Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

They've been invited and declined. You can now say 'Thank Goodness' to your daughter and get on with enjoying the wedding with the people who are coming. The others will just end up feeling stupid and redundant/out of things.

Your poor daughter, as if planning a wedding wasn't stressful enough!

The guests refusing to attend over this are outrageously rude and I would be retracting the invites if I was in her place, not thinking about pandering to their bad manners.

If your daughter decides to cancel because the numbers no longer fit the venue then I think you should support that decision, and do whatever you can to make it easier on her to come up with another set of plans so the day still feels special for her.

If any of my relatives or inlaws made my Dd have to cancel her wedding plans because they couldn't deal with one meal not exactly to their tastes ... Not only would I have to tell them how furious I was and how petty they are, I don't think I could have a normal family relationship with them after that. Unbelieveably rude.

Completely ridiculous.

And totally narrow minded of people (I'm looking at you, milkandtwosugars) to say ALL vegan food is crap. I'm a lover of all things meat, fish and dairy but frequently eat meals with none of those things in without even noticing. The cuisines of Italy, the Middle East and India in particular are full of great, delicious vegan options.

OP, your family sound like they don't want to come and won't be missed anyway. I wouldn't be giving them the option to "come anyway because it's just an empty threat", I'd be replying graciously to their decline notes and getting on with planning for a slightly smaller wedding without people who are so selfish and narrow minded that they won't attend because of a meal they think they might not like.

Incidentally, what's on the menu??

We had 24 adult guests, including us, and no disco.

6 years on relatives still come up to us at parties and say it's the best wedding they've ever been to.

I wonder if they suspect the vegan mention on the invite is code for the type of wedding it's going to be? Slideshow from Peta for after dinner entertainment, lectures on the virtues of veganism?

I have to say I'd be wary of what vegan mass catering would taste like but not so much as to be a total twat about it.

This reminded me of a study week I once attended where lunch was catered. Without telling us in advance the organisers booked a vegan caterer (because it made things easier around halal/kosher/veggie/lactose intolerant etc).

The first day we descended on the food with enthusiasm - it really was delicious. On Tuesday we were surprised to see that the choices were pretty much the same, just chickpeas substituted for haricot beans or parsley for coriander- that level of change. Wednesday there were audible groans as we entered the dining room. On Thursday only about half the delegates went for lunch (I went to Gourmet Burger Kitchen) and by Friday only about 25 of the 180 attendees ate the food provided - they all came away with huge catering tubs of left overs.
The food was good, but it was all too similar. But for one wedding lunch it would be lovely.

Your DD is not being remotely unreasonable to want only vegan food at her wedding. It would conflict with the ethics of any vegan to provide and pay for meat or animal products for guests.

Invitees who refuse to come because of vegan food: good riddance. They wouldn't have this reaction if they held any genuine affection for the bride to be so their reaction shows that they shouldn't be there.

Your DD shouldn't be trying to think of ways to bump up the numbers though. A small wedding of people who genuinely care for her is much better than a banqueting hall stuffed to the rafters with people who don't care about you and are only there for the free coq au vin.

they are fed up having to make concessions for my daughter and provide vegan food

They don't like her very much do they? I'm happy to make happy the people I care about and take on board the things that are important to them in doing so.

I do think your DD IBU in considering cancelling the wedding though. That only needs her, her fiancé and two witnesses. Does she want a wedding or a marriage?

Well your daughter now knows who her friends are. They will be there to see her get married. The guests who won't come were rude.
We had friends do an alcohol free wedding, they don't drink ever, it was a lovely weeding and everyone who came had a great time. No need to get tipsy to enjoy yourself, same goes for food, no need for meat to eat a good meal.

I am astonished at how ungrateful and ill mannered these so called friends are.

I have attended several weddings of friends from different countries and cultures - frequently the meal has included things I have never encountered before, but I have always eaten and appreciated everything. It is just rude and ignorant to do anything else.

That's the thing PurpleDaisies, chicken nuggets don't have a chicken meat texture as they are also made with mashed up skin and cartilage. I have had them at same meal than McDonald's chicken nuggets and they were extremely similar. I am not doubting you can tell the difference but most meat eaters can't, particularly if they have never had them

McD's chicken nuggets are chicken breast, not minced at all. No mashed up skin and cartilage, and totally different from anything with a minced mushy texture.

I like vegan food a lot, but I do hate when vegan evangilists lie about meat to try and make their point. There is no need for it, and it just makes you look very silly.

A big point that everyone seems to be missing is that wedding food is invariably terrible anyway, who goes to a wedding for the food?

blacklist I don't know where you're getting your evidence that most people can't tell the difference between fake and real meat. In my experience (and that of everyone I know who eats both) the texture is just not the same. It is a massive risk to take to lie to the guests and say they're getting a meat option when they aren't and then someone notices.

You're also wrong about chicken nuggets automatically containing nasty bits like skin and cartilage.

Those saying the bride is being U for thinking of cancelling because they only need the two of them and 2 witnesses...from what I understand, OP, she isn't thinking of cancelling the marriage over this, just this specific wedding at this specific venue- correct?

You clearly know it was a mistake to put it on the invite. The guests are being extremely rude. Just forget about it and move on with the fun plans. Confirm numbers nearer the time and don't get dragged into any debate about it. It sounds like the people who really care about the couple are coming and that is the main thing.

Just make sure there's plenty of food.

These whingers are certainly making it clear they don't actually like your DD much. Better all round that they're not there, given how rude they're being.

I think it's better for the DD to stick to her guns, here.

I can't see a problem with it being mentioned on the invitations & don't think that it should be changed for the guests who are complaining.

That they have declined the invitation should just be accepted imo.

I find it odd that the BG would like a compromise but that hasn't happened & it is all your daughter's way.

But it's done now & she should just accept that some people won't be there.

Disappointing when it hits you that not every one thinks that your wedding is the event of the year, but at the end of the day she'll be married no matter who is there-& that's the point of the day!

Surely this is good? No one would want rude unsupportive people at their wedding anyway, and this series of events has flushed them out and ensured they won't be there (no doubt making a fuss about the menu as they would have done had they not known in advance). Result!

I can't stress enough how much your dd should carry on and have the wedding she wants without the nasty idiots. Do not let them attend now, under any circumstances.

They are choosing to miss your dd wedding because they have no fucking manners and are happy to be rude to your child on the biggest day of her life so far.

Accept their declines and carry on with the wonderful people you have asked to come.

I agree with the comments about at least knowing who the arseholes are and clearing them out of your lives right from the start.

My brother is getting married this summer. The catering is Morrocan (sp?). Ds2 is a ridiculously restricted eater- we've worked with a psychologist, he is getting better, but he's still insanely hard to cater for. There is not one single thing on the wedding menu that he will eat. Far from throwing a tantrum over it we have said thank you for letting us know so we can plan to bring a lunchbox of things he will eat. I'm astonished that anyone would be so rude as to do otherwise. If someone can't go one meal without animal products I feel a bit sorry for them tbh. You are not going to die if you don't have meat, eggs or dairy for a few hours!

Can this be true?

You know a lot of twats, OP

My daughter thought that 50 people was too small (compared with what she wanted - 150-200

And yet now she's had 10 refusals she has no other friends to invite? Where was she going to get the 150-200 from?

Imagine going to all the expense of catering to these animals who sit there with faces on, and would bitch about it all?

Now your dd only needs spend money on people who are worth it.

Generally I would say just be grateful that you don't have to pay for these very rude people to attend a wedding they clearly don't care about. More money to spend on other things! If any of the declines are from people the bride really cares about having there then you could speak to them and tell them what they food will be and reassure them that it isn't too scary or weird and suggest that if they are still concerned they could either bring some sandwiches or come for the ceremony and evening do only.

It was a mistake to put it on the menu (only "requirement" if any would've been a request to inform of any dietary requirements and eating meeting isn't a requirement ) but it's done now.

So, look on it as a positive. It means that your dd will only have people at her wedding who want to be there, rather than those who want a free meal.

40 is not much different to 50 in terms of "feel" - but it does mean that if she and her fiancé wanted to invite more true friends, they can. Win win

However, you say that you think that these family members are just trying to manipulate and hassle you into offering a menu choice. You need to make a decision about whether, if your dd rightly stands by her principles and doesn't offer alternatives, they change their mind and decide they want to come after all. Will there still be room for them or are you strong enough to say, "Sorry, the numbers were changed/sorry, we invited other people in your stead after you declined"?

And YABU for bring pissed off at your dd for standing by her principles.