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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think what DH does is not saintly?

896 replies

Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 06:24

We have a toddler and a newborn. I'm on maternity leave, DH is back at work full time. DH does the night feeds. Roughly at midnight and 3am. Our baby will then wake up around 6ish and I get up with him for the day. Toddler joins us shortly after and DH sleeps until about 8. We get the kids ready together and he leaves for work about 9. DH does his desk job all day, I look after our kids. I make dinner in the evening and DH puts our toddler to bed while I have some time to myself, I normally go for a run or have a bath etc.

This seems fair to me. Others (friends with kids, my DM) think DH is some kind of Saint and that I am 'so lucky!' And that I 'should be grateful'

Aibu to think that he's just doing his share and nothing particularly special??

OP posts:
Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 13:20

Highsteaks a mug?? Really?

OP posts:
Buckinbronco · 31/05/2016 13:23

Yes that's fair enough. Lou Lou. But that doesn't mean he's not going above and beyond what you might expect from a working partner (male or female) when one can stay at home, and the whole point of your thread is you don't think he is.

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 13:23

if you really want to plonk the toddler in front of the telly all day and not even bother getting out of your PJs then that is an option

All day?!

Not one of my toddlers would be occupied by the TV for mlre than an bour without getting extremely cranky and bored.

I pretty much had to get thrm out of the house everybday, preferably twice, or they would totally lose their shit.

I would still struggle to convince them to spend the entire day indoors watching TV in their pyjamas and the youngest is 3 now.

To me the fabled MN duvet day is as laighable as the spa day.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 13:24

Buckinbronco of course they do, I was making the point that it's not a physical/manual job. DH tells me that he can do his job well despite the nightfeeds so I take him at his word!

OP posts:
AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 13:24

I seriously despair. How will we ever achieve equality when 2/3 of women think that a grown healthy man is going to fall apart at work after doing one sodding night feed and getting up at 8 am?

Thousands and thousands of women across the land do it for months and even years. Nobody ever gives them a medal for it. But men - nooo, how can they possibly do it? They won't be able to concentrate! Poor darlings. Being so fragile must make their life hell. Really, how do they manage to run the world if they don't have the stamina for night feeds?

DoinItFine · 31/05/2016 13:25

Some of us are capable than far more than mindless attention after 7 hours sleep with one break.

LittleBearPad · 31/05/2016 13:25

I'm amazed he gets to leave at 9am and be home for bedtime. Does he work next door??

Highsteaks · 31/05/2016 13:25

Yes, but your AIBU centres around whether people think he is a 'saint' and you should be grateful, not whether he should be doing it in the first place. You say you would take over if necessary but at the same time you say that he is just doing his fair share and its what is to bs expected.

I can't believe e you get a full night's sleep every night with a newborn and are not grateful for this!

Merd · 31/05/2016 13:25

That sounds like catching up on lost sleep rather than time to himself though. I don't think he's being a saint but he does sound like a really good dad and could maybe use some personal time.

Yes - I don't think he's a living saint, just a loving parent. But I do know I've pushed my DH too hard sometimes by assuming he's happy with something by his lack of complaints, or half hearted "I'm fine" replies and actually later on I've found he could have done with more help and I've felt bad about it.

So as long as you're really sure he's ok doing it all (up periodically every night + work all day) then that's fine.

As an aside to you all, I think that loving parents of either gender are pretty heroic. Flowers

LittleBearPad · 31/05/2016 13:27

Autumn I don't think anyone us arguing he shouldn't do any night feeds - but all of them, really. Isn't that just as unfair as the mum doing them all.

Highsteaks · 31/05/2016 13:27

I seriously despair. How will we ever achieve equality when 2/3 of women think that a grown healthy man is going to fall apart at work after doing one sodding night feed and getting up at 8 am?

He does 2 night feeds. And why can't the OP do at least one of them?

ProteusRising · 31/05/2016 13:28

There are obviously some genuine reasons why some dps don't do night feeds but on the whole it seems as though they just don't want to lose any sleep. This doesn't make any sense - when a couple has a new baby surely they both expect to be knackered for a year? I refuse to be grateful to my DH for being a great dad and husband. Likewise, I don't expect him to be grateful to me for being a great mum and wife

So you both work all day, one in an office and one at home with the kids.

But one of you does ALL of the night feeds and the other one does NONE. And you 'refuse to be grateful' for that?

And you won't offer to do your fair share, because he hasn't complained?

Nice.

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 13:30

LittleBearPad, is it fair that OP is stuck at home with two small children without her DH doing any of it? Is it fair that she has to get up at 6 am every single day when he can sleep in until 8 (two more hours of sleep!)? Here you have it. I think it's a totally fair trade off - one does the 3 am feed and the other gets to get up at 6 am.

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 13:30

Buckinbronco no, you're right, I don't think he's going 'above and beyond' I think he's a great dad and husband but that's it!

OP posts:
mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 13:32

If this was the other way round and op was a working mum who got up and did the night feeds and her DH was a stay at home dad I'm fairly sure most of the replies would be posters saying what a selfish bastard her DH was for having a full nights sleep while op got up and then went to work full time.

I think it's selfish. They should be shared. Why can't you do one each. You're BOTH having to get up and do something during the day. Yes his job is 'easy' but I don't think that means that he should do all the waking up!

percythepenguin · 31/05/2016 13:32

To be fair if the baby is only up at midnight and 3 and he gets to sleep from 3 to 5 it's still a reasonable night's sleep and I'm sure more that a lot of people who work full time and have small children get! My DS is 7 months, wakes at least every 2 hours and I'm working 830-6 three days a week in a mentally demanding job, I'm breastfeeding so am still doing all the night-feeds but I manage!

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 13:32

Proteus I DO offer , often , but he is happy to do them. Still refuse to be grateful though!

OP posts:
NuckyT · 31/05/2016 13:32

It's all about balance and looking after each other's welfare, as well as the welfare of the child. I did a lot of night feedings when DCs needed them, and also worked full-time with a long commute (leaving the house at 7am). DW and I didn't have any set pattern or rota - sometimes it was just whoever happened to wake up first! I'm a rubbish sleeper, and often can't get back to sleep once woken up, so it usually just made good sense for me to do it if I was going to be awake anyway.

The only thing I would change about those days are lie-ins. I always got up first at weekends and took DC(s) through the house so DW could get a lie-in, so DW got at least two long lies per week to my 'none'. Still, this was usually my choice, and I do have good memories of watching the 2011 Rugby World Cup (held in NZ, so games kicked off at 5.30am) with DC1 gurgling and fussing on my lap.

I'm rather envious of everyone who thinks looking after two children isn't as hard as a cushy office job. Can we swap kids please?

I work a relatively low level managerial job, and after DW went to PT hours I worked compressed hours so that I got two days at home with DCs and worked three days on long hours (had to give that up for a couple of reasons) - my days home with DCs were much less stressful than days in the office.

AutumnMadness · 31/05/2016 13:32

Highsteaks, as I explained before, counting the midnight feed as a night feed is ridiculous if one then gets to stay in bed until 8 am. An average person needs 8 hours of sleep in 24. And getting slight below this average is totally reasonable for a parent of a baby.

branofthemist · 31/05/2016 13:34

My dh is a great hands on dad and I would say he does at least 50% around the house and with the kids.

And do you know what? I am grateful. When he cooks tea, he gets a thank you. Like he thanks me when I make sure his best suit is clean for his next meeting. He does all the cooking and I wash all the clothes. It's how we like it. I am still appreciative that he cooks dinner everyday.

The OPs dh may be happy doing loads. But resentment will start creeping in when she refuses to be grateful. How many sahms post that they don't feel appreciated and a bit of appreciation would go a long way?

mummytohpm · 31/05/2016 13:34

For what it's worth I am vey grateful for my partner being a good dad and partner (and he doesn't even do the effing night feeds) and he is grateful for me being a good mum and partner.

He's grateful when I clean the house and cook his tea and I'm grateful when he does it.

I don't see the big thing of just 'expecting' shit.

Summerblaze100 · 31/05/2016 13:35

He's doing his fair share, maybe more as you are on maternity leave. My DH is the same although I do work part time but all my friends think he's fab as he does so much more than their DH's. It makes me proud that I have such a good one. Xx

LittleBearPad · 31/05/2016 13:35

Autumn I don't think anywhere the OP has suggested she considers herself to be 'stuck at home'. She seems to be enjoying her mat leave with her son's which is great.

Happylandpirate · 31/05/2016 13:35

I haven't read all the replies but my husband absolutely despises the term "great dad" or "fantastic father" he would be annoyed if anyone called him saintly. We both work full time and both work gruelling shifts. We have a 4 year old DD and I'm currently 5 months pregnant. We both share the running of the house equally, in fact due to my pregnancy and an illness I have to say he does much more housework and looking after our 4 year old than me and I'm the first to admit it BUT he doesn't do it coz he has to, he doesn't do it coz he wants to.. He just does it, he says it's called being a husband and a father. OP if your husband wants to do the night feeds then let him and don't be made to feel guilty or that you owe him anything. It's a partnership and the only time you would be unreasonable is if you ever refused to do them if he told you he was tired or ill, for example, and he asked if you would mind doing them!

Original poster
Loulou0 · 31/05/2016 13:36

Highsteaks I take your point but the idea of gratitude for a parent taking care of their baby just seems strange to me.

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