFairyCaravan · 31/05/2016 13:42

Proteus I DO offer , often , but he is happy to do them. Still refuse to be grateful though!

Wow! Just wow!

I'm grateful when DH, or anyone, does things because it means I don't have to.

percythepenguin · 31/05/2016 13:43

Thinking about it a bit more, OP doing the 6am feed and her DH doing the midnight feed sort of balance each other out, it probably would be a bit more fair to alternate the 3am feed so they both get unbroken sleep on alternate nights but if her DH insists and everyone is happy then it's up to them! I would kill for even one night's unbroken sleep at the minute!

Mummytodaisyandbradley · 31/05/2016 13:43

Sounds to me like it's a good equal relationship.

Being a working dad and being a stay home mum are both jobs and both hard but it sounds like there is respect on both sides, which is good

LittleBearPad · 31/05/2016 13:43

Don't be absurd Autumn. I think doing seven (or fourteen) night feeds a week is a bit all or nothing. There's nothing to say that if the OP did a 3am feed she has to still get up at 6am, her DH could.

I think it's great that this seems to be working for the OP and that's she's enjoying her mat leave. I also think that it isn't terribly fair for the DH to do all the night feeds.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 31/05/2016 13:43

I don't think he's saintly either but less is expected of men.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 31/05/2016 13:44

How well you each sleep/can get back to sleep/function without sleep is really individual as well.

Highsteaks · 31/05/2016 13:45

Ok, OP goes to bed at 10pm (normal with a newborn), having been for her run or nice bath, gets up at 3am to do feed, gets back to sleep at 3:30, wakes at 6. 7.5 hours sleep.

DH goes to bed at 12:30 after doing that feed (if we aren't calling it a night feed) wakes up at 8. 7.5 hours sleep.

Fair share.

branofthemist · 31/05/2016 13:46

I can't help wonder what the response would be if someone posted

'I am a sahm, All I would like to be appreciated but dh says he refuses to be grateful as I am simply looking after the kids, which is what a parents does'

BeckyMcDonald · 31/05/2016 13:46

I have gone back to work with all three of mine being total non-sleepers. I breastfeed, so do all night wakings. My youngest (1) is up about three-four times every night. Am I heroic? Am I fuck.

My husband has the three year old in the spare room with him all night although gets a much better sleep than me. He gets up at 6am with all of them and I lay in till 7.45am. Is he heroic? Is he fuck.

We're both just parents who split things as equally as we can.

I think the OP's husband is doing no more than his fair share. He does he nights and she does the mornings. It works in this house too.

Bee182814 · 31/05/2016 13:47

I think he is doing an awful lot more than most dads I know! And more than my DH did with DC1 and probably more than he will do with DC2. If it's working then great!

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 13:48

LittleBearPad, so why did you never say that it's not terribly fair that the OP is the one getting up at 6 am every day? Why are you focusing on what HE does and take everything SHE does for granted?

Is it because you think that childcare is a woman's job? And that a man's job in the office is so much more important than taking care of his own children?

DaveCamoron · 31/05/2016 13:50

I like how the midnight feed is not a night feed because it suits people's arguments better Grin

Happylandpirate · 31/05/2016 13:50

Those talking about being grateful... Why should the OP be grateful that her partner, the children's father, is looking after his children. I chose to marry my husband because I knew what type of husband and father he would be. I'm not grateful that my husband looks after our child, house etc. That's the role of a husband and a father. Anyone outside of the household - I.e my DM, MIL etc who helps out I'm extremely grateful but not my husband - he does what I expect from a husband and a father otherwise I wouldn't have married him. It works both ways by the way too, he isn't grateful when I do the weekly shop or turn on the washing machine, isn't that just family life!!

branofthemist · 31/05/2016 13:51

happy because a little appreciation goes a long way.

Merd · 31/05/2016 13:53

Because we should be grateful for our blessings.

Life is short, not everyone has a partner let alone a reliable one, and the op is therefore in a privileged position whether it should be or not.

I'm grateful every day to DH for regular stuff he does and if we're ever lucky enough to have a baby I'll be grateful for everything then too.

Thanks and praise and kindness and compassion were in short supply when I was a child and I'd want to create that environment for my child as much as me and DH.