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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to tell this Ridiculous competitive parent to shut the hell up

227 replies

Choccybadger · 28/05/2016 00:43

There is a parent at my childrens' school who winds me up so much I am struggling not to explode in an undignified manner.
I have tried to keep my distance at the gates, in playground etc but she always makes a beeline for me.
She knows we have been house hunting for a while as it comes up sometimes and my kids tell their friends what they did at the w/end.
Most of our conversations go like this.
Her: have you found a house yet?
Me: no, not what we're looking for just yet.
Her: our house is on the market too. We've been offered £xx for it but not sure whether to take it as think it's worth more. Our house is so amazing you know.
Me: lovely. Hope you find something.
Her: we've decided to wait til next year as my partner will move up so so much in salary and bonus and will be able to buy a £1m house just with his bonus. It's just so much easier to find something decent over the £1m. Everything else is a bit shit

Me: great.
Her: yeah, we will just have SO much money. You know, we've just bought the £70k car, having a £15k holiday because we know how much money we will have. It's embarrassing. What's your budget? How much does your husband earn?

Now, we don't do too badly but I feel very uncomfortable talking about money like this with someone I barely know. I find it quite rude to keep talking about it and also to suggest that anything anyone buys for less than £1m is crap. That's not the case. We don't live in London and our part of the world doesn't have the highest prices.

It doesn't stop there. Literally every time shd speaks to me she tells me how gifted her children are and she's been told they are "amazing" at something or other. The way she puts it sounds as though she is putting my kids down, my youngest in particular.
I get the impression it's personal, that she's not like this with other mums.
How can I politely but firmly tell her I just don't care and actually find it rude, uncomfortable and belittling as well as hating the barbed comments about my kids in relation to hers?

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 29/05/2016 19:03

Bizarre, it's so over the top it's laughable.

I'd say great and move on.

DownstairsMixUp · 29/05/2016 19:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Nanna61 · 29/05/2016 19:24

Next time she asks you if you have found a house yet, and you haven't, tell her it's not about the budget. It's about finding a HOME that you can raise your family where they will be happy and will want to come home to and feel comfortable in once they have left home. A home that will hold lovely, cosy memories for them.
When she starts on about her wonderful children, tell her that as long as yours are happy and healthy with a balanced outlook on life that's all that matters to you.

Joystir · 29/05/2016 19:27

Yawn and walk away

MardleBum · 29/05/2016 19:32

We've been offered £xx for it but not sure whether to take it as think it's worth more. Our house is so amazing you know.

We've decided to wait til next year as my partner will move up so so much in salary and bonus and will be able to buy a £1m house just with his bonus. It's just so much easier to find something decent over the £1m. Everything else is a bit shit

we will just have SO much money. You know, we've just bought the £70k car, having a £15k holiday because we know how much money we will have. It's embarrassing. What's your budget? How much does your husband earn?

I have known many people who make and have lots of money and I can honestly say I have never met anyone (not even the really flashy new money twats) who say things quite like that.

I think that is probably your exaggerated interpretation of what they say, based on your envy, and not what they actually say.

MsHoolie · 29/05/2016 19:44

Fond someone else to talk to?

MsHoolie · 29/05/2016 19:44

'Find'

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 29/05/2016 19:45

Maybe it's tempting fate to 'play tops' but could you keep a straight face and say that you're looking for houses in the £2m bracket? And perhaps a yacht for the following year?

Tootsieglitterballs · 29/05/2016 19:48

In my experience working with some extremely wealthy people, there are 2 types of people who brag about how much money they have:
1 - new money
2 - those who don't have it, but their friends do

If she's new money, she probably doesn't know that's not the done thing

If she doesn't have it, maybe she wants to be in with the in crowd, and maybe you are the in crowd!

londonmummy1966 · 29/05/2016 19:51

Tell her that the dowager duchess your godmother always said it was terribly vulgar to discuss money.....

SoThatHappened · 29/05/2016 19:52

She is so rich and her child so gifted and yet....she needs validation from you.

Think about that.

Mcchickenbb41 · 29/05/2016 20:00

She sounds like a very unhappy woman. I can imagine she probably doesn't fit into any social circles easily. I have friends with money who would never ever talk like this, listing their wealth etc, I wouldn't be surprised if it's a load off lies. There's def some underlying issues going on here

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/05/2016 20:01

If she's so perfect and her husband is on mega bucks why arent her children at private school and getting dropped off and picked up in a private jet.

piggypoo · 29/05/2016 20:03

Have you thought that she is probably a liar? Most people who are outright braggarts like this, I find, are usually lying about everything! She's probably jealous of you. She sounds like an insecure sad little person, if her life was so great, she wouldn't be so pre-occupied with what your personal wealth is worth. She's no business asking you personal questions like that if you are not close. Tell her to mind her own business, I usually say to people who ask me, "I find only really crass people talk about money all the time". It works for me! :)

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 29/05/2016 20:08

Even being close to someone doesn't give you validation to ask them personally questions. I wouldn't even ask my best friend "What her husband's salary was.

Mcchickenbb41 · 29/05/2016 20:10

Exactly what tootsy said above too. I worked in an area many years ago where there was very new money. They wore their wealth and were extremely rude ( we used to call the women Dorian off Birds of a feather ). I then transferred to Bond st and met lovely people who quite often were shall we say very down to earth and dressed down and would turn out to be a lord or lady !!

a1poshpaws · 29/05/2016 20:22

No need to be nasty to her, or lose your temper. Just politely say, "I'm sorry, but I don't discuss private family matters." Then smile and walk away.

1horatio · 29/05/2016 20:25

So, that's how I deal with annoying colleagues.

  1. Be very polite and allow them to talk about themselves.
"That sounds simply lovely. Really? Exactly, you absolutely deserve that new car. That is simply brilliant. Did you try something new with your hair...?"
  1. Distract them with slightly inane chatter.
"Just yesterday I ate the most glorious salad/porridge/apple" And then describe it... [I really did eat a glorious apple, btw. It wasn't too sour and not too sweet, crisp and the colour was simply beautiful.] Or talk about flowers your DP/H gave you (even if he didn't get you any). Or how you tried a new brand of tea. Or the caked you baked last week or want to bake (even if you don't bake). Or complain about... the cleaning lady, for example.

This probably makes me sound really catty. But sometimes I can't prevent talking to somebody. And telling them how awful they really are isn't really a good idea either...

Katie0705 · 29/05/2016 20:47

Disclosing your own wealth is in very poor taste, and asking others what they earn, what their budget etc is exceptionally rude. Sounds like she is a social jumper....loads of £££ and very little between the ears!

Original poster
Choccybadger · 29/05/2016 21:00

Thanks for all the advice. Polite is the way forward, I've known her for 5 years and will have to see her for at least 6 more.
I'm happy with what we have and will do the inner contentedness smile and walk. I'm not interested in a competition but I'm going to stop being such a pushover with the conversation.
I have 3 fab kids and a lovely garden. Smile

OP posts:
Tootsieglitterballs · 29/05/2016 21:05

Next time, tell her all about your lovely garden! In fact every time, tell her every detail!

EddieStobbart · 29/05/2016 21:11

As suggested many times above, just ignore the money part or tell you prefer not to discuss finances.

More complicated is the part about her daughter. I think you should tell her you'd prefer not to have such conversations within earshot of your own daughter if she says anything that can be construed as hurtful such as the "new friendship group" comment. You could even offer to help move the kids relationship away from each other "gently if you'd prefer that they didn't play together anymore, I don't want my daughter to be upset". Chances are she'll back track then but while I appreciate the difficulties of a small school (I attended a much smaller one), I would be trying to minimise my child's contact with her if she is willing to make such comments around her or if her DD is showing signs of echoing such sentiments.

Mcchickenbb41 · 29/05/2016 21:17

I'm sure her garden has won awards though Hmm

1horatio · 29/05/2016 21:25

Yes, simply talk about your absolutely lovely garden :)!

And if her roses have won awards... Grin Well, say somethig about how gardening is just so relaxing and "zen" for you. And that a competition might destroy that...

notcoolintheslightest · 29/05/2016 21:33

This has reminded me of an old Harry Enfield sketch. Does it sound something similar to this Grin

m.youtube.com/watch?v=U8Kum8OUTuk