Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

I love the way they put a screenshot in of someone's comment, then repeat the comment in their "article" in case their readers couldn't understand it when they read it only once. Also to fill more of their word count so they get laid, who knows?

Oops, get paid, not laid.

I just really don't want the day to be ruined by my daughter not being a bit more thoughtful.

Ruined for who? How can a day be ruined by eating vegetables? Whose "day" is this anyway?!

From what the OP says there have clearly been issues in the past with the bride's militant veganism. As the OP is funding and planning a large part of the wedding I'm sure she thinks that the lack of meat options on the menu will reflect badly on her hosting skills as much as the bride's amongst their family members.

As the MOB has probably been dreaming about this day at least as long as the bride, she will have her own expectations of the day hence the description of the day being ruined. As the bride clearly won't consider any compromise (meat eaters on a distant table perhaps) regardless of what the groom or MOB might be happy with, the OP has few options.

It's so unusual & rude for guests to refuse to come on the grounds of the food being served, it does make you wonder what kind of scenes the bride has made at previous family occasions over the food to warrant this reaction.

I live in Ireland plenty of people want to shove their ethical views on abortion on everyone else, people imposing their ethical views makes me shudder for that reason. I would very much enjoy a vegan feast but the shoving moral views urgh. I hope the wedding goes really well.

It is Kathy's money paying for the wedding. I'm not sure how people, when actually faced with the situation, would feel as a parent knowing that their relations (who you genuinely wanted to be there to see your child get married as a proud mother of the bride) wouldn't come because of the bride's food choices. Yes, they may be being narrow minded by today's enlightened standards, but I think some people would actually be royally pissed off by the entire situation. As Kathy is. I don't think it is fair to minimise the MOB's feelings. She is paying and it is likely she may have saved up for years to pay for the event. Traditionally in marriages where the parents pay, the MOB's role as the organiser is an important one - it is the parents, who invite the guests after all. She's not trying to take over the wedding lock stock and barrel. And yes, it is not her day. My wedding happened at a time when parents still often paid and my mother and her husband took great pleasure in planning our wedding and consulted us throughout the process. Were the B&G or other paying, the MOB's PoV would not be significant in the same way. I think the obvious solution would be to pay for yourself and have the wedding you want if you can't find a workable solution. As a parent, maybe it would be better to give the money as a deposit for a house and let the children have the wedding they want. Unfortunately, this was a conversation to be had some time ago and way before the wedding was planned.

Ruined for whom? Ruined for the MOB, who had certain expectations of others going into this process as the person paying. I do believe it is good to give without expectation. However, culturally and traditionally, weddings are a highly emotive issue.

Now that I've seen the menu, I wouldn't be going if my dietary needs couldn't be accommodated. Soy is a common allergen. Non vegans are unlikely to know whether or not they are intolerant or allergic because it only appears in small quantities in prepared foods. I would be writhing in agony ill if I ate vegan halloumi. And IBS sufferers generally cannot eat beans and pulses even if this was switched out so the more I'm thinking about it, the more I'm wondering if vegan can be too much for some guests' digestion.

Hi just want to share, my parents are vegetarian but not my in laws.

However, when my parents wish for a vegetarian banquet, my in laws have some concerns . Like you, they receive feedback from relatives before our banquet like questions why vegetarian and if alcohol will be serve.

It isn't a easy process, but my mum in law decide to be supportive and go ahead with the idea.

Surprisingly on the banquet day, the guests have many positive feedback. Though some guests joked about the food choice but the kids(non-vegetarian) enjoyed the food and they claimed it is so environmental -friendly.

I am not a staunch vegetarian or vegan like your daughter, and my parents. However I do marvel your daughter strong decision holding a vegan banquet.

Like what my mum always say" Wedding is a happy occasion and we shall celebrate with joy and blessings and shows mercy to life"

My kids first month celebration and first birthday are also vegetarian.

This is one way we could nurture our kids to love the world.

My blessing to your daughter and your family.

I don't consider vegetarianism a way to "nurture the world". Over farming and deforestation is a big consideration and has mainly been carried out for agricultural purposes. Land used for livestock farming is not necessarily suitable for arable farming and is likely to lead to yet more intense farming methods. Moreover, birds and wild animals thrive in areas where livestock a kept. Not so in arable farming. Not to mention yet more reduction in bio diversity of micro fauna and flora. Yes, the antibiotic crisis could be solved with the elimination of intensive livestock rearing, however, my fear is the resultant need to feed alternative food sources will likely leave to more overfarming and more barren land in its wake.

The soy will have been processed and has a very high carbon footprint.

I know, TooLazy, I thought exactly the same as you. Precisely zero effort involved. It means they can get rid of some decent journalists that they would otherwise have to pay and get their interns and 16 year old work experience placements to copy and paste a bit of Mumsnet into clickbaity "human interest stories". Win win.

wwf.panda.org/what_we_do/footprint/agriculture/soy/impacts/

I'm so sorry for your daughter! What selfish guests. Her choice to abstain from supporting animal abuse/murder is an ethical choice, not simply a dietary choice. So, to ask her to partake in that on any level, especially on such a momentous day, would really strip her of the joy she deserves. I'm shocked that the guests who will not attend on this basis refuse to go a meal without hurting animals. :( Your daughter cared enough about them to invite them; they could care enough about her to attend without complaining. I'm genuinely floored by the insensitivity, both toward the sweet animals and toward you, your daughter, and everyone involved in organizing and paying for the wedding. Good on your daughter for standing up for herself and the animals! I hope enough guests are compassionate and enjoy the festivities and meal with a smile!

Only around 6% of soy is actually for humans - the remainder is for livestock. And one pound of beef has a footprint of 14.8 pounds Co2 equivalent, in comparison to 0.814 pounds for a pound of tofu.

they said that we would not be able to tell the difference

I'm not Vegan or Vegeatarian but I enjoy Vegan food. Last week when I was on holiday in Italy I went to vegan restaurant and they'd made a cheese out of onions. It was awful. Really bad. And I hope your halloumi substitute is better.

Enjoy the big day (smile)

Oh and since this is what the link was about, 80% of Amazon deforestation is due to livestock, and it is the leading single cause of habitat destruction globally.

Good grief it's one meal. I can't believe people are so ridiculous.

A colleague of mine got married recently and it was all vegan food. I can't say anyone was necessarily looking forward to the meal but she had fantastic caterers and her food was gorgeous. Even the die hard meat eaters had to admit it was nice. At least they all tried it and realised the food was just one part of the day

If people are so shallow they'd miss the wedding because of it sounds like your daughter is well rid of them

Janecc you are full of shit. If you are going to argue against soy and agriculture at least get your facts right.

The % of livestock raised on land unsuitable for arable farming is tiny. Intensive farming of animals is one of the undisputed main causes of climate change, pollution and environmental damage. Half of the water used in the USA is used for farming animals. As another poster has pointed out, farming plants is many (10x) times more efficient than farming animals.

As a planet we eat an utterly unsustainable, damaging amount of meat and other animal products. Anyone who cares even a tiny bit about the future of the planet should aim to consume less, vegan or not.

And as for people not tolerating soy... soy sauce and edamame beans are ubiquitous, not to mention it appears in almost all shop bought bread, chocolate and a million other things. So even if soy wasn't mainly consumed as livestock feed, it's hardly the unique preserve of the vegan / vegetarian.

The menu isn't what I'd choose but sounds fine to me. Intrigued to find out what the halloumi made of tofu is like! I've had deep fried silken tofu before in a Japanese restaurant and it was completely delicious.

A (meat eating, dairy intolerant) relative also made a vegan avocado and coconut oil based chocolate tart recently and it was absolutely fantastic. I actually preferred it to a normal chocolate cake.

I've seen plenty of hill sheep grazing on rocky slopes that look like they'd be incredibly awkward to grow arable crops on, so yeah, I agree that some livestock is reared on land unsuitable for arable farming - but really, that doesn't apply to the majority of livestock reared. And that's even before we get to the amount of crops (such as soy) grown as feed for intensely reared livestock.

That menu sounds pretty hideous to me. Too much tofu, which I can't stand, there'd be very little I could eat. Don't most weddings do a drop, not feed everyone the same thing? At least then you've got a chance of swapping with your neighbour.

Could the tofu in the nibbles at least be switched for bread/toast/crackers or something similar? At least that with dips doesn't seem quite so obviously vegan. Two dishes of tofu are pretty vegan specific, I don't know any non vegans who would actually voluntarily choose to eat it.

If we all went vegan the increased demand for pulses and grains to replace the protein from the animal products would require more, huge monoculture crops around the world. Without farmed herbivores how do you re-fertilise the land and add organic matter in the soil? Or do you just use synthetic fertilisers and keep harvesting until the soil erodes to desert?

Tofu is commonly a part of Oriental cuisines for everyone. I am not vegetarian and choose to eat it every once in a while.

A lot of people are very spoilt and greedy with their expectations about high meat consumption and it is bad for the environment, health and animal welfare.

derxa what part of your post is grounded in reality, because I'm struggling to see it?

We are so far from the whole world magically turning vegan overnight.

Let's talk about what's ACTUALLY happening.

Meat consumption globally has doubled in the last 20 years, outstripping population growth significantly.

So how come you are up in arms about some wild future vegan desertification hypothesis but I don't see you having a problem with the very real, undisputed damage intensive animal husbandry is causing right now? Why is that?

OP I also just wanted to add that just two years ago I went on a two week raw food vegan cleanse in Thailand and the food was delicious. But I'm not sure about the menu your daughter has put together to be honest because there's way more to Vegan food and so much more out there.

What a horrible time you're going through.

The guests are cunts, your daughter has done nothing wrong. HTH