Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

I am trying to be supportive, but I don't really understand why my daughter can't allow a menu choice to try and please everyone. The people who have refused told me (they spoke with me directly) that they are fed up having to make concessions for my daughter and provide vegan food at any parties or events (not that they have thrown many), and then not have their own tastes catered for when the roles are reversed.

Because it is an ethical decision! She will not want to pay or be part of paying for the slaughter of meat or abuse of cows.

I say this as a meat eater, but I do understand where she is coming from.

I have a vegetarian friend who hates people eating meat around her, it upsets her, I care about her, so I don't eat meat when I am with her.

These people, they need to realise it is about celebrating a wedding, not stuffing their faces with beef or whatever, and get over it!

Really I can't believe yur not surprised as I would imagine op daughter would refuse to attend a wedding if only meat was being served and no veggie option

We had a guest who only ate fish he would not of attend if we could not accomadte as he would of been starving vegan food is foul I could just about stand vegtrain but vegan is a step to far I would not attend

The guests haven't rudely refused because they're worried about the groom's diet.

We kept kosher for a while a few years ago, I was more than capable of doing without prawns and ham at home and ordering them out if I felt like it.

Your poor daughter (and you). How rude of her guests to decline based on food. My BIL is getting married this summer and his lovely bride-to-be is a vegan so their wedding is vegan, and like you my MIL sent out the invites with the vegan menu and a paragraph about the wedding being vegan. Nobody has declined.

My view is that they aren't worth the invite as they clearly don't care about your daughter and her husband enough to celebrate their special day with them. And if they are family then that's even worse. I'd be going NC with them after this. Stuff them!

And as for no drink well this is England

A dry wedding it's just not done

Therefore, vegan food is the lowest common denominator

Unfortunately, that's all too often true in other ways (and I speak as someone who was vegan for a few years). There's a deeply unpleasant "enjoyment of food is ideologically unsound" streak of Calvinism in some veganism, and Lena Dunham's point about it being an ineffective eating disorder is also sometimes true. There is joyous, lovingly made, pleasurable vegan food like I used to cook and there is grey lentil wallpaper paste, containing nutrition but no joy, as served at your local wholefood co-operative. A lot of vegan catering is in the latter category, and as someone who still eats a sizeable amount of vegan and an even more sizeable amount of vegetarian food, my heart would sink at the offer of a vegan wedding meal, even though actually the ones I've had have been OK.

South Indian veggie is, by the way, the airline meal of the gods, particularly on flights departing from London.

My main objection is the use of the words can and will.

A vegetarian can eat meat, but will not.

But that's not really the point here.

The point is that if a meat eater should provide for vegetarians, then a vegetarian or vegan should provide for meat eaters.

And it's not the same as religion for a whole host of reasons. There is no vegan God for one thing Those claiming that being vegan is the Sam as being Jewish need to have a good hard think about it.

5 Pillas of Veganism?

Holy book of Veganism?

Vegan wedding only refers to the food, not the way the marriage ceremony is conducted.

It's not a belief system. It's choosing not to eat certain things for very specific moral reasons. It's not a religion.

Oh. My phone took a while to upload. I now see your question has been answered upteen times but you're choosing not to understand.

Not all chips are vegan..

Our local (and favourite) fish and chip shop cooks their chips in beef fat

Sorry about the typos.

The can and will argument applies exactly the same to religious prohibitions. So a non-starter.

Wow.

You really are very ignorant.

Veganism the same as Judaism.

Just wow.

I love the way that something that actually has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that someone is promising to spend the rest of their life with their partner is overshadowed by the fact that the food isn't to their liking.

Their wedding, their choice.

I understand it's a moral belief. However some morals, which society have now deemed less acceptable are berated. Eg a mother, who rejects her child for being gay because of highly religious morals. I'm not saying I disagree with ops DD but I am struggling to see the difference. Isn't it a matter of what is societally acceptable in 2016? And yes I think the mother would be an ass. But why are we so quick to judge the mother as being wrong and not the vegan?

And it is a belief system. It's a way of living your life, which is based on a non-universal belief that animals shouldn't be killed or exploited for food. How is that not a belief system?

Being vegan is not the same as being Jewish but the impact on guests at a wedding may be similar in that it means lobster thermidor won't be on the menu.

A strand of Jewish thought is that Adam and Eve were vegan so that it is a mitzvah to stick to a vegan diet - but like in most Jewish thought there is a second strand that says effectively 'but what are you going to do about it, people aren't perfect'.

And it is a belief system. It's a way of living your life, which is based on a non-universal belief that animals shouldn't be killed or exploited for food. How is that not a belief system?

I personally would be excited about being served a vegan meal, purely for the novelty value and it being a one off.

Whilst I do think the guests that have declined because of the meal type are unreasonable I think there are clues of a back story and they have simply got fed up of pampering to your DD's dietary requirements whilst finding this is not being reciprocated.

Stick to the vegan wedding but a few kind words to your DD that she needs to be more flexible towards others in the future.

Sorry for duplicate posts, stupid phone!

Scarlets my MIL ruined our wedding by offering money and then only allowing it to be spent on things SHE wanted for HER big day. When we refused something she withdrew all the money 8 days before the wedding!!! She put it back when the strop didn't result in her getting her own way but she had stressed us out so much by then and it put a real strain on our relationship.

If I had a time machine I would politely but firmly decline her offer of financial input in the first instance. You sound lovely and your kids are really lucky!

So a vegan who has moral objections to the slaughter and consumption of animals and animal products should just shrug and agree to allow their wedding to be celebrated with the consumption of meat, eggs and dairy - because their guests inability to go a few hours without animal products trumps the couples desire not to support those industries?

That just makes the meat eating guests sound glutinous and selfish. As if they are going to morph into zombies, shuffling round the venue intoning "must eat meat, now" because it's been 5 hours since their breakfast bacon and eggs.

Can she not have a vegtrain wedding as a half way house I think vegan is to far for most

I'm perfectly respectful of other's food prohibitions, based on belief. Religious, spiritual and moral. How exactly is that ignorant?

The author of the book A Man Called Ove has some hilarious blog posts about things to eat before events where you suspect there won't be enough to eat, which he calls pre-eater food. One dish is a sandwich made from a whole loaf of bread, slightly hollowed out (the bread that's scooped out is rolled into little balls and fried in butter and beer to snack on while you're making the rest). He fills this loaf then with layers upon layers of cheeses and meats, fries the whole thing in butter and wraps it in pastrami. It's both fantastic and obscene, as well as awe-inspiring. And then, I presume, he goes to the event, eats the measly portion of fish served there and shuts the hell up. You go to a wedding to celebrate the marriage, not to be a fussy eater. I cannot understand meat eaters (and I am one) who go berserk at the idea of missing a meal with meat. Also I wonder how many of them have on occasion eaten that fine British meal of beans on toast, essentially vegan, and thought nothing of it. Eejits.

I think the guests are being rude, but you were right to put this info on the invite. I would want to know in advance, I eat a low carb diet for health reasons which is pretty vegan-incompatible (as I eat a lot of meat and dairy) although I would be ok for one day.... but I'd want to know in advance.

Maybe the guests felt like your daughter was imposing her moral judgements on them, and it was a step too far? However, I agree that it's her wedding, her way.

Is there any room for compromise on this - is it essential that all the food is vegan?