Am I unreasonable to be p***ed off with my daughter and her wedding?

[kathycraig79]

My daughter's wedding is this summer, we've been planning it together for months and we have genuinely had a good time doing so. However, my daughter is a vegan, and she is adamant that the wedding also must be vegan. This is fine with me, I support her wish and this is for her to decide. We sent the invitations (and I thought it would be a good idea to include the information about vegan catering on the invitations) and we have had many RSVPs basically saying they will not be coming if the food is vegan. I have to say this was unexpected, many of the family are quite traditional, meat-and-two-veg, but I did not expect this to be such a problem.

The thing now is that many of the guests are refusing to come, and my daughter is not willing to budge. I personally don't see the big deal in catering for everyone's tastes, it was a bloody nightmare to book the vegan caterer. I'm really getting frustrated, yesterday my daughter said she was thinking of cancelling the whole thing and thinks the guests are being unreasonable. Maybe I should not have put this information on the invitations?

When you say vegan food was mentioned on the invitation are the guests aware of the actual menu or just that it's vegan food? They may be struggling to think of vegan food that they like, but if they had seen the actual menu they may realise that they do like vegan food, they just don't think of it as vegan food.

Do you think if the wedding had been non-vegan they'd have just RSVP'd yes and that would have been it or are they the kind of people who would have found an issue in something else?

Mushrooms

I get that, and don't like them in lots of things myself (mushrooms in a creamy curry?? Just no!!) so you'd be alright at my vegan occasion!

You often get this type of bizarre logic fail presented as a killer argument in vegan/vegetarian discussions, I find.

Its a wedding, the food is incidental
Clearly to some people food is the most important thing there is!

We had an alcohol-free wedding, and lots of guests grumbled and left early, which meant that we were able to have an extra long wedding night
Your daughter's guests are bloody rude. Leave them to their narrow-mindedness and have a smaller celebration with those who really want to be there.

I think we need to know what the menu is before really being able to say.

Being vegan is not the same as being Jewish.

Just playing Devil's advocate. I am perfectly sure my cousin (A) will be catering for the other cousin (B) because she wants B to attend.

The whole thing is quite hypocritical though. Vegans can force their beliefs on others and others are unreasonable to object, but it doesn't go both ways. Veganism does not place one in a higher moral position.

B's wedding was actually bloody awful. No objections to vegan food, but cold vegan buffet was limited. But yes, it was just one meal. However, given that A will actively cater for B but B did not, I think that makes A a more thoughtful host.

What a load of twats!
We ate going to a wedding with a pig roast. My dh is veggie so prubabky won't want to see a dead pig on a spit but will cope for a few hours!

Are you sure they understand what it means?

Presumable A does not have a moral objection to people eating chick peas?

I enjoy cooking and even though I eat (and enjoy) meat, I can easily think of lovely tasty dishes that are vegan.

Robert Carrier has a recipe for lovely salad of blanched (I roast them too) almonds, cucumber, spring onions, avocado, tomatoes, chopped parsley, thyme and a dressing of Tabasco, tomato purée, olive oil and white wine vinegar (actually has Cheshire cheese too - but easy enough to leave out).

A rice dish with pomegranate seeds and mint is tasty and colourful.

A cold tomato soup made with a vodka dressing, served with garlic bruschetta and drizzled with olive oil.

Humous, salsa, guacamole.

I was at a party last night which had a tasty puy lentil salad, with a thinly shaved red onions and a sharp dressing. There was also tasty pasta with a tomato sauce.

I've seen a friend post up photos of a fabulous vegan trifle she'd made. I wouldn't have though it was possible, but she said everyone loved it.

I make a lovely moist chocolate cake which is dead easy and happens to be vegan (which I only realised when I thought about the ingredients)

I'm feeling hungry now

I think your family are seeing veganism as a lifestyle choice and their lifestyle choice is omnivorism. Their interpretation is that they have willingly catered for her by providing vegan food in the past (which they would not eat themselves) and she is being unreasonable not to reciprocate the gesture. I understand their arguments and your dds arguments and if she is ready to forego their presence then there is no problem. Personally I think it is a case that the guests are unable to see her point of view and she is unwilling to see theirs. I really think this stalemate is most unfortunate.

Go on, eviltwins, why are the food prohibitions of veganism any different to the food prohibitions of Islam or Judaism? If you have a heartfelt belief that it's morally wrong to kill or exploit animals that is not the same as a food preference, it's similar to a spiritual belief.

There was also tasty pasta with a tomato sauce.

Regular pasta isn't vegan; it's made with egg.

B's wedding was actually bloody awful. No objections to vegan food, but cold vegan buffet was limited

But that's B not being a good host because the food was awful, not because it was a vegan buffet. I don't really see why people should have to provide either particular food or alcohol to guests if they don't want to spend their money on something they disagree with.

Having said that, personally I would leave an alcohol-free wedding quite early because if I am getting dressed up and spending money on attending, part of that celebration for me is having a few glasses of champagne and making the most of a night away from normal responsibilities! I wouldn't really want to spend that rare and expensive night off drinking Diet Coke for hours.. But of course that is a whole different thread and in any event I certainly wouldn't think the hosts should have provided alcohol if it is against their beliefs or if there are reasons why they don't want alcohol around.

Some vegans do see it as a lifestyle choice, like clean eating etc. The kind of vegans who have exclusively vegan weddings, not so much. It's clearly important to your DD, OP.

What is the menu?

As I said in a previous post, I have vegan relatives. If I'm hosting a family event I just make everything vegan - no fanfare or fuss. The non-vegans don't even notice.

However every family event that has involved external catering, the vegan options have been very poor. Just because delicious vegan food exists, doesn't mean caterers provide it.

But, as this thread has gone on, it's become obvious it's not about the food. The groom isn't vegan so they (your DD and him) do spend money on non-vegan food. Likewise your DD's home isn't a 'vegan household'. She is digging her heels in and she has to accept that the outcome of that is certain people won't attend.

You seem to feel stuck in the middle op but your DD has made her choices. Let her manage the consequences.

cozietoesie, I know everything there is to know about them (know thy enemy... that was drummed into me!). I'm fascinated by them but have never and could never, ever eat one.

BadDoGooder, I smiled when I saw your post mentioning chips because I was explaining this to my husband - chips and ketchup, perfectly vegan - add a fried egg and it becomes vegetarian.

I have the most wonderful starter at a work's do in a restaurant - it was the veggie option but it was possibly vegan. It was roasted baby carrot with fresh vegetable strands (I'd never get them like that if I tried) and some sublime dressing, tasted creamy but dairy free, slightly tart with horseradish? Anyway, it was delicious!

... as long as there are no m*rooms!

Yes, I absolutely agree with you that people should try something before they decide whether they like it or not (except funghi, for me). I've tried enough carnivore dishes I thought I would like and didn't - so it's not beyond the bounds of probability that this would work for vegetarian and vegan too.

I don't really see why people should have to provide either particular food or alcohol to guests if they don't want to spend their money on something they disagree with.

So meat eaters shouldn't have to provide food for vegans then.

Bruschetta with a mushroom pate or tapenade (personally hate mushrooms but realise that's my problem)

Peppers stuffed with rice and pine nuts (hate peppers even more but again, that's my problem)

Pesto on all sorts (pasta, or bruschetta)

Pears poached in red wine. Roasted caramelised pineapple. Fresh strawberries/raspberries/blueberries. Summer pudding.

Getting even more hungry!

And so the debate is sparked off and OP disappears never to be seen again.

I feel sorry for your DD- ultimately you're feeding and watering the guests for the day! I'm veggie but we had meat and fish options at the wedding- DH isn't veggie though. I wouldn't give in to the pressure to change the menu.

EvilTwins do meat eaters have strong ethical objections to veganism then?

EvilTwins - if meat eaters have a genuine moral or religious objection to vegetables then I agree they should not have to provide them.

"Regular pasta isn't vegan; it's made with egg."

That's not true. Fresh pasta is usually made with egg. Dried pasta usually isn't.