Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

To echo what others have said - I don't think you did anything wrong by pre-warning them, but perhaps you needed to "sell" it better. I know meat-eaters that regularly eat at a particular vegan restaurant because the food is great. However, it takes some persuading to get them in the door the first time!

I also wouldn't change the menu now. How dare they feel they can bully your daughter in that way. I would give them a call to confirm they do not intend to come and make it clear that she is withdrawing the invitation to invite someone else. Ungrateful ***!!

What awful guests. Everyone can skip meet for one meal and anyway they are not coming for the food or anything else. They are coming to see a loved one marry. I would just support your daughter. They weren't real friends anyway. Maybe she could donate there dinners or cost of to a good cause or her honeymoon.

*meat urgh dam spelling

This is such a weird "problem".
Good heavens, whatever next? The bride had a dj instead of a live band? The tables were square instead of round? Served pink champagne instead of white?

Sorry, that should be bride and groom

Maybe because it was on the invitations people think something odd will be served?

Personally I think YABU to be annoyed at your daughter. If people have declined over it then I think that you should be grateful that the wedding will just be filled with people their because they love your daughter or her spouse to be. Anyone else is going to the wedding for themselves.

I know food can be a huge issue at weddings. I would be grateful however for a host that had put that much effort in to finding a great caterer!

I've worked in the wedding industry, in addition my friends and family are from wildly different backgrounds.

I've attended all kinds of weddings up to and including a very conservative (even for some of the Moslems attending) Moslem wedding that was vegan, teetotal, segregated and only modest music played.

The most dire weddings food wise? 'Normal' ones, pre vegetarianism-

Over salted soup starters
Rubber chicken, over cooked veg almost raw potatoes and gravy with skin
Artificial tasting desserts vom!

The best food wise (Apart from mine) was a veggie one. Admittedly groom was a chef so probably had inside knowledge on caterers. It was amazing!

Mine was a buffet, my ex is almost carnivore, I'm veggie as I said and out of our guests we had a mix of

Veggie/vegan
Various allergies/intolerances
Jewish/Moslem

Attendees

So a buffet seemed a good idea as it would cater for everyone yes? No! My gm's moaned that it SHOULD have been a traditional sit down 5 course with no options - you can't win!!!

Oh and the punchline is my carnivorous ex is now married to a militant vegan and isn't allowed meat in the house

Oops forgot to answer op

My experience is that yes there's more to this than the menu.

Support your dd, be blasé with the decliners - take FABULOUS pictures of the food at the wedding and make them regret it!

40 is plenty, she will feel busy enough on the day it won't feel like not many people.

DD's wedding, her choice. Everyone involved in planning a wedding gets stressed so you're probably a bit fed up with it all. Stop apologising to your whinging relatives and support your daughter. They clearly sense your lack of support for her hence the attempt at bullying you into changing the menu. Damn cheek!
Send cards to those decliners formally acknowledging that they won't be having the meal just in case they change their minds at the last minute and just turn up.
If they wanted to they could attend the ceremony then go home. Or go and have a burger. I love a burger

Your guests Abu - it's standard for people to choose options etc for a wedding breakfast so I think you have done nothing wrong! How rude of people to decline because of this! Are all the people you invited carnetarians

I still want to know what the proposed menu is

blondes stamps feet

Think op has done a runner as many have said she isn't supportive of her DD !!

stains what was your vegan menu for your wedding

I think I comes down to the fact that there appears to be a hierarchy of importance regarding dietary choices. One does not trump the other and therefore the meat eaters who have catered separately for the bride at family events are not now having that effort reciprocated.

I refer to a couple of posters upthread stating that theirs are vegan/vegetarian households even though their OHs are meat eaters, so why do the choices of one partner trump the other? Even the groom in this tale isn't vegan, so why isn't his choice being catered for at his wedding?

This is exactly the kind of scenario that makes vegans come across as holier than thou and piss everyone else off by having differing views/morals foisted on them without choice except that by having the catering choice on the invitation (which was a shit stir in the first place as who mentions the fayre on the invitation?) has given potential guests a choice and many have made it and now the mother of the bride is getting the hump!

stubblylegs that logic only applies if your dietary choices aren't for ethical reasons. Obviously no-one's dietary choices should trump anyone else's if they are for health or allergy reasons. But it is basic human respect not to expect anyone to do something against their ethics even if they are different from yours. A bride who chooses to serve a chicken meal to 50 people at her wedding is specifically choosing the death of the equivalent number of birds (5 servings per bird so 10 chickens?) Obviously not something an omnivorous bride would have a problem with but I am shocked that anyone would expect a vegan to provide a non vegan option.

When you are a guest you respect the ethics of your hosts or you don't go. If you are invited to a Muslim wedding you would obviously cover your head and wouldn't wear a strappy revealing top that might be perfectly acceptable at a secular wedding because that is showing basic respect to the hosts' beliefs.

If you are invited to the wedding of someone who is teetotal for ethical reasons you accept that it is going to be a dry event and you either live with not getting pissed at that wedding or you choose not to go. You don't expect the person getting married to abandon their ethics just so that you don't have to consider attending a wedding that doesn't conform to your own traditions.

I imagine because the partners care about their DP's feelings and principles enough to sacrifice eating meat at home. Like the OP's daughter's groom. Eating meat/fish is not a necessity. Veganism is based on a belief that it is morally wrong to kill and eat animals, it is not the same as a wish to eat meat at every single meal.

I'm most definitely a meat-eater but I recently went to a vegetarian wedding and the food was the best I've ever had at a wedding! Far more imaginative and interesting than the Parma-ham-and-melon followed by dry chicken breast that you usually get at these things.

Anyone refusing to go to a wedding due to vegan catering isn't someone I'd want at my wedding anyway. They can get a burger on the way home if they need meet that much.

Not sure why YOU were in charge of the invitations and got to decided what went on them, though...

If you are invited to a Muslim wedding you would obviously cover your head

Why? Many Muslims don't.

A bride who chooses to serve a chicken meal to 50 people at her wedding is specifically choosing the death of the equivalent number of birds (5 servings per bird so 10 chickens?)

Unless she uses the endless Mumsnet chickenchicken.

BadLad

"If you are invited to a Muslim wedding you would obviously cover your head"

No you wouldn't.

Do you think Muslims get married in a mosque?

OP - It sounds like some people think that they will be left hungry as I was on many a vegan meal. Have you told them about the wonderful (and copious amounts of) lovely food you have planned for?

I actually think the veganism debate is a bit of a red herring - and one that has lasted for 25 pages!

Nobody should be attending a wedding for the purposes of having a meal that they like. You go to a wedding to show your love for the bride and groom and to celebrate with them. Fuck the meal. It doesn't matter. If you get one you like it's a bonus but you can't expect the bride and groom to cater to everyone's tastes because that would be impossible. If you think you might be served food you don't like pop a sneaky sandwich in your bag.

If the menu choice makes a difference to whether or not you wish to show the bride and groom your love then you don't deserve to be there.

Oh ffs I obviously meant if this was the tradition and beliefs of the couple in question and was requested by the couple and the venue in the invitations. Yes obviously many Muslims have different beliefs I was talking about respecting the beliefs of the people in question not being FUCKING PICKY about the fact that other people have different beliefs.

If it were just one couple refusing to come because of the bride's food preferences, I would have said they are rude.

Many of the guests refusing to come for the same reason makes me think they all know what OP's DD calls 'food' and just don't want to be subjected to it