Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

Wonko - indeed some pasta has egg in it but if you were vegan, you'd choose the pasta that doesn't. It's usually cheaper too!

EvilTwins - if meat eaters have a genuine moral or religious objection to vegetables then I agree they should not have to provide them.

I have never met one of these militants meat eaters in real life.

It's one meal - she's not telling them to become vegan forever (though no doubt she'd be happy if they did.) I've had vegan meals which were excellent, really delicious. I'd be interested to see what was on the menu.

I'm not sure I've ever known what food I'll be getting at a wedding before it's been served, unless I've been close enough to be involved in the organisation, though I've usually been able to say if I have any allergies or am vegetarian.

Besides, surely the point of a wedding is to see friends or family (or both!) make a major commitment to each other. It's nice to get a good meal, especially if it's going on for hours. It seems incredibly rude to turn it down because you won't like the food (which you don't know till you'be tried). If you're really worried, you could do as a coeliac family member had to for years and make sure they took her own food as a back up - gluten-free options weren't really around in the 1970s.

Any wedding I have ever been to has included the menu along with the invitation. The meal options are then selected by the guest and returned along with the RSVP....I don't think it was unreasonable at all to state the vegan meal choice on the invites. If folk are unwilling to attend due to the food then sod them! Theyve had the advance warning and now less likely to be anyone causing a fuss on the day when the vegan meal is presented to them.

Iv been to a wedding with a hog roast and as I don't eat meat guess what I had?

A single plain roll as there was not even coleslaw or lettuce or even butter.

Was I annoyed? slightly but only because I was hungry! It was their day and I was happy they wanted me to share it with them!

Lying the chips thing is something I always pull out when people do that "but what do you eat??!" comment!!

Like veganism is some strange exotic diet!

Luckily my friends are all like you, the ones who do eat meat are more than happy to come round for dinner, and have as far as I know always had an open mind, and never complained about a vegan meal!

An open mind for one day really never hurt anyone!

I eat meat - I can't imagine that even with a family containing a fair few beef, dairy, sheep and pig farmers that they'd turn down the invitation because it's vegan. I'd expect them to grumble on the day, at least some of them, "bloody rabbit food," but not to refuse because of it.

Yes, most of the weddings I've been to recently have included menu options in the invite. Like any sit down catered event.

To be fair on the OP, she might actually have a life outside of MN - she might even be talking to her dd about some of the different perspectives on her. She didn't post and run - she came back and clarified/answered some of the questions.

It's been less than two hours since she last posted - she might be out enjoying the lovely day (which reminds me, I really should get off here and into the garden! )

I think your daughter is being totally reasonable to have her wedding as vegan only. The guests are very very rude. I used to work somewhere that did vegan wedding catering and people usually lobed the vegan food at the weddings. Many genuinely hadn't realised how lovely vegan food can be. To be honest if my family were so rude over this I wouldn't want them there anyway.

What is her fiance's take? You mention "the" family, is that yours or his or both?

Fresh pasta is usually made with egg. Dried pasta usually isn't.

I had never even considered that dried pasta wasn't just the same as fresh, but...well, dried. But you're right! Just been on tesco.com to check the ingredients. I feel weird about dried pasta now!

I had never even considered that dried pasta wasn't just the same as fresh, but...well, dried.

There is non-egg fresh pasta and egg dried pasta. Egg pasta and non-egg pasta are different things.

YABU to be pissed off with your daughter. Now is the time to show her some support. Reading between the lines, there was always a chance that this part of the family would not come? There is a history of disagreement? It looks as though you/she have provided them with an excuse not to come by blaming it on the food.

I agree with PP that if the food is more important to them than seeing their family get married, who needs the fuckers there anyway?

Tell her what a good job it is you have managed to weed them out rather than paying for them when they don't really have her best interests at heart. Tell her how proud you are of her standing by her values.

Have we lost the OP as we didn't agree with her? Bit like the outraged wedding guests really.

So today is Sunday and vegans might be having an evil mix of roast potatoes, stuffing, yorkshire puddings, gravy and maybe (whispers) some broccoli and carrots. On a plate. The dirty bastards.

Just a question op. Who's paying for the wedding? Because if you are then I do understand the level of involvement.

Your family are utterly disgusting for refusing to attend a wedding because free food is more important to them then celebrating a union.

If I was your daughter I would happily tell them to fuck the fuck off.
I'd get some lovely little cards printed and post them all.

"Dear XXXX
Thank you for your prompt RSVP to our wedding invitation. We are sorry that you will not be joining us but look forward to seeing you soon.

Love
XXXX"

And that removes the family's ability to change their mind.
Bunch of Cunts.

To the PP who cited that people probably don't like have having other's principle's inflicted on them.

Would you refuse to go to a Jewish, Muslim, Sikh, Hindu, etc wedding because you needed caffeine, pork, meat, etc etc?

Christ almighty I'm glad I don't have people like that in my life.

OP. Take your daughter's side. Your decision to inform guests of the menu in advance was interesting but clearly the right decision for your family as it's sorted the selfserving bastards from those who care for your daughter.

I know some people who'd be a bit uncertain about a fully vegan menu, but I don't know anyone who'd refuse to attend a wedding for this reason. It's half a day ffs! Surely something else is at play?

I'd love to be able to pay for my daughters' weddings, or any part of them, and they can having anything they want although I might draw the line at a ritual sacrifice and go for a disco instead. I usually pay for my kids' stuff and now they are old enough not to want a puppy all the time, I let them choose it, even though I am paying.

If you give money to your kids for their wedding you give it freely not so as to allow you to manipulate things.

obelisk op mentioned upthread that it's the dds side of the family that are kicking up the fuss... however fiance (not vegan) had said he doensf see why they can't provide more options but is now staying out of it.

fiance (not vegan) had said he doensf see why they can't provide more options but is now staying out of it.

I give it twelve months.

Please stick up for your daughter. You did the right thing by advising of the vegan menu on the invitations. But it's a courtesy. I wouldn't have actually expected people to decline the invite on that basis. They obviously wouldn't have been coming for the right reasons anyway. Pretty selfish and horrible behaviour.

I have always held the view that if everyone has to cater for vegans, vegetarians etc etc then it is a two way street. Equality and diversity and all that.

It does strike me that if so many invitees are declining, there must be some reason other than the food, and they are just using that as a convenient excuse.
Cost of travel/accommodation is one that springs to mind.

Whoever said 'It's just half a day' - well, it may be if you live very close by, but it very often isn't. The last few weddings I've been to have involved a very long day indeed, with lengthy journeys both ends and at least one night in a hotel thrown in. More often two, if on the day it was going to mean a very early start and hours in the car otherwise.