Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

1000 replies

kathycraig79 · 29/05/2016 09:00

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

OP posts:
ChaseAvenal · 29/05/2016 20:09

I think it's the right thing to provide options for those who have dietary requirements for ethical, religious or allergy/intolerance reasons.
Within reason I would prefer to provide for those who strongly dislike certain foods also. So if one of these relatives said 'yes I'd like to come, but please can I not have I'd do my best.
But I don't think guests should get to say 'but I want there to be x' (in this case meat or other animal products). Can you imagine planning a wedding with a fairly traditional menu and someone saying "Oh, I'll come, but only if there's lamb!!". This is what their request sounds like to me.
On this basis, they are being VU to suggest they are not coming because what they'd quite like won't be served. YAB a little U to expect her to change the menu. But she is also being a little U to want a certain number of guests or call it off.

Floisme · 29/05/2016 20:48

I think I may be turning into my Auntie Winnie.
Stop fussing and eat what you're given. Or there's no pudding.

HSMMaCM · 29/05/2016 20:59

No one is going to starve if they miss a meal!

If you go to a wedding, have a big breakfast, because you don't know how long it will be until your next meal.

Janecc · 29/05/2016 21:00

Can I borrow Auntie Winnie for DD please Floisme?

EverySongbirdSays · 29/05/2016 21:14

Haven't RTFT

BUT

Best friend and DH are vegetarian - food at their wedding was completely vegetarian. I didn't expect it wouldn't be to be honest. Why would they have stuff at their own wedding they couldn't even eat and had to pay for?

The whole point of being vegan, as I gather is to "opt out" of various unethical aspects of the food chain.

You seem to have appointed yourself with a duty to 'forewarn' the guests, as such I suggest YOU are responsible for putting people off your daughters wedding, and you've done this precisely because you DON'T support her in a "Look! See! No-one wants to come" way and now as your daughters rightly not for turning it's bitten you on the bum

YWBU. And possibly more so, deliberately stirring.

mygorgeousmilo · 29/05/2016 21:16

The guests are being unreasonable, not your daughter.

EverySongbirdSays · 29/05/2016 21:19

And actually the more I read the OP the more it reads as "DM attempting to force bride to do it her way"

bombayflambe · 29/05/2016 21:21

Off the top of my head I can think of hundreds of foods which I like. About 30 of them are meat. I can't imagine refusing an invitation because a tiny percentage of the foods I like definitely won't be included in the menu.
OP YABU. Don't be pissed off with your DD. Your relatives' behaviour is, frankly, bizarre.

AntiHop · 29/05/2016 21:21

We had a vegetarian wedding. Amazingly, all the meat eaters survived.

derxa · 29/05/2016 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

puglife15 · 29/05/2016 21:51

I can't imagine anyone being so unreasonable, although I can imagine people having a bitch about it.. I can only think these guests didn't want to go anyway.

Your DD is definitely not the unreasonable one here.

There are some real dick opinions on this thread though - like all vegan food is just veg and lentils??

i had some lovely vegan pizza yesterday.

SpecialStains · 29/05/2016 21:58

On a slight tangent and out of curiosity, all those saying that because they cater for veggies/vegans at dinner parties they expect the same respect back (i.e. meat cooked in return) - how do you think that works? I've been veggie since I was a small child, and would have no idea how to cook meat, what to buy at a shop, how to know it was cooked and would be unable to taste it to check before serving. I actually think it would be unsafe me attempting to feed meat eaters meat! Omnivores can eat meat foods, veggies/vegans can't eat meat.

Still can't believe the responses on this thread! We had an entirely veggie wedding with over 100 people and everyone made it through the day without keeling over from lack of protein/iron/vit b12! And we didn't mention it on the invite. And because we live in t'north, family and friends all had to travel hundreds of miles to see us. Not one person said they wouldn't make the journey because all we'd offer in return was a plate of veg.

I mostly go to weddings for the drunken dancing and to catch up with friends and family, and because I like big parties and admiring the brides dress. Dh and I have sat through some grim veggie options - it would never occur to us to turn down a wedding invite because of the menu!

MrsJoeyMaynard · 29/05/2016 22:01

I'm also curious about what the menu is.

But i do agree vegan (and vegetarian) food can have an image problem among committed meat eaters.

We went to a vegetarian restaurant with my dad once. He made a point of telling everyone that he wasn't eating because he'd had a bacon sandwich beforehand as meals should have meat Hmm
Yet he will happily eat things like vegetable soups, cheese and tomato pizza, chips on their own, beans on toast, pasta with a vegetarian sauce, as a meal. The contradiction there doesn't seem to have occurred to him.

(He wouldn't turn down a wedding invite because the food was vegan though. He'd do something like have a steak sandwich on the way and have a stash of sausage rolls in a cool box in the boot of the car)

Netflixandchill · 29/05/2016 22:01

So so so so rude! If I was her I would be sending them a follow up "fuck you then" in the post! People get so ridiculous over weddings!

Janecc · 29/05/2016 22:08

Special I'm not saying that you should cook meat for me - especially as I did stop eating meat for a couple of years. However just to let you know I would feel much the same way about cooking vegan food as you do about meat because its also very alien to me. I would follow the recipe the same as the next person but it wouldn't stop me from feeling apprehensive about doing vegan food. Veggie - no probs obvs.

CharlieSierra · 29/05/2016 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BIWI · 29/05/2016 22:27

... and reported

SpecialStains · 29/05/2016 22:30

I was more referring to some earlier posters who were def implying that respect means veggies should cook for meat eaters. You seem far more reasonable than that Janecc, and I do understand it is hard trying to cater for a diet that you don't follow. I will admit at finding it a little difficult to come up with a veggie, lactose free, alcohol free and gluten free meal once when DH invited work friends round, so everyone could eat the same. I found coming up with a pudding particularly hard! It wasn't the best food we'd ever cooked, but I think people appreciated it (or at least were very polite - I'm quite hit and miss in the kitchen, and serving more than 4 people always adds an extra element of unpredictability to my cooking!).

I guess to some people, the thought of a meatless dinner is how I feel about being served a stuffed pepper. Hate the things. But for a wedding I'd politely pick at it, even lie and say it was lovely and thank you for the option, and then hit the bar!

chunkymum1 · 29/05/2016 22:33

Unfortunately I think OP made a mistake by including on the invitation the fact that the catering will be vegan. I can entirely understand why she did this but it sounds to me like some people have taken this as either an excuse to kick up a fuss or as an invitation to express a view.

I am vegetarian but DH was not when we got married. We only had vegetarian food at our wedding as it was my preference and DH wanted me to be able to eat at my own wedding buffet without having to check that I was picking up the right stuff (or as often happens finding that by the time I get there all the veggie stuff had gone missing). DM was fine with this but happened to mention to a couple of family members that this was the plan and they did express some 'strong views' about whether they would be prepared to come to an all veggie wedding. They did come and no-one had any ill effect from the lack of meat:)

If these family members insist that they can't come to a vegan wedding then they are making a loud statement about what they think of the bride. As such I don't think I'd want them there. 40 is a nice number for a wedding in my opinion- enough to be able to have a dance etc but not so many that you don't get chance to speak to everyone. I'd use the money that is being saved by having 10 fewer guests and either treat myself to a pre-wedding night out or a few extra bottles of wine for the guests to share at the wedding.

puddleduckmummy · 29/05/2016 22:43

I don't necessarily think you were wrong to include it in the invites. It wouldn't have stopped me attending a wedding. In fact, I would've been quite excited to try the food (bit I spend about 96% of my day thinking about food and nice meals and new foods to try!)

I think it's better to put it on and weed out the rude unreasonable at the start so there isn't any bitching about food on the wedding day that your daughter may hear and put a dampener in her special day.

If they are honestly going to throw their toys out because she has chosen the menu she wants for her wedding, they are incredibly selfish. You should support your daughter's decision

00alwaysbusymum · 29/05/2016 22:55

We went to a wedding last year where the food provided was vegan and terrible. No offence to vegans but I know you can have amazing vegan food but the caterers didn't have experience and really made bad food. The most annoying thing ( apart from spending the day starving due to travelling 2 hrs each way for the wedding ) was that neither the bride nor groom were vegan, both eat meat, it was all about the grooms mother. Which meant that brides family were not considered at all in the arrangements and this did seem as if we were less important.

BettyCrystal · 29/05/2016 23:12

I'm inclined to agree with 00alwaysbusymum. Lots of folk just don't know what vegan food is & don't want to eat it. As a guest you're forking out to attend a wedding. Travel, hotel, gift, outfits etc... A good meal is all you want in return.
I don't think the guests are being rude, vegan is just out of their comfort zone. My granny always asked why a growing girl like me was eating "rabbit food" when I turned veggie years ago.
It was a mistake to mention it on the invitation, however plenty of people would have turned their nose up on the day... Vegan just wouldn't compute with most, that's all.

frami · 30/05/2016 00:01

I'm not Vegan but this wouldn't stop me attending at wedding of someone that I care for. Are you sure there's not more to it? I have a Vegan friend who I really care about but she can be like a sort of Jehovah's witness on speed when it comes to her beliefs bombarding people with messages about meat being murder etc. She has alienated many people with her campaigning. Could some of your prospective guests have been put off in the same way? Just a thought...

houseeveryweekend · 30/05/2016 00:06

The guests are the ones being unreasonable. Being vegan can be a deeply held moral outlook its not just being fussy. Are atheist guests refusing to come if its held in a church or vice versa?? i doubt they would because anyone reasonable would understand that your wedding will reflect your personal beliefs. Honestly i think your daughter should have her wedding and is much better off without these people attending who clearly dont care enough about her to not eat meat for an evening.

SusanneLinder · 30/05/2016 00:25

I dont see a problem with putting it on the invitations. Saves folk moaning when they arrive, and gives them an option to have a different breakfast/ lunch. But I dont see why you are annoyed at your daughter.Its her day.Id eat vegan food.I used to go out with a vegan. And Id never turn down a wedding invite because of it and I love meat

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In
This thread is not accepting new messages.