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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell this Ridiculous competitive parent to shut the hell up

227 replies

Choccybadger · 28/05/2016 00:43

There is a parent at my childrens' school who winds me up so much I am struggling not to explode in an undignified manner.
I have tried to keep my distance at the gates, in playground etc but she always makes a beeline for me.
She knows we have been house hunting for a while as it comes up sometimes and my kids tell their friends what they did at the w/end.
Most of our conversations go like this.
Her: have you found a house yet?
Me: no, not what we're looking for just yet.
Her: our house is on the market too. We've been offered £xx for it but not sure whether to take it as think it's worth more. Our house is so amazing you know.
Me: lovely. Hope you find something.
Her: we've decided to wait til next year as my partner will move up so so much in salary and bonus and will be able to buy a £1m house just with his bonus. It's just so much easier to find something decent over the £1m. Everything else is a bit shit

Me: great.
Her: yeah, we will just have SO much money. You know, we've just bought the £70k car, having a £15k holiday because we know how much money we will have. It's embarrassing. What's your budget? How much does your husband earn?

Now, we don't do too badly but I feel very uncomfortable talking about money like this with someone I barely know. I find it quite rude to keep talking about it and also to suggest that anything anyone buys for less than £1m is crap. That's not the case. We don't live in London and our part of the world doesn't have the highest prices.

It doesn't stop there. Literally every time shd speaks to me she tells me how gifted her children are and she's been told they are "amazing" at something or other. The way she puts it sounds as though she is putting my kids down, my youngest in particular.
I get the impression it's personal, that she's not like this with other mums.
How can I politely but firmly tell her I just don't care and actually find it rude, uncomfortable and belittling as well as hating the barbed comments about my kids in relation to hers?

OP posts:
elfies · 29/05/2016 21:55

I used to have a lovely neighbour whose best put down was a simple 'Yes, well ' , then she would simply turn away from confrontations . She was wonderful at avoiding irritating people .

changeznameza · 29/05/2016 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beccabanana · 29/05/2016 22:46

You often find people who are used to having real mega money never talk about it and those who don't or who have come into it are often startled by this lifestyle they weren't brought up in and feel they have to 'prove' they belong too by bragging and trying to sound oh so nonchalant.
Whenever I've come across these people I've tended to say that I don't discuss money, my parents always said it was a little vulgar to do so, or the polite nod and 'really?' And not get drawn into it

SanityClause · 29/05/2016 23:03

Apparently grand ladies in the American south say "Bless your heart!" when they're being spun a bit of a boastful yarn.

I don't know how it would work over here, but I think you could give it a go, and see?

BusyNothings · 29/05/2016 23:24

A friend from work loves telling us about Mrs browns boys educating her in situations like this.
Simply say "that's nice" and enjoy a little smile to yourself.

GlomOfNit · 29/05/2016 23:31

My 8 yr old son has an on-again, off-again friend at school. Friend can be sweet and friendly at times, but then will veer into blatantly untrue bragging and one-upmanship, boasting that his granddad used to be in The Beatles/that he has every single Star Wars lego set in existence/that his mum is taking him to LEGOLAND for a week/etc. He'll also be quite unkind to friends he was playing happily with an hour earlier. In other words, precisely what this woman is doing, only on an 8 year old level and using 8 year olds' currency.

This boy is really insecure, his dad doesn't live with them and I don't think there's much money at home. DS1 sees this all at face value (i.e. he often believes the boasts and it makes him feel sad) and I'm able to see what's really going on.

OP, can't you? Just feel compassion for her, and move on. You'll feel better for giving her the benefit of the doubt. I can't imagine she's at all happy, whatever the truth of her actual living conditions.

GiddyOnZackHunt · 29/05/2016 23:44

It does all sound a bit 'future improbable'. He will, we will...
I wonder if they're in debt up to their eyeballs and she knows it. Perhaps a "Well I hope that all works out for you" would be. a suitable response?

PortiaCastis · 30/05/2016 00:17

As my grandmother says " Al lace curtains and no knickers "

KittySnow86 · 30/05/2016 01:23

Maybe she's hoping you will make an offer on their house?

It would be the stuff about my children that would upset me the most though. I would definitely have to say something about that.

Originalfoogirl · 30/05/2016 08:39

Hmm, maybe you should shame this person on the internet so lots of people can suggest ways to be really mean, and feel smug about how much better than her they are. 🙄

Or, maybe you could act like an adult and either tell her politely you find her conversation uncomfortable and can you talk about something else, or be part of the conversation and just steer it in another direction.

I can't understand why it's always considered a better way to deal with someone to be nasty and rude and freeze them out, like girls in an infant school playground. Horrible.

mumof4lovelysons · 30/05/2016 09:10

This is one of the reasons I stopped going into the playground ... pushy, overbearing, ridiculous mothers!! If possible find another safe place that you can meet your child at and avoid all that crap Smile

EvieT49 · 30/05/2016 09:48

Hmmm....I might be inclined to say:
I expect with that kind of income ~ you must give an awful lot to charity, too?
Always good to give something back..,
Help those less fortunate....

parrots · 30/05/2016 16:24

Originalfoogirl

Totally agree. The sort of spiteful responses suggested throughout the thread would only reduce op to the same level as the lady she's complaining about.

Katherine2626 · 30/05/2016 16:59

The next time she starts about money and mentions exact amounts (salary, house value etc. ) pause for a moment and then ask her if she is aware that it is considered the height of vulgarity to discuss money, and turn slightly away. It might do the trick, but in I have found that people who need to keep on about how much they have got and compare themselves favourably to other 'poorer' and 'less fortunate people' often have great gaping holes in their lives that they are NOT talking about.

SloppyDailyMailJournalism · 30/05/2016 17:02

How tacky. There's something about you she's jealous of, I'd bet. I had someone like this. Ignore.

GipsyDanger · 30/05/2016 17:14

Go into your pocket and show her your empty hand. Say "this is the amount of fucks I give about you and your situation" Grin

MrsKoala · 30/05/2016 20:54

Parrots and original, do you really think people mean the op to do what they have suggested? I think most people are just having a joke (I know I was). I doubt the op, or anyone would really do or say any of those things. Most people would just be polite and try to avoid her or change the subject I think. The responses have been so exaggerated because the boasts are so outrageous.

Maisiemoosmum11 · 31/05/2016 07:14

Sounds to me like she's overcompensating for a real crappy home life. I bet at home her kids are brats, her husband is never home and when he is he ignores her and they all probably walk all over her. I almost pitty her!

Pollyputhtekettleon · 31/05/2016 07:18

Why don't you just be straight with her and say that 'you always talk about your money, it makes me feel uncomfortable as its not the sort of conversation I like to have with people generally'.

No need for sly digs or drama or games.

AliceScarlett · 31/05/2016 09:08

Maybe her husband has a lot of affairs, or maybe alcoholism. There is something there.

MumOnACornishFarm · 31/05/2016 09:40

I agree with Polly. Keep it civil, don't let yourself down. She sounds like very hard work, but I actually feel quite sorry for her. If she talks this way to everyone then I just can't imagine that she has many friends. What do other mums at the school think of her?
For some reason she has latched on to you. If you really don't want anything to do with her then you can just cut the conversation dead. Someone here suggested mentioning bank redundancies; I imagine it'll definately do the trick but you risk coming off as jealous/bitter, but would you care? But if you aren't cometely repulsed by the idea of any kind of relationship with her, perhaps because your children are friends, then a simple and polite "oh I hate talking about money" and quick change of subject is the way forward, in my opinion. If you keep stopping her in her tracks she'll get the message eventually.
Even if her life really is as charmed as she suggests, I think there is something missing for her to need to talk about it so openly and frequently.
Good luck! Smile

Diverkitty10 · 31/05/2016 09:47

I would ask her the name of what therapist she's using.......so you can avoid the therapist in future as it's obviously not working........

AndrastesKnickerweasels · 31/05/2016 10:47

Someone asked DM how much DF earned, once. She pasted on a cracking grin, and in her cheerfullest voice, positively trilled "Nobody talks about money, lovie, it's such poor manners!"

I was 16 and and couldn't stop myself snurtling.

So...maybe try that?

mrsmarblemouth1 · 31/05/2016 10:47

OP maybe something like:

"ooh fantastic! fantastic! fantastic! Tell me, does he give you your pocket money on a weekly or monthly basis and what jobs do you give him ... erm sorry, do you do, to earn it? Any I would love to chat but I'm off to work, so better get in your B*tch wagon or you'll miss your anal bleaching appointment"

Something like that? sorry I got carrried away towards the end.

PS her husband is no doubt destabilising her / ignoring her or something to create her massive self-worth vacuum.

mrsmarblemouth1 · 31/05/2016 10:52

I feel mean now, I think Polly has the right idea here, be assertive and just say, " talking about money makes me feel uncomfortable"