Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

The danger of this happening is one reason why it's not a very good idea to base your MN name on your real name. Anyone who reads the daily mail and has recently been invited to a vegan wedding where the mother of the bride is called Kathy isn't going to be in much doubt that the article is about them.

stuff from mn often ends up on dm

prob nothing you can do - think if you post on an internet forum you lose all rights iyswim

glad you came back op, nothing bugs mn more then no feedback/replies from op

menu looks ok, tho the starter a bit boring and tbh guests will prob be hungry having 2 salad meals

any chance of adding some carbs/pasta to fill up

I don't think people refused to come because they won't get a slab of meat. It is because they know the bride, and know that this choice is, in a sense, a "political" statement. I'd be put off by that as well, even without the link to the website.

The menu presented seems bland. I agree with others, a buffet may be a better choice. Plus, anything that contains soy should be listed as such, given the number of individuals allergic to soy products.

I'm not jumping up and down about the menu, I'm not a huge fan of tofu, but I am of course happy to give it a go.

This has probably all come across a too 'worthy' for some of the family -- I was against putting the website on the invitation but my daughter said that if we were going to put a disclaimer about the vegan meal on the invitation then she wanted to put some more information on there so that people could understand what it is and why she has made this choice.

She has been a vegan for about three years and I do support her choice but it does sometime feel like we can't do anything without it coming up or it causing a problem, and she can get a little over the top sometimes if there are no vegan options at restaurants/hotels etc and it does limit where we can go as a family - I was hoping that planning the wedding would be different but it has caused issues yet again!

Despite all the hooha about the thread, it has made me reconsider plans for my own upcoming wedding. My plan was to have the cake entirely gluten free and just not tell people... now I wonder if I'm forcing a "lifestyle choice" on them

The handmade burger company do vegan burgers and there are so many things that people eat everyday that are vegan but they just don't realise e.g beans on toast, samosas

ideas for menu
www.vegansociety.com/resources/recipes

I'm not jumping up and down about the menu, I'm not a huge fan of tofu, but I am of course happy to give it a go

I wouldnt have any qualms about a vegan meal as Ive said repeatedly throughout the thread. I enjoy the food and seek it out as I did recently on holiday in Italy, as well as doing the two week Vegan cleanse in Thailand. But as others have also said the meal seems very sparse and without much stuffing so to speak, its also uninspiring and comes across as being the work of a very lazy caterer. Or perhaps that a caterer playing very safe. People who know Vegan food really well have made a few suggestions as to a more substantial main course and Im wondering if its at all possible for the menu to be tweaked a bit?

I don't think people refused to come because they won't get a slab of meat. It is because they know the bride, and know that this choice is, in a sense, a "political" statement. I'd be put off by that as well, even without the link to the website.

TBH I think it's equally monumentally rude to throw your toys out of the pram about wedding food for this reason.

And 'political statement' is one way of putting it, but 'deeply felt and held principles' is another; and anyone who knows and respects (let alone loves) the bride should, again, not make a fuss about the wedding arrangements over principles, even if they don't happen to agree with them.

No, I disagree with that. A wedding should be a joyous occasion, not a political statement, even if it's from the bride.

Halo, I don't really accept the term 'political' in this context. I think 'deeply held beliefs' is a more accurate and less loaded way of putting it.

And if the bride or groom has deeply held beliefs then it would be an odd day indeed if they were not adhered to.

The day should be joyous for everyone; guests and bride and groom. There is such a thing as being a gracious guest as well as a gracious host, and the former does not involve making a fuss about the food because they think they may not like it (and the guests who said they wouldn't be coming hadn't even seen a menu at that point).

It's worth noting, I think, that as well as ten people who've said they won't come, there are a further forty who do have not expressed a problem with the idea of vegan food. The bride's decision has not put off all her guests; just the rude ones.

I was raised in a way that hosts should always make their guests feel comfortable.

A wedding reception is not solely the bride and groom's day. It is just as much a celebration for the family. The bride has been a bit petulant in demanding her beliefs be the only ones that matter. That is not the hallmark of a good host. So no, I don't think the guests who refused the invitation were being rude. She made her choice, they made theirs, and theirs is to not be subjected to her beliefs for an evening.

I do have sympathy for the OP in all of this.

I'd go with not announcing the gluten free aspect, ovaries. Nobody needs to know and it does sound like a bit of a "statement". Bet it's just as delicious

I don't really get the big deal I've been to loads of weddings where the meal hasn't been to my taste but who's there for the meal? Surely you are there to help your friends/family celebrate their happy day? These guests sound like it's probably better they didn't come. I don't think there was anything wrong with OP putting it on the invitation either as you do usually get to know what the choice of meals are on the invite anyway. The B&G are entitled to have the day they want, it's not supposed to be geared to suit anyone else, it's supposed to be to suit them!

I doubt people turned down the invitation because of the meal.

That's the plan flogging. We considered having just the top tier gluten free but I can't take the risk of cross contamination even with icing in between etc. Fingers crossed no-one will be able to tell the difference! :)

Is that not the point of the post Halo or have I missed something?

How can anyone state that the "menu as presented is a bit bland" ?

The OP has said that the menu has not been finalised and as a result, despite many requests, has not even said what it might be

Pretty rtft, the OP put the menu on the thread earlier on.

"I was against putting the website on the invitation but my daughter said that if we were going to put a disclaimer about the vegan meal on the invitation then she wanted to put some more information on there so that people could understand what it is and why she has made this choice."

I think your daughter has been a little naive about this. By coming across as a militant vegan she has pissed off 20% of the guests. She needs to have a little more social awareness than that in life I'm afraid.

People who aren't vegans are simply not interested in reading about it, nor do they want it shoving down their throat. A bit like religion really.

I am coming to the conclusion that it isn't the fact that the meal is vegan, but your daughter's evangelising about it that is putting people off.

I agree about the lack of social lack of awareness, so much so that she's chosen a known allergen as a main course.

I agree about the lack of social lack of awareness, so much so that she's chosen a known allergen as a main course

Oh dear god. They've put cat on the menu???????

How common is allergy to soya?

why it is she has made this choice . Why does she imagine anybody really cares why she's made the choice to be Vegan?

I'm assuming she's asked for dietary requirements when people rsvp?

Yes, of course. We have had a couple of cheeky RSVPs saying 'steak' or 'beef please' which upset my daughter but they were just jokes and they are looking forward to it. Obviously if there are any requirements within the 'vegan' framework then we can accommodate that or will try our best to do that.

Also, just for clarification, that photo on the Daily Mail is not of my daughter, I have had no contact from the Daily Mail.