To be fed up of feeling like I'm a second-class member of society

[Mummyme1987]

I had a serious car accident a few years ago, and have various medical complications too. I use a wheelchair. I'm fed up with this feeling that because I have mobility and medical problems, I'm not a full member of society. I overheard a now non friend imply that I was a drain on society because I don't work. Lately I've had issues with people talking over me, at a checkout I'm ignored and even though my hand is out for the change it's given to my husband. Little things like people moving my wheelchair so I'm facing the wall. Even moving me so I bash my toes. And then there is the parking issues, comments about being too young to have mobility problems, like being young stops car accidents. I've put on weight since the accident, so i get a lot of too fat to walk comments. Why do people do this? My family are fab, we have other disabilities in the family, and at home I don't feel this way. Im now finding I don't enjoy leave the house unless I have too. Im fed up with other people's attitudes. When I have talked to these people about the attitude, they always try to lay it at my feet with the dont be so sensitive, maybe you are depressed (I'm not), I'm actually really happy, I just am fed up with your attitude! Im not even sure why i am writing this but it has boiled ever today.

You know the worst thing is that people seem to ask why on earth yoou are using a wheelchair if you can walk but I actually have witnessed the opposite.

Woman arrived to board a plane, in a wheelchair. The first chair available was a few step away from the door. There was no way you could bring the wheelchair closer to the seat.
So the steward asked her to walk to the chair. The woman said she couldn't.
'But surely, it's only a couple of steps!'
He was most put out when she said 'Actually no. I can NOT walk at all.'.....

The amount of things that people assume about disability is staggering.

The stupid thing is the actual level of disabled benefit fraud is so low. it's much less than they make out something like 0.4%. Mp expenses fraud is much higher!

It's ignorance just. When you are a wheelchair user, the chair is an extension of your body. If you (general you) are a twat, a chair is just an inanimate lump of metal.

Happy that's awful 😡
I'm asked why I'm in the chair and what happened.

Happy you have hit the nail on the head, people assume. They put their own feelings and assumptions onto you.

Reading through the absolute shit on this thread, I do think that we as a group need to advocate for ourselves more. We need to be strong and not let the bastards grind us down. We have enough crap to deal with just being disabled, without letting nob ends add to it.

I don't know whether I just come across as a strong person (I'm really not) but I have never had anyone say anything like this to me. I honestly couldn't give a shit what people think about me claiming what I'm entitled to. I worked from when I was 14 till when I was 38. I would love to still be working. I loved my job and it beat looking at the walls all day. Anyone who has an issue with that is welcome to swap for a week. They would go insane after a day!

Being disabled is bloody expensive. I need a chair for day to day use (when my agoraphobia lets me go out) and one that will go in the car. Yes I could get one on Motability, but that means giving up half of my benefit every week and paying twice what the chair is worth over three years, so I paid for them myself. I have had to give up a full time wage in exchange for way less than half what I earned, with no reduction in living costs. Yep, definitely worth faking for...not.

I've had to replace my entire wardrobe with clothes that are suitable for sitting down in. Not to mention the shit ton of weight I've put on from no longer doing a very active job.

Anyone who turns up their nose at people with any kind of disability needs to walk a mile in our shoes, but whinging rhetoric is not the way to change the way people think. Education is. Maybe through a powerful medium such as Mumsnet we can bring about a change of attitude.

MNHQ, I'm here if you think this would be something you could get involved with!

Agree Scope rang a campaign called stop the ackward with short videos on TV about what not to do while I acknowdge what trying I didn't like it.

If someone has never seen someone from ethnic minority and wary of them or saying wrong thing society basically expects you to put your big boy/girl pants on and get on with it. Imagine up roar if had campaign about how to talk to immigrant from India or such like of course not. Yet Disabled people who have always been here always been part of society can still be treated different it's still socially acceptable to treat different and act differently.

You want to know how to talk to someone in a wheelchair - try your mum/best friend/child is sitting down and there you go bingo! It's a chair not alien concept!

I totally understand what you are saying OP. I have to use a wheelchair on bad pain days and everything is true. I sometimes cause myself more pain by avoiding the wheelchair and all the bad things it brings, which is stupid. People think you are abusing the system, the blue badges. Yes I can walk but it's so painful I need to park close. Some people are great, but lots are ignorant. Sending lots of wheeliechair love x

I have been living with chronic neck/back problems for the past 5 years or so. I grew up with a mother who had MS and was in a wheelchair from when I was about 10 until she died. I really don't think things have changed in those 30 years or, if anything have got worse. I can walk short distances but then I literally cannot walk another step. I am on morphine patches, diazepam and codeine daily, yet work 26 hours per week.

I don't use any type of aid at work, although people know I am disabled and there are certain arrangements put in place to accommodate my needs. However, in the past year, I have had to use a wheelchair or borrow a mobility scooter to go out shopping. People are just ignorant of wheelchairs. It makes me realise how terrifying it must be for children in pushchairs because I'm sure they experience the same. People literally just walk in front of you, often stopping suddenly. My worst experience was when I was on a mobility scooter in Primark. I had queued up and was going to the next available till. Obviously it meant moving along behind people paying at other tills. I was going slowly, but one man literally grabbed his shopping and turned and walked right into me, landing on my lap. I apologised profusely but he walked off and I could hear him muttering to his wife about letting incapable people use scooters, even though he had paid no attention to his surroundings.

On another note, I recently went to the final two home games at West Ham's current ground. My brother took me and is not used to pushing me in a wheelchair. I have to say that, although the roads and general area were heaving, these people were some of the most considerate and caring I have met. If we asked someone to move, in general they apologised, moved out the way and tried to get others to move as well, clearing a path for us to get through.

Otherwise, on the whole, I would agree with everything others have mentioned here - particularly people giving you filthy looks if you dare to park in a disabled space with a blue badge, without being over about 80 years old.

For those saying we should speak up and stand up for ourselves, it is easier said than done. I'm not particularly confrontational but, if somebody actually said something to my face, then I would respond. However, hearing muttering, or seeing people looking at me and making remarks to one another, I would try to ignore them.

One thing that hasn't been mentioned on here and surprises me, unless I am the only person to be affected, is that if there are queues for toilets, people are not adverse to just popping in the disabled toilet, leaving those who actually need to use it waiting.

Thank you MummyMe1987 for bringing this very emotive subject up.

The reason the disabled/accessible toilet thing hasn't been mentioned Tonkatol is that I think people were trying to keep it on the topic of the shit suffered by disabled people, rather than descending into a toilet bunfight like so many other threads on the subject.

Mysteries you made me cry,thankyou.I'll remember that prayer when I'm worrying about my health letting my DC down.It's lovely and I've never heard it before

Tonkatol I'm pleased I did bring it up. I really was only having a rant in the middle of the night. I thought it would be gone by morning. I wonder how many people have read this? Is there a way to tell?
If you are reading this and support us can you post on thread? I would love to see the power of the lovely people on mumsnet support us.

The dental surgery I worked at had a big renovation quite a few years ago. One of the dentists was pacing out where to put the reception desk. I pointed out that he wasn't leaving enough room for a wheel chair to get around the corner. He said it didn't matter as whoever was pushing it could lift it to ease it around. He looked quite taken aback when I said that my boyfriend didn't need anyone to push his chair and that it had no handles anyway. (And he was pretty heavy, there was no way I could have lifted him even an inch).

I spoke about it with my boyfriend and he said he would have hopped his chair around the corner but the damage to the wall and expensive new desk would not be pretty.

Also, while I was dating the same fellow we had a work social event. One of my colleagues said to me that he had never met anyone in a wheel chair before and wasn't sure how to treat him. I replied that bf had never met anyone who made dentures for a living before but I'm sure they'd find something to talk about.

MNHQ can you tell how many views this threads has had?

We were visiting a university campus with one of our children. We were 'walking' on a footpath next to a lawn when some woman walks backwards off the Lawn into my husband in his electric wheelchair, falling into him and making him veer off the pavement (quite a high curb) into the road. He very nearly toppled out of his chair and he was very shaken up, as was I. It could have been very nasty if a car or bus was passing. This stupid woman then says, "oh dear, don't worry, I'm ok, I'm ok!" How I kept from decking her, I have no idea!

Another time in a shop, some dizzy mare leant on the control panel of the chair with her bag making it propel forwards into her! My husband had to keep repeating to her that she was pushing the controls not him!

The number of times people walk right across us as we are going down a street is unbelievable, such rude inconsiderate people about makes you despair.

What pisses me off are people parking in disabled bays with no blue badge. When I pull them about it and I always do. They say I'm only going to be a minute. They're usually quite rude and defensive about being told they shouldn't park there. If I Cant park near to the door of supermarkets etc I cant go in, if all the disabled bays are full I have to go home. I'd love to be able to walk the full length of the car park. I use oxygen, I often have to use a wheelchair for distance or if I'm feeling particularly vile. I became gravely ill unexpectedly, I wasn't expected to survive. I did but am left with life limiting disabilities. I'd swap my blue badge for healthy lungs in a heartbeat.

We all would gratefully swop too
Pity they don't think that.

Oooh I hate that when someone pushes my wheelchair out of the way! Can you imagine what would happen if they lifted a standing person and moved them because they were in the way. I love my powered chair for that reason, it's far too heavy to be manoeuvre from behind easily!

I totally get where you are coming from, I had a waitress ask my Dad what I would like to eat, he burst out laughing and said 'why don't you ask her yourself!', the waitress then kneeled down so she was on my level and asked in a very patronising sing song voice ' is there anything you would like to eat from the menu?'. I was so shocked I never thought of a witty comeback. I just ordered my meal. I was even more flabbergasted when she then turned to my Dad and asked ' is she allowed to eat those?'.

I was absolutely fuming and mortified! I also have people pretend that I'm not there, doors shut in my face and strangers thinking it's ok to ask 'what happened'.

When I joined my hubby to collect my daughter from nursery, I had a parent ask ' so you are in a wheelchair all the time now are you?', I replied 'yes' and was then asked ' so how is that going for you? Do you like being in a wheelchair?'......I was like excuse me! Do I like? Do you think I just fancied not walking anymore!!!!!!

I have heard people go on about bloody disabled people, leaching off our benefit system. Then they realise I am there and they say 'oh but i don't mean you!'.

Saying that for every idiot there have been so many lovely people, who are kind and will go out of their way to be helpful. It has been enlightening however!

I was with my cousin pushing her teenage son in his wheelchair while we went for a walk. I was surprised when this couple walking the other way stopped and expected me to move the wheelchair up onto the grass so they didn't have to stop walking. My cousin said it happened all the time, people coming from the other direction and stopping and just standing waiting while she moved out of their way so they could continue walking.

I have experienced this ignorance the elderly have to endure too. Accompanying my mother to doctor's appointments and the doctors would completely ignore her and speak only to me about her and ask me questions. I would tell them to speak to my mother as I was not the patient. It would annoy her not being directly spoken to and she would tell me not to come in with her but then she would be treated badly if I wasn't there and would sometimes forget some of the things they said. She still was the one who knew how she felt not me and should have been asked about her symptoms. Some of the things she had to put up with when she was very unwell. it makes me angry thinking about it

The elderly are discriminated against as much as disabled people I fear.

Hello,
I haven't read through the entire thread just the first couple of pages. I stopped then because I was getting too wound up hearing all the awful experiences people had been having.

I am not a wheelchair user but I do self-identify as disabled and my husband sometimes uses a wheelchair when he needs to.

We're in our fifties and we've experienced plenty of discriminatory behaviour towards ourselves and to our son who inherited our genetics.

Eventually we started standing up against it and became disability activists. My husband and I even gave evidence at the House of Lords to a committee looking into the effect of the Equality Act 2010 on the lives of disabled people.

A big help to us was getting involved with our local disability rights organisation Disability Wales. We learned about the Social Model of Disability - which turned out not to be as complicated nor as boring as at first I thought it sounded but instead helped us view our lives from a completely different perspective and gave me confidence to speak up where it made a difference and to try and make changes in our community wherever possible. Mostly by not accepting bad behaviour and learning effective ways of responding.
Most areas have groups or organisations and they are well worth getting involved with. I did a short internship with Disability Wales and it really opened my eyes to how the world could be if only people were better informed and educated on how to properly include disabled people within all aspects of society.
This might be a helpful link for people who are interested in finding more information:
Disability Wales - Social Model page www.disabilitywales.org/social-model/

Mummyme1987 - you asked people reading this to post if they support you all. I do. I'm not a wheelchair user, but I totally support you. I will remember what I have found out about your experiences and will do my best never to act in the ways described!

thank you Cheesecakefan. Awareness is the key to change. I just want to know that people have read this and understand. I'm sure you are one of the lovely 80% anyway but I appreciate the sentiment.

Banana thanks for the link, I will read up about it.

I'm a Bolshy mare and a frequent signer of petitions yet am ashamed to admit the equality laws don't equate to just being able to report businesses for appalling treatment of the disabled. That ABSOLUTELY should be the case in fact bin the 'benefit fraud' someone's pissed me off and I wanna cause them grief hotline and repurpose it for reporting disablist arses!

I know accessibility is still a major issue in this country. There's too many get out clauses for making modifications for starters! Me and dd also have the problem with high/dropped kerbs.

Disabled toilets - again dd and I have BOTH been accused of 'not needing to use it'

I agree with the pp who said about children needing to experience (in a very small way) disability but would extend that to everyone! I wish there were the money to have a 'disability experience' day. A national holiday where everyone spends time in a wheelchair/wearing blackout glasses/wearing deafness imitating plugs (as a Guide leader I did this with the girls a few times).

A new 'friend' of dds that was sceptical of dds hms dd came up with the idea of strapping weights to the girls knees, ankles, elbows and wrists. Then dd went 'ok now walk to school and back, walk round school all day with a heavy school bag as well as those, then round town for an hour with your mates THEN tell me I've nothing to complain about! The girl kept them on for TWENTY MINUTES and couldn't do it any more. They're now good friends and she is one of the first to step up if dd gets crap!