Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

I thought it was quite normal to send out a menu with invitations, y'know so people can choose vegetarian option or whatnot

For me the thought of vegan food is quite grim. Someone mentioned falafel or vegetable curry both of which are vile! I have never come across a vegan dish I've liked.

Personally I would decline because I wouldn't eat and then I'd have a seizure due to lack of food. But I wouldn't tell you why I was declining, that is rude.

One other thought though - has your daughter ever refused to go somewhere because of menu choice, or made a song and dance about the fact that she's vegan?

Hey if she needs more guests I'm sure some of us here are up for it! I love a wedding!
I can utterly understand why she couldn't be betraying her principles on this most important day.
And anyone who insists on eating animal products has most likely got enough spare body fat to keep them going throughout the afternoon even if they don't eat.
(Imagine people throwing a strop because a Muslim or Jewish wedding wasn't serving pork.)
Just put some meaty treats in your handbag/pocket if you really need a meat high

I have had quorn chicken nuggets and lots of other meat replacement products. As I said before, I really like them but they are not indistinguishable from the real thing. The texture isn't the same.

Actually OP, scratch my last post. I've just read that you've never been especially close to those whingers anyway. With that in mind, where's the dilemma here? On one hand there's your lovely daughter, wanting to celebrate her love for her partner with a personal expression of their lives together, and on the other hand a bunch of selfish, backwards whingers who are more interested in some free grub. Uuuurgh. Please don't risk your relationship with your daughter by pandering to that awful lot. So forget about smoothing their feathers; tell your daughter that you're right behind her, tell them that you're so sorry to hear that they can't make the big day, move on and have a lovely wedding day!

If I was your daughter, I'd use this as an opportunity to invite more friends tbh. I would much rather have my friends at my wedding than miserable family members.

Although, to be honest I can see where they are coming from. It's hassle to accommodate other people's dietary requirements and I would be pissed off that it wasn't reciprocated. In this instance it costs your daughter nothing and is no hassle to her whatsoever to provide for everyone. She's trying to impose her choices on everyone else, which is not OK.

YABU because it isn't your wedding so it isn't your call. Your relations are being rude and VU to decline the invitation because of the menu. Who on earth goes to a wedding for the food? Most catered food is pretty horrible anyway.

For the record I think veganism is a ridiculous first world concept that completely ignores millions of years of evolution. As delicious as some vegan foods (hummus, tabbouleh, peanut butter) can be, I would not be looking forward to the meal at your daughter's do. But I don't look forward to rubbery chicken or overcooked salmon either. However I wouldn't dream of not attending a wedding because the food wasn't to my taste.

Your poor daughter - Presumbly she invited the relations because she loves them and wanted to share her big day with them. It must be very hurtful to get these responses.

You did the right thing putting it on the invite - imagine it they'd found out on the day!!

They don't sound like the types of people that should have received an invitation in the first place! Complaining that over the years they've provided vegan food for your daughter and get nothing in return. And complaining to your actual face!?! Sounds unbelievable!

Solution 1: invite relies to ceremony, let them miss the 'meal'
Solution 2: provide a meat option f or the carnivores(Hog roast?) and celery and quinoa or whatever for the vegans
Solution3 : change plans, suggest they get married quietly at a Buddhist retreat. Donate what they would have spent to animal rights campaign such as PETA.

This is the point they are trying to make - we did for you, why can't you for us?

Because the daughter thinks eating meat is unethical. That's different to providing a vegan option.

My daughter has not made a fuss about food at any other event, but she does make it clear that she would like a vegan option and explains what that means - I do respect her choice. As I said in an earlier post, these family have made concessions in the past at my daughter's request, and I know vegan food isn't the easiest to provide so they are probably feeling annoyed that they have to make an effort but they don't get the same in return. I know it isn't really the same thing, but at the same time I can see their point - it can sometimes come across as a bit 'holier than thou' and maybe putting it on the invitation did rub their backs up.

I too think it's ridiculous that the guests won't come because of the food.

Don't get me wrong, I would have been a bit disappointed about the lack of meat but to miss a wedding because they're not serving what you'd like? That's ridiculous.

Wedding food usually comes in two categories anyway - shit or distinctly average.

I'd have appreciated the heads up as well - dh is a fussy bugger with vegetables so we'd have just made sure that he'd eaten well beforehand or had access to snacks.

Your daughter isn't the problem here.

I think your last post hits nail firmly on head O P. She sounds a bit precious, tbh.

To be honest, the guests sound like they are using this as an excuse to cause trouble, which is shit of them. I don't think it's particularly good form of your daughter's to force her preferences on her guests either but she retains the moral high ground here. Their behaviour sucks.

A wedding is about much more than food yes, but I hate it when the organisers are so inconsiderate of guests to leave hours before serving a meal so they're starving etc. So I wonder if the guests are thinking they'll go hungry?

It is very common for a mother to be involved in her dd's wedding plans, not least because they are often bankrolling the event!
It is odd though that the dd wouldn't want to contribute to animal cruelty by paying for meat at the wedding, yet is willing to tie her future to a man who isn't also vegan.

Your relatives are silly.

Your daughter is being daft for thinking about cancelling a wedding 40 people are coming to! You just need to encourage her to embrace the intimate wedding idea and get on with it.

We had a vegetarian wedding. Both of us are veggies and there was no way my hard earned money was being spent on supporting the meat industry. It's an ethical decision and both dh and I think it's wrong to eat meat. My parents whinged a bit, but noone refused to come. It was a very nice wedding.

You are unreasonable to be cross with your daughter. Not your wedding. Back off.

I think your last post hits nail firmly on head O P. She sounds a bit precious, tbh.
It's precious to not want something you consider unethical at your own wedding?!

This is a tough one.
It's your daughter's right to serve what she wants, and if the menu is in any way unusual then it is sensible to let people know what will be served. I applaud her for that.
The fact that so many people have declined is sad, but that's their right too even if you feel it's misguided.
If they did come, and all left the food on their plates, that would not be very nice either. Perhaps they don't want to appear rude and ungrateful for leaving it. I must confess that I have never enjoyed vegan food.
I can imagine that some of them might feel your daughter is taking the opportunity to evangelise by forcing vegan food at them.

I think your daughter will just have to accept the reduced number of guests.

Vegan food isn't only suitable for vegans, it's suitable for everyone.

Yes purple I understand the ethical side, but the guests probably don't and probably don't want to understand either. They are probably seeing it in the way I described, rather black/white and a little bit petty and if they got on well anyway, they might overlook it, but they don't so they're not going to try and make any ethical distinctions in their decisions.

Smaller wedding - less hassle.

I would understand their point if this were a bbq or non specific gathering. They've catered for her, she should cater for them in some respect. But this is a wedding of which a meal should be a small part. If someone's food preferences stopped them from attending my wedding I'd feel happy not to bother with them again.

"I have never come across a vegan dish I've liked."

Really?

So you don't like chips? Beans on toast? Pasta and tomato sauce?

Some really weird responses on this thread as to what "vegan food" is.

It's just normal food without meat or dairy in it. That's it. No need to panic.

Putting it on the invitation has had one wonderful advantage:

Now you know who actually loves you and your daughter.

Anyone who chooses their need for meat over their love for their family is fairly beyond the pale IMO.

I'd accept their decline and not change a thing.

I wouldn't allow them to change their minds later either, their behaviour is appalling.

I'm actually quite shocked that you would try to manipulate your DD into compromising on this TBH.

NB: I'm not vegan or vegetarian.

That's the thing PurpleDaisies, chicken nuggets don't have a chicken meat texture as they are also made with mashed up skin and cartilage. I have had them at same meal than McDonald's chicken nuggets and they were extremely similar. I am not doubting you can tell the difference but most meat eaters can't, particularly if they have never had them.