Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

As well as the assumptions that the food will not be palatable, there are also people assuming that people will be falling down drunk all over the place because 'they haven't had a decent meal' .

I know there are a lot of stereotypes about 'pale, sickly vegans' but they tend to be the ones who, as well as being vegan, don't like vegetables and pulses very much and tend to exist on things like chip butties, which are excellent for soaking up alcohol by the way, and fake sausages or similar.

Half the world eats little or no meat and, providing that they manage to get enough calories, are probably healthier than many people in Europe/the US because their diet is much healthier, with lots of vegetables, pulses, grains, fruits, nuts and seeds.

There have been some great suggestions for vegan meals on this thread, that are nutritous, tasty and special enough for a celebration but people are still posting blinkered views about how it's not a meal without meat.

And along with the "forcing beliefs" thing...

Only once have I met a vegan who told meat-eaters that meat was wrong, and I've met loads of vegans and vegetarians. However, I have had no end of meat eaters who, on hearing I'm vegetarian but before I've said a word, launch into lectures about it being "unnatural", "you need to eat a burger", "I don't understand what you eat", "your food is weird" etc.

I agree, Margay, IME meat-eaters are sometimes very keen to share their beliefs about vegetarian or vegan diets.

I'm a meat eater but had a vegan Indian meal the other week and it was fucking awsome.

The guests are ignorant arseholes and I wouldn't bother with them.

Also why is she only having so few when she wanted a larger wedding? Who's choice was that?

Dump the ungrateful guests.
And their comment about putting on vegan food for her is unfair.
They want to eat a massive range of food, your daughter does not for ethical reasons and cannot just choose to eat meat.
Your rotten guests should suck it up.. Or bring a sandwich to eat before the service.
They sound rude and awful.
Stand by your daughter

F**k them! Your dd can have the wedding her and her fiancée want! If they don't want to come because of a meal they obviously don't think that much of her to respect her wishes. What ignorant people?! I feel offended for you. I went to a Muslim wedding reception and had to eat halal meat. It's not my choice of slaughtering an animal and I'm now a vegetarian but I ate it out of good manners. They should too. I wonder what is wrong with people that they think what they want is more important than anyone else's wants.

"What do you mean by ONLY their favorite food?"

Was that too opaque? Obviously I meant that there will be no other option but vegan food for the entire wedding.

Maybe it would help to wear the shoe on the other foot - knowing many guests are vegetarian, the normal courteous thing to do would be to provide a vegetarian option in such events. Not saying "Fuck them. Eat a sandwich before you l come if you won't eat the food I want you to eat."

No-one is saying "fuck them".

There is no reason to believe there won't be a variety of delicious foods.

Cote, no, I didn't find your comment opaque – but thanks for the snark – just not very meaningful.

'Vegan food' is not one entity and it doesn't make any sense as an argument to treat it as such. It covers a huge range of possibilities and it's just as likely that someone would like some or all of the food offered as that I (an omnivore) like, for example, lamb but am not so keen on parsnips with bacon bits. If both were served at a wedding I wouldn't bitch and moan that 'they'd only served food containing meat'. That makes about as much sense as moaning about 'only' being served 'vegan food'.

The difference of putting on a meat based alternative is that it's really going against her beliefs, as she will be in essence funding th deaths of animals in which she strongly disagrees with. That's her belief system.

If it was a religious belief no one would question it.

All meals are a mixture of meat and veg. The fact the meat is being ommited for one meal and causing such a fuss is bizzare.

This is exactly the kind of scenario that makes vegans come across as holier than thou and piss everyone else off by having differing views/morals foisted on them without choice

Maybe it's worth remembering it's one meal? Nobody (I hope!!) is likely to use the event to insist how evil the carnivores are and that they've all got to change their diets permanently

Seems to me there's a lot of attention seeking going on here. Granted the refuseniks might well say that of the bride, but is what they're doing really any better?

Guests are being rude and ungrateful!
I am invited to a vegan wedding this summer. Both bride and groom are vegan and it was made clear to everyone it is a vegan wedding. Not specifically on the invite but guests ahve been told. Also the groom has been vegan for such a long time nobody expected anything else really.

A few friends have been joking that they have to eat beforehand but there have been no serious issues with any guests. It is just one day and one meal, so people will survive not eating meat/fish.

I look forward to an interesting meal (never had a whole vegan meal). I have also been to lots of weddings with awful food even though it featured fish/meat.
People that don't want to come because of the food are just petty. It is a wedding after all!

My wedding was spoiled by family foisting their opinions on how they wanted it. Which is why I said what I did. It ended up where the only thing that went our way was the disco and the table centres and getting married to dh. Everything else was to keep family happy which didn't work anyway. They complained to us about how awful it was!

The guests are rude and ungrateful. (And vegan food can be absolutely fantastic! Much better than a couple of hard potatoes, a dried up bit of chicken and some canned veg.)

Friends of mine had a similar issue over booze - they got married and had their reception in the Quaker meeting house they attend, so it was a "dry" wedding. Lots of people whinged a lot before hand but they did actually show up. (and it was a fabulous do with a ceilidh and a great atmosphere).

Thanks for info on dried pasta being vegan, Barbara. So vegan caterers could also add lasagne to their list, with spinach and mushroom filling and a tomato passata topping. A soya-milk based sauce also possible?

Oh ffs. I'd be grateful for a free meal, with or without meat. Although I'd maybe bring the equivalent of a hip flask - a handbag full of pepperamis and pork scratchings and have a dirty burger on the way home.

Incredibly rude and VU guests; I hope your daughter and you have a lovely wedding without the carnivores.

Vegan food doesn't need to be boring.
Certain cuisines are very vegan friendly. Like Indian.
The other day I made a meal for friend, dhal curry, spicy potato and spinach, curry, tandoori mushrooms and rice. Didn't even realise it but it was vegan and gluten free.

I'd be delighted with a vegan menu. This is our local vegan cafe and they do the most delicious food and they do catering and I hope your DD's wedding menu is similar.
www.teatimecollective.co.uk/cafe-menus.html

The wedding guests are being rude.

I'm surprised by all the people who seem to think that 'vegan' is a type of cuisine all to itself, and that some people just automatically don't like it. For example, a pp seems to be saying that because she didn't like a falafel one time she know she simply doesn't like vegan food.

There is vegan food to be found in all sorts of cuisines, and you probably eat vegan-friendly food all the time without even thinking about it. If you've ever enjoyed guacamole, hummus or peanut butter for example, those are all vegan foods. You can get wonderful vegan options in Indian, Mexican, Greek, Lebanese and yes, even Italian food.

Recently I had a dinner party and because two of the guests coming were vegan, I decided that rather than make something special for them I'd just make the whole meal vegan. I made a huge, rich lasagne followed by a very decadent chocolate cake and I can promise you that nobody went home feeling hard done by!

Everything else was to keep family happy which didn't work

That's just the trouble - it often doesn't

A guest at my cousin's wedding was endlessly pandered to (she couldn't eat this, was "allergic to that", didn't fancy the other) and come the day made a thorough nuisance of herself, sending back 2 out of 3 courses which she'd chosen because something "wasn't quite right"

Like I said - attention seeking

frieda909, I was one of the people who said they don't generally get on with vegan food and that's from experience, not just a blanket misunderstanding of what the food is. At home, I eat plenty of vegan food purely by accident - I love veggies and fruit and grains! However, I find that vegan cafes and restaurants tend to over-flavour the food for my tastes. I'm allergic to chilli which rules out a lot of the spicy food (seems to be a very common feature on vegan menus!) and as such I'm so used to avoiding spicy food that I have quite bland tastes. I'm also not keen on beans (no explanation for that one - I'm just not keen!) which also seem to feature in vegan food quite a lot.

I go to several vegan places with friends and while there's generally something I can eat, there's very rarely (if ever!) anything I enjoy. I assume others have had similar experiences and I don't think it's unreasonable to say that vegan cuisine is something that some people just don't like, even if it does have potential to be nice.

Never was this more true.

Haven't read ft but surely guests could have at least asked what was being served if the meal was really that important to them .
But agree really rude to refuse Well at least they will know who really cares about them ...

What a shame and a shambles - some folk are very unreasonable to suggest they wouldn't come to a wedding because of the food choices. Honestly!

My way would be to recheck with those who are suggesting they will refuse then you have real data to go on for numbers etc. Then move on, enjoy the wonderful day and sod the bloody relatives.

Wedding guests are being rude. Are they going to a wedding or a free meal?

What unreasonable, ungrateful people. On HER day they want your daughter to compromise her beliefs because they can't eat one meal without dead animals included in the fare. (Can you tell I am a vegetarian?) Do they never have a salad for lunch, or eat a can of baked beans? Perhaps they would like to insist that she provides a revolting hog roast ?
You do not need these selfish people at the wedding - you probably don't need them at all.