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Original poster

Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

1000 replies

kathycraig79 · 29/05/2016 09:00

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

OP posts:
prettybird · 29/05/2016 13:47

The OP has only said that her dd's fiancé is not a vegan. Nothing about what food is or isn't prepared in the house.

I hate peppers and mushrooms, so never cook with them. Dh loves choosing things with them when we're out for a meal. He does occasionally cook them for himself - but there again, I don't have ethical issues with him eating them as long as the cooked peppers don't touch anything I will be eating Wink

So it's a bit of a stretch to accuse her dd of hypocrisy.

Iggi999 · 29/05/2016 13:47

Heinz beans certainly do not have meat in them, and are marked suitable for vegetarians. Hmm

UptownFunk00 · 29/05/2016 13:49

Your poor DD.

Some vegan meals are lovely, some not - just like meat based meals.

My DH is a keen meat eater but even he wouldn't complain about going without for a day. If you care for the hosts, surely you care for their wants, too?

I think 40 is a lovely number. Less expensive , more intimate and you can actually speak to everyone on the day.

I'd gladly attend if I was an acquaintance / colleague too!

Good luck to your daughter and her fiancé.

These family members sound like toasters!

Brainnotbrawn · 29/05/2016 13:50

To be fair Best Cat some people's past experiences of catered vegan food have not been great. Therefore bringing snacks along is probably a reasonable thing to do if you are worried about not liking the food. That does not necessarily mean throwing a chicken carcass into your handbag a packet of crisps will do.

WhingySquirrel · 29/05/2016 13:50

People who eat meat and dairy (as well as vegan things such as bread/chips/ beans/tomatoes/pasta/potatoes/pulses/legumes etc that are vegan), generally have a massive choice wherever they go, shops restaurants pubs bars parties other people's houses etc

Veganism is a lot less limited than it used to be thanks to the internet and a growth of popularity and knowledge BUT, when eating out and at weddings/ 'dos' etc, vegans are limited. These guests are being incredibly unreasonable moaning about having what they perceive as limited choice, that a vegan has to deal with all the time, for ONE DAY!! I find it really horrid to think people could be like that. If I was invited to a wedding where I thought I might not like the food, I'd eat beforehand or take some snacks with me-not going is horrible. It's HER day and she should be able to have her morals upheld for it.

venusinscorpio · 29/05/2016 13:51

Am trying to guess what "toasters" was autocorrected from Grin

Floggingmolly · 29/05/2016 13:53

How many people have refused to come? I'm Hmm at huge swathes of people all independently boycotting a wedding because of the menu choice.
It sounds a little strange; especially considering these people aren't random strangers; they're supposedly good friends who know the couple well??
Is the reality that it's actually just Great Aunt Edna and her friends, in which case you can just ignore and carry on as you are?
If it's wider than that; you know some really odd people.

YorkieDorkie · 29/05/2016 13:54

I'm a meat eater and I would really love to go to a vegan wedding! I'd love to see what a vegan caterer would do. Can I come instead?

Floggingmolly · 29/05/2016 13:55

Heinz baked beans certainly used to contain meat juices...

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/05/2016 13:58

EvilTwins

I suspect like the majority of vegan and vegetarian households (that I know) meat is not allowed in the house and the meat eater only eats meat outside of the home.

Ememem84 · 29/05/2016 13:59

albadross Oreos are vegan? i always thought they'd have some sort of dairy in them.

AprilSkies44 · 29/05/2016 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blankmind · 29/05/2016 14:01

Didn't know about the meat extracts in the baked beans sauce, thanks for that. Not eaten them for years (high sugar content) but will now be aware.

Some places cook chips with animal fat added to their oil, our local chippy does and McD's have beef and milk metro.co.uk/2015/01/22/macdonalds-has-finally-revealed-how-it-makes-french-fries-5031511/

Lots of softer bread has milk powder added, so do the loaves and other things 'baked in store' at supermarkets that are not labelled. Some independent bakers still use lard in bread.

Also beware some 'flavoured' types of nuts, Aldi's black pepper cashews have cream in the powdered flavouring.

Floggingmolly · 29/05/2016 14:01

Are they maybe wondering how far the veganism reaches; and they won't be allowed to wear leather shoes or carry leather bags? Bit of a stretch - but it's kind of extreme to announce it on the invites too?

NeedACleverNN · 29/05/2016 14:05

White and milk chocolate covered Oreo biscuits are not suitable for vegetarians. Oreo is not suitable for Vegans as they have the cross contact of Milk. Sorry, the Oreo recipe contains wheat so Oreo is not suitable for a gluten-free diet. Oreo does not contain nuts or any traces of nuts.

From the Oreo website

OnceThereWasThisGirlWho · 29/05/2016 14:09

molly Heinz baked beans certainly used to contain meat juices...

Other brands are available. Hmm

bestcat I'd also would like to know where all the hate and disdain for vegans comes from.

I think it comes from the discomfort of cognitive dissonance. We are a nation of animal lovers, on the whole, and on top of that people generally are divorced from the animal/slaughter side of things. They don't like being reminded of that, and it contradicts their beliefs about how they treat animals (I mean, why are a pig and a dog so different they deserve such radically different treatment?)

Vegans remind them of that. They hate it.

If it's a speciality vegan caterer, not a standard one trying to cobble together a vegan meal, I bet the food will be really good.

prettybird · 29/05/2016 14:11

April : the OP explained in a later post that it was 10 out of 50, all from her side of the family and that there was other history there as well Hmm

It doesn't sound like it would be a big loss if they didn't attend. And better to know now that they'd be snotty about vegan food than have them be sour-faced on the day do I take back my initial comment about it not having been a good idea to put it on the invite

BoneyBackJefferson · 29/05/2016 14:11

Floggingmolly

You are correct as they used to be glazed in oils containing pork fat.

I have no idea if they still are.

CharlieSierra · 29/05/2016 14:14

She didn't post and run - she came back and clarified/answered some of the questions

Or came back and drip fed until the debate livened up.........Hmm

Iggi999 · 29/05/2016 14:18

Mcdonalds fries in the UK are vegetarian
Heinz beans are vegetarian

LadyMumble · 29/05/2016 14:20

Am I the only one who always takes a sausage roll and a flapjack to weddings in my handbag for just in case the photos take hours and hours without any food, or just to soak up the bucks fizz in between meals?

I feel very sad for your dd that her family won't attend (with or without their own snacks) and think the family members who have refused are being very selfish to put on her in this way. It's holding her to ransom for a slab of beef! Completely unreasonable.

Your dd and her betrothed should go ahead with their wedding plans and keep their day exactly as they want it to be. You need to support her with this and be on her side every time it is mentioned in future; she has done nothing wrong.

Tallulahoola · 29/05/2016 14:22

Sorry if I've missed it but has the OP said what the planned menu is going to be? I'm trying to imagine what a (3-course?) vegan meal would be.

Regardless though - I'm staggered by some of the responses on this thread. I go to weddings because the bride and groom are my friends or family, I want to see them get married and join in the celebrations. Over the years I've had good food and bad food, free bars and bring your own booze, in a room over a pub or in a stately home. All of those things are details, nothing more. To turn down a wedding invitation because the food might not be to your liking makes you a giant arsehole. FFS just stash a Mars Bar in your handbag if you think you're going to be hungry.

MadamDeathstare · 29/05/2016 14:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wordsaremything · 29/05/2016 14:25

Genius stuff, O P Wink

Saffy1981 · 29/05/2016 14:25

This is heading for Daily Mail territory, outraged family members refuse to attend wedding serving vegan meal!! So of 50 people invited, 10 from your family are refusing to come because they've catered for your daughter's vegan diet in the past and she's not returning the gesture by serving them meat at her wedding? Bonkers. They sound pathetic and spiteful, I wouldn't want them at my daughter's wedding if they are throwing their toys out of the pram for this reason. Enjoy a wedding with the 40 people who are reasonable and respect her choice, it's her wedding after all she can have whatever kind of wedding she likes, oh and I think you did the right think mentioning the food on the invitations, can you imagine the uproar these people may have caused on the day if they'd turned up expecting their meat and two veg?! Your daughter is better off without them there if they prioritise a bit of meat and being compensated over celebrating a family marriage. Plus I think 40 people at a wedding is fine, why does she want 150-200 people or was I reading that wrong?! Don't feel bad op it's not your fault all this upset has been caused, you're better off without those people there x

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