Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

Sallyingforth there is no issue with breast milk it is the natural food for human babies and doesn't involve the exploitation of animals. Vegans would have an issue if they couldn't breastfeed, as they would not want to use formula based on cows milk. When DD was born I was asked to donate breast milk for a slightly prem baby whose mother was vegan and whose milk hadn't come in.

sally Have a look at this site for more information about the cruelty to dairy cows to produce milk.

I am not vegan, but I can't imagine being so petty as to allow the choice of food provided to determine whether or not I attended someone's wedding. There is another thread where someone is moaning because they are being offered afternoon tea. I just don't get it. Why are people so fixated on the food?

The relatives have a point about having previously catered to her diet and not getting the same courtesy back. I also would be annoyed about this. I wouldn't force my food choices on other people.

I'm also vegan.

sally do NOT read that PETA link. It's incredibly biased. Dairy farming is not pleasant but it's how we get milk. Not all cows cry for their babies.

Of course if everyone was vegan cows and pigs would just cease to exist.

You know, I catered for all choices at my wedding (meat eaters, pescatarians, vegetarians, vegans and gluten free) and now I wish I had made it all vegetarian/vegan. As everyone else is saying, it is just a meal, and it does make me sad that celebrating a happy moment in my life involved animals suffering/dying.

Matrix, I can't agree with that, because people who eat meat and dairy are not prevented ethically from eating meat- or dairy-free food. I just don't think any 'courtesy' is needed from an omnivore invited to a vegan event.

I've been to loads of vegan friends' houses/picnics for food and of course the food has always been vegan. I'm an omnivore but would not dream of kicking up a fuss, or not going, because there was no meat or dairy there. I can eat other stuff too, so I do.

Blondes : it's essentially flour, cocoa, sugar, bicarb, salt, cooking oil , vinegar , vanilla and then cold water poured over it and it all mixed together. To quote the recipe "At this point you will feel like you're naming mud pies".

Comes out rich and moist and chocolatey

It's called "Cockeyed Cake" and is from a book called the "I Hate to Cook Book"

Why do people keep mentioning falafel and lentils? I'm a vegan and I'm eating macaroni cheese and a grilled (vegan) steak as I write this. Not all vegans like lentils!

People have very knee-jerk reactions to and ideas about vegan food, IME.
Someone upthread said vegetable curry was 'vile'. What, every single one of them ever made?

What's in your cheese sauce potato?

Whoever it was saying that making a wedding vegan isn't 'displaying the greatest hosting skills' - only if good hosting involves having to totally go against your own beliefs at your own wedding. Oh, and knowing, as someone further up said, that animals have suffered and died just to cater for people's whims.

I can well believe this! I put on my DS's birthday invites that the meal would be veggie (he has a friend with allergies, and the info about what they would be eating was largely for his mum).

One of the mums said "Oh, vegetarian. I'll have to bring some sausages for my DD"

Me: "oh" but thinking "wtf?!!"

kathycraig79 it may not feel like it but they are doing your DD a favour. If they won't come over something so petty, she's better off getting married without them there.

Stupid question maybe - but do vegans eat yeast? Is yeast plant based or not?

This isn't goady either, but what about vegans who can't/won't breastfeed? What do their babies have instead?

Soya formula isn't not a great substitute for breastmilk.

I am kicking myself for including it on the invitations

I don't think you should blame yourself for this - in fact I believe you did the right thing, since from these guests' rather spiteful attitude they'd probably have created a fuss on the day if they didn't like the meal

I admit veggie/vegan wouldn't be my choice, but actually I'd quite enjoy something a bit different just for once; anyway I believe that guests should accept or decline an invitation as it is, not start stamping and demanding about what they'd rather have (genuine allergies, etc, excepted of course, and even then it's important to be polite)

I agree with PPs about ignoring this unpleasant behaviour, inviting others to fill in if possible, and enjoying the day with all the people who actually want to be there

MilkTwoSugars veganism isn't about being perfect, so it acknowledges that we're killing stuff just by our mere existence, but it's about doing the very best you can. There's a world of difference between the sort of unavoidable death that isn't currently in our power to fix and keeping other beings trapped and suffering until we murder them because people like meat. Meat is non-essential to our diets and we have other options readily available to us.

Sallying, would you also be keeping all calves produced by the happy cows, as normally these go on to be killed. And you couldn't kill them when get stopped producing milk either.
I've no idea what the 'natural' conditions for cows would be. It was a theoretical question. But they used to exist before humans started breeding them, so presumably if left alone they could still survive.
Just like other 'farmyard' animals in fact.

This isn't goady either, but what about vegans who can't/won't breastfeed? What do their babies have instead?

You can get milk free formula. Costs a fortune though. We had it for ds on prescription because he was allergic to dairy

On the Oreos thing - they say that on their website because some vegans won't even risk contact with milk. The recipe does not contain any milk or other dairy products at all, and so technically they are vegan. There are very few factories where no other products are made, so most foods run that risk unless made in a completely dairy/meat free factory.

PurpleDaisies it's just a bog-standard cheesy white sauce with soya milk and vegan cheese (I use one called Violife Prosciano which is like parmesan). Highly recommended - Holland and Barrett sell it if you're curious ;)

Albadross - does it not worry you that many people all over the world live are suffering in order to grow and harvest foods? Or is it only animal suffering that vegans are bothered about?

No-ones perfect, but 99% of the food in my cupboard comes from this country where the workers live in pretty reasonable conditions.

Vegans are not morally superior.

MrsJoeyMaynard yup - yeast is vegan! I think I'm correct in saying it's a fungus?

You'd be surprised how much "normal" food is vegan :)

I don't see anywhere where Albadross claims that vegans ARE morally superior.

Nicknameused there are human milk banks, but personally I would give my child cow's milk if it was the only choice. I wouldn't put my veganism above my child's life. Currently my DS is only vegan when he's with me, because my DH is a meat-eater. We have a meat-free house and he has very very minimal dairy in his diet anyway, but if we were in a situation where his health was hanging in the balance, I wouldn't hesitate to give him an animal product if it was medically necessary. I don't think there are many, if any, situations where consuming animal products was medically necessary though.