Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

Wow.

If I turned down every invitation I've had because of a dodgy vegetarian option at a "meat" wedding I'd never go! I was once given chips. Just chips.

How incredibly rude and incredibly weird. Being vegan doesn't involve only eating seeds or something. Sadly some people don't have the intellect to understand a meat free diet.

Yes, I agree with the majority saying that the guests are being unreasonable in expecting meat. They are also being unreasonable in saying that as they have provided vegan food for her, she should provide meat for them as it isn't the same thing at all.

However, what surprises me is that the man she is marrying isn't vegan. Now surely that must mean that some non vegan food enters her house, possibly comes out of their joint income, perhaps is cooked on with the same pans/utensils etc. It must be very laborious to have each person cooking their own food so that one can have meat and one can have vegan. Well, I'm getting away from the point now but I think what I'm trying to say is that I do find it a little bit odd that she is being strict in following her beliefs for her wedding but then is actually marrying someone who isn't vegan and therefore, if she is happy for her money to be spent on food to his liking at home (be it meat or perhaps he is vegetarian) then why isnt she happy to do it for the wedding?

Conclusion: I still think you go to a wedding to celebrate and not to be concerned with what is on the menu (unless you are vegetarian/kosher/vegan/halal/whatever and you are being told the only option is something you cant eat).

Meat is flesh, what's wrong with calling it that?

Your DD isn't unreasonable to have a vegan wedding and the guests are rude to refuse the invitation on the basis of thr food.

However she would be very unreasonable to cancel her wedding because there will be 40 people there. If there's no one else she wants to invite then how was she going to have 150-200. It makes no sense.

Oh, and the poster who said that falafel is awful - I can only assume you have only ever had the 'falafel' from supermarket packets or the weird ones they sell in health food shops. Falafel is one of the best foods EVER!

Dave meat is flesh though.

If I was the daughter from the op I would say "great, thanks for letting me know you consider getting a slab of meat more important than my wedding. I shall donate the money saved on your meal to an Animal Rights charity"
But then I don't think I know anyone who would make such a fuss over the lack of meat at a party!
I'm going to a vegan BBQ this afternoon, looking forward to it!!

Nothing, glassgarden but your post is misleading because you're referencing people as not being about to do without meat when vegan food means NO dairy either. For some people, this is drastic.

I've been to a vegan wedding, I knew beforehand and wasn't relishing the idea of the food. It was very pulse heavy and really wasn't to my or anyone one else my table of 10 taste but we were there for the bride and groom so sucked it up. So in that respect the guests Abu.

However Im slightly shocked that no one else has really commented on the fact that your dd fiance isn't vegan and actually doesn't see the problem with providing options... it's about both of them not just dd.

I don't think it was a mistake at all including it in the invite.
I'm not a fan of vegan and I admit there is a good chance I'd pick at the meal, however, having been told beforehand gives me the chance to put a quick snack in my handbag to tide me over.
It wouldn't put me off attending though.

davecamoron meat is flesh. Fish is also meat / flesh.
I'm not a vegetarian btw.

byjim - that was me, and yes it was from a health food shop type place! I'm prepared to be re-educated, where should I get from or is there a recipe I should give to my mum 'cause she's a brilliant cook try?

I'm weird anyway though. I don't like "vegan food", but give me a plate full of just vegetables and I'd happily polish the lot off. Probably have seconds too!

However Im slightly shocked that no one else has really commented on the fact that your dd fiance isn't vegan and actually doesn't see the problem with providing options... it's about both of them not just dd.

From the op's posts it's her and the daughter planning the wedding...

I love meat, I love vegetarian food, I just can't stand quorn or meat substitutes. I don't know much about vegan food but I'm game for anything and I'm sure it would be inventive and delicious;

Meat being called flesh is like calling it dead bodies or carcasses - just an emotive way that a vegetarian would talk about meat and rather unnecessary IMHO.

I agree the non attending guests are very rude but I imagine it's coming from a point of ignorance whereby they think they will be munching on a lettuce leaf and quorn mince.

I think you were right to put it on the invite - at least it stops a problem on the day.

Lying but it isn't that drastic!
As people pointed out upthread, there are plenty of meals people eat that are vegan, but it doesn't even occur to them!

Chips are vegan ffs. As are lots of Indian type foods and I don't think many people would complain about a lovely curry.
Pasta, sauces, stews, shepherds pie etc can all be vegan.

Some people seem to think a vegan meal consists of plates of raw veg and mounds of chickpeas.

I'm vegetarian, and for my own wedding probably would just stick to having an awesome veggie option on the menu, and more veggie than non veggie buffet food (no hog roast!). This is for various reasons, but mainly because my close family would be awkward about it. It wouldn't bother me to have a meat and a fish choice for guests. However, if I did choose to have a vegetarian wedding and told people and they said they wouldn't come because of that, I wouldn't want them there, and I certainly wouldn't go back on my decision.

I did a vegan roast last week, nut roast, all the veg and trimmings, including lovely gravy.
Who on earth could object to that?

It would depend for me, on the location. If it was somewhere I could quietly sneak out and visit mcdonalds or somewhere for a sandwich then I would go. If not then I would decline but certainly wouldn't give that as the reason, I would just say I had another engagement or had to work. But then I am hugely fussy with food. I will eat most things meat or pasta based but the taste of veg makes me retch. The only veg I can stomach is runner beans or petite pois if I swallow them whole so I don't taste them. Add to that the fact that I HAVE to eat a proper meal 3 times a day to help prevent my pain meds from shredding my stomach, it would just be too much faff, especially for someone I wasn't close to and who expected everyone to cater for her choices but won't for anyone else. Sounds like my idea of a shit day tbh.

I would just go and not make a fuss and think your invitees are being twonks and just a tad rude but...

Has your daughter made a song and dance about her choices when going to others houses ?

How am I idiotic?

Maybe the fiancé doesn't eat meat at home it's not unusual - I know a few people that aren't vegetarian but rarely eat meat. It's probably easier when he or she is cooking just to cook one meal for both of them.

Rarely do I look forward to the food at a wedding, if I had received this invite I would be excited about the food (I am not vegan btw).

Starry, don't you think not eating vegetables at all is a bit of an extreme position? It's entirely your choice obviously, but I don't think it's really the norm.

Has your daughter made a song and dance about her choices when going to others houses?

It does rather sound as though she has. And the old joke about "How do you tell if someone's a vegan? Don't worry, they'll tell you" might mean she hasn't been discreet about it.

Firstly I've only skim read the thread but have read all the op's posts.

kathycraig I don't think your Dd is being unreasonable here. It's their day. Their choice.

We are meat eaters. But sent out invites for our wedding and asked for any dietary requirements. Out of 100 guests we had 40 replies back with specific requirements (vegan veggie no lamb no fish no Brazil nuts no nuts no chocolate fresh fruit only to name a few) we catered specifically for those with allergies (nuts and shellfish) and the veggies and vegans. The rest just didn't like whatever they'd put on the invite (fresh fruit lamb etc).

Our veggie was annoyed because she was served a delicious looking Thai style veggie curry and rice (I was a big jealous of that!) same as the vegan. The veggie doesn't eat vegetables only plain pasta/rice and quorn (but hadn't told us that so we could pass it on to the caterers).

my first thought re vegan food for a wedding was that it maybe wouldn't be substantial enough to soak up a lot of wine. But I wouldn't refuse to go because of it. And depending on the menu I'd be excited to try it. (As it wouldn't be veggie no danger of there being goats cheese which I hate!!)

At the end of the day it's your daughter and fiances choice. And if people don't want to come because of it that's their choice. I wouldn't push for her to change her mind.