Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

How rude of the invited guests.
A wedding is far more than just the meal.
Vegan food is delicious and I say that as an non vegan.

I think it was the right thing to put the information about food on the invites. In my experience it's quite normal for it to be mentioned on the invites. Much better you have this fuss now than on the day.

The relatives who are refusing to come are being ridiculous, so much so that it seems an excuse to make a fuss/point rather than a genuine inability to go without eating animal products for one meal. Entirely up to you DD and her fiancé to serve only vegan food if that's their wish.

Surprised to see so many posters calling vegan food not 'normal food' - seriously, it's just food and can be done well or badly just as any other cooking can be.

( incidentally, I went to a wedding a couple of years ago which served vegan Indian food only. It was delicious, by far the best wedding catering I've ever tasted!)

What's on the menu?

OK, seems weird to me. None of my family and friend can tell the difference, 6 French meat eaters so far. And they weren't being polite because I didn't tell them in advance and they had never heard of Quorn or vegetarian nuggets (it's not a thing in France).
Hdoor, there are 2 types of chicken nuggets at McDs, 1 has a meat texture and the other doesn't. Perhaps it's only meat as they claim (which I doubt) but there are other fillers too like starch and oil.

I don't think it was unreasonable to include the fact that it was a vegan wedding on the invitation. I would prefer guests to moan now, and not come, rather than kick up a stink on the day. Most invites I have received recently include the menu anyway, so that you can pre select which of three choices you want.

I think it is very unreasonable of guests to refuse to come because of the food, and to give that as a reason.

I can though understand their annoyance that your DD has previously made clear that she expects vegan food to be provided at events relatives have catered for. She may find that isn't the case in the future.

OP, your DD needs to change her expectations, if you haven't got a massive family, loads of workmates and friends, then your wedding isn't going to be 150+.

Mine was very small, we're both second generation immigrants, me outside of the EU, him SI, he worked away, which meant no work colleagues, it was a great day and night, less organisation, chance of fights etc.

I'm Vegan and it would be difficult to find a true, good Vegan caterer, who could supply a meat dish, they generally won't chance cross contamination, in the kitchen etc.

TBF, my youngest DD and my previous DH would decline the meal and depending what it is, so might others, but they'd come to the Ceremony.

You've said that you don't think that it's really about the meal, they're making a point, so there's nothing you can do to get passed this, you've just got to let it go.

It's better that the drama has happened now and not on the day.

kathycraig79
There may be another reason though

So its probably part of a larger issue?

Your poor daughter.

My take on it is that the guests should be told to fuck off as they have proved they are not interested in her and her wedding and just in eating some free rubber chicken.

It was a mistake to put the catering on the invites - vegan food is not scary and anyone who you thought might kick off on the day faced with a vegan meal should not have been invited in the first place for the reasons stated above.

And 40 is a great number for a wedding - I had about 24 and it was ideal as DH and I actually got to spend time with each person, all of whom we really really wanted there and they wanted to be there too with us - wedding days are busy for the couple and it was lovely being able to talk to all our friends and family on the day. You also get better food when it is catered for smaller numbers

Finally I would suggest you take a step back and get your daughter's fiance to step up with the planning - it's 50% his wedding too and he should be taking the lead role in supporting her and planning the wedding with her.

Complete mistake writing this on the invite. Unfortunately too many people eat meat 3x a day and think a meal is not a meal unless it has meat in it.

Your poor daughter has just found out she has invited arseholes who prioritise filling their bellies with meat over watching her wedding celebration - how sad. Family members - wow!

I'm not a fan of sandwich/cake and hog roast weddings - however I am going to share my friends celebration, not to fill my tummy!

Btw the best wedding food I have ever had was at an Indian vegetarian wedding - many guests ate meat - the meal was amazing.

I'd be tempted, if I was your dd, to change the wedding. Spend the same amount of money but on good friends and have a cracking couple of days incorporating ceremony and celebrating with those who genuinely care.

What bizarre people to refuse to come because of the food.

They are very rude and ignorant. Well rid of those lot, I reckon.

And are there really people who kick off actually at weddings about the food? I mean, I could understand it if there were Muslim/Jewish guests and a big slab of pork was served up.

But otherwise, surely it's great to be part of an occasion like this.

Tell them to feck off and I wouldn't bother with those people any more.

OP - out of interest, what is the menu? As others have said, it may be worth telling people what the menu is in advance because it will hopefully assuage their fears that there will be nothing nice for them to eat.

TBH, I think the guests' views probably stem from ignorance - they don't properly appreciate what vegan food can be like. I can also see that there may be some slightly justified resentment if your daughter and her fiancé obviously buy and cater for non-vegans at home (given that he is NOT vegan) so the argument that they don't want to spend their money on non-vegan food perhaps appears a little less compelling than it would otherwise be.

I am going to a vegetarian wedding this year and I would have felt awkward if my vegetarian friends had felt that they should provide a meat or fish option for their guests. However, I probably would be slightly less enthusiastic about a vegan menu unless I knew what it entailed - I really dislike tofu and most meat substitutes, for example, and I think it is quite difficult to come up with a single vegan menu that everyone will like. Most weddings have at least two options for each course - will your daughter be providing a choice or will she expect everyone to eat the same thing? I think it is only polite as a host (even with only vegan food) to provide at least two choices for any meal and obviously to cater for dietary requirements.

I am not a vegan or a vegetarian. However, I am a grown up and do not throw my rattle out of the pram when asked to have a vegan meal.

Saying "vegan food is not nice" is just ridiculous - nobody would ever dream of making a sweeping statement such as "dishes containing meat are not nice" because we know that so much depends on the recipe and the skill of the chef. As the OP says they have hired vegan caterers it's a fair bet that these people are very skilled in producing vegan food and will produce a tasty menu.

Makes me laugh too that vegan food is "just vegetables". Vegan wedding menus can be just as varied as other menus, especially if the OP's daughter uses dairy substitutes. There is so much tasty vegan food out there that I'd be happy to eat, and my kids would eat too.

One of my pet hates is fussy eaters as adults - get over yourselves and try something new.

I think this is a good way of weeding out the undesirables from the guest list!
If consuming flesh is so important to you that you can't have one meal without it then I (as a vegetarian) wouldn't want you at my wedding either.

Must these people have bits of animal carcass in every mouthful?
Do they have meat for breakfast, meat in puddings, meat powder stirred into all drinks?

""I can though understand their annoyance that your DD has previously made clear that she expects vegan food to be provided at events relatives have catered for. ""

The OP has stated that there hasn't been any events.

It doesn't compare, you can't make a meat eater Ill, or compromise their beliefs because you've prepared Vegetables in the kitchen (allergies aside).

Maybe your daughter should rethink her wedding; take all catering OFF, just have a wedding ceremony and a champagne toast - and that's the end of the celebration as far as guests are concerned.

I think there is great expectation on guests - and the bride and groom - and both place too much on other people. The guests don't want to come to a vegan reception and your daughter won't budge - so take the food out of the equation altogether.

I can understand the guests not wanting to come; I like vegan food, lots don't. If they're being 'held in attendance', it's not as if they can go somewhere else for food they can/will eat, is it?

Your daughter doesn't get to control what other people do and she needs to remember that and decide whether attendance is important or providing food is. The food is unnecessary.

Sorry for your stress though, your daughter and fiance should sort this out between them and not expect you to do it.

OK, seems weird to me. None of my family and friend can tell the difference, 6 French meat eaters so far. And they weren't being polite because I didn't tell them in advance and they had never heard of Quorn or vegetarian nuggets (it's not a thing in France).

So as not to continue to derail the thread I've started one in chat.

glassgarden, what an odd post. Vegan excludes dairy as well so it's not a question of 'needing a mouthful of flesh'...

McDonalds don't have 2 types of nuggets! Just the one with chicken.

If you hadn't put it on the invites the rellies may have come but you can bet they'd have soured the day with their moaning. So this way is better.

OP - if they were only coming for the free lunch and a party paid for by someone else, then they really don't give a shit about your DD or you. Stop giving them duty invites to stuff.

40 people who care about her vs 50 when 10 are only there for the day out isn't much of a difference. If I was you, just tell your DD that you never get 100% attendance at a wedding, 40 is a lovely number and just carry on arranging the day they want. If other people decline because of the food and tell you, just tell your DD they have declined. She doesnt need the drama.

As a vegetarian I generally dislike the choices a meat eater would make for me. They are generally pastry heavy and dry, some kind of roasted veg served with veg or something spicy with beans. There are many perfectly normal meals that are either vegan or vegetarian but people happily eat them because they are not labelled as such.

The meat and two veg brigade- if that is all they eat literally on a daily basis- are just as proscriptive but seem to think they are easier to cater to.

As everyone else has said - it's ONE meal ffs. Complete over-reaction. Nobody goes to a wedding for the food. I've even been to an alcohol-free wedding (Methodists), and while that was something of a trial, nobody died and we all went to a nightclub afterwards.

Some of the language in this thread is a bit OTT, describing meat as 'flesh' and chicken nuggets as having skin and bones in them. I'm guessing that people who use that kind of language are vegans

They sound incredibly rude and looking for an excuse not to come. Had they been genuinely concerned about catering they would have probed further and tried to work around it, not been dismissive. Agree 40 is still a good number. If not could she include some of the 100 or so not on the guest list.

I am vegan so I know how she feels and I am disgusted that people that have been thought highly enough of to be invited to her wedding do not think enough of her to attend due to their bloody stomachs. Horrible people.